MamaPop™

Debbie Rowe Gets $4 Million Payout Never Mind

You can't put a price on parenthood. Unless you're Debbie Rowe, in which case you can specify it down to the last million-dollar bill.

According to a report in the New York Post, Rowe has dropped her nascent custody fight in exchange for a $4 million dollar payout. The best thing? Is that this is not the first or even the second time that Debbie Rowe has become a multimillionare by not parenting her offpsring.

Drinking Games, Ahoy!

Oh, hey, so you know that little shindig that we're throwing at BlogHer? The one with all the glitter? Yeah, that one. There's going to be liquor there, did you know? I hope you're all of legal drinking age. Because, seriously.

Anyway, about that liquor? Some of it - a lot of it - is going to be provided by the good folks at Templeton Rye. RYE, BABY. Get ready to slurp some Manhattans. And what is even more awesome than Manhattans at a hosted rye bar? SUPER SPESHUL FOR MAMAPOP LIPS ONLY MAMAPOP DRINKS at a hosted rye bar.

That's right: Templeton Rye has invented a special drink just for MamaPop. I can't - I won't - reveal the recipe, but I will say that it involves raspberry liqueur. And raspberries. And, of course, rye. Basically, it's a raspberry Manhattan with extra special MamaPop flavor. Or a dirty fruity MamaPop rye martini. Or something.

But it sounds kind of dorky to just call it a raspberry Manhattan or any other ordinary bar drink name. And that's where you come in. We want YOU to come up with a name for our SUPER SPESHUL FOR MAMAPOP LIPS ONLY MamaPop drink. That's right: YOU.

What will you win? Bragging rights. And - wait for it, wait for it - one guest pass to the party. Which is entirely full at this point, so if you didn't get an RSVP in before it got booked up, this may be your only chance. And if you already have an RSVP in, holding an extra ticket just might make you the most popular person at BlogHer next Friday. So, yeah. All kinds of win.

So, what'll it be? What do we name this super magic drink of awesome? TELL US (leave a comment below) AND WIN!

They Swim. And They Eat. And They Make Terrible Movies.

Some people equate summer with sunshine, warm weather and good times. These people are stupid. Summer, as all right-thinking humans know, is the time when we all take to the water to redress the humid press of days... and, in the process, confront the inevitability of being eaten alive by giant, bloodthirsty sharks. It's not a question of if: it's a question of when. Every time you go in the water, a tiny little dinner bell goes off in the brain of every shark within a 400 mile radius (for our Canadian friends, that equates to roughly 10,000 km). Obviously, if you're going in the ocean you might as well be basting yourself in a particularly savory marinade (hint: sharks love cocoa butter) but realistically you're not safe anywhere. Rivers, lakes, ponds, backyard plastic kiddie pools: all shark-infested deathtraps.

To prepare you for this greatest of all summer joys, the good people of MamaPop offer the following training videos. To the best of our knowledge, these are all documentaries and everything you see within them is completely real. And while we admit this is not a comprehensive list - by God, someday we'll make our way clear to seeing Mega-Shark Vs. Giant Octopus - it's enough to help you on your way to enjoying beach season.

Seacrest Secures $45M Contract, Deal With Devil Suspected

The average heart surgeon in the U.S. makes between $250,000-$300,000 a year. The average air-traffic controller pulls in $115,000 annually. Ryan Seacrest, on the other hand — skilled at absolutely nothing except perhaps maintaining a constant five-o-clock shadow—that dude will now make $10 million dollars annually at just ONE of his jobs. Fuck you, heart surgeons!

There can be only one explanation: Seacrest has made a pact with the devil.

Weeds Recap

Whoosh! It's six months after left Nancy left that fateful note for Andy, grabbed Shane, and showed up at Esteban's doorstep pregnant and decidedly freaked out.

Mel Gibson Directs Music Video for Girlfriend and I Say It's Got to be Love

Any fond memory of Mel Gibson's Mad Max and what he did for my teenage romanticism of the impending apocalypse began to evaporate when Mel went all crazy, but now it's completely disappeared after watching the music video he just directed for his current girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva. Full disclosure: Ms. Grigorieva is also pregnant with his eighth child. Oh how I miss the Cold War!

I figured I couldn't really comment on the video without actually watching the product of the love bird collaboration, so I watched it. There may have been extended pauses due to boredom but I've got to admit, I really didn't see the flaming keys coming. He really caught me by surprise there so way to keep the audience on their toes. Actually, I'm not sure who the target audience is for this thing, but I'm pretty sure it's not teenagers. Or fans of Apocolypto.

Britney Spears' Ex Adnan Ghalib To Stand Trial For Assault

Aw, Britney and Adnan.  It has been so long since I wrote a Britney story.  When I first started writing for MamaPop that seemed to be all I wrote. 

Adnan Ghalib will stand trial for felony assault with a deadly weapon, battery, and hit-and-run stemming from an incident at Ghalib's apartment in which Ghalib allegedly tried to assault a process server by running into him. The process server was attempting to serve a restraining order obtained by Britney's father.

True Blood Recap

I need to come out of the coffin about something: I intensely covet the Fantasia tshirt that Sookie's been wearing as she recovers from her attack. And, um, hbo.com sells them. I might have to buy one.
Anyway, that was a long break, wasn't it?

Was Michael Jackson Murdered?

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that our Michael was a bit of an odd duck with a penchant for prescription medication, so, although his sudden death on June 25th was surprising, it was not truly shocking.  His face had been on a collision course with collapse for years, and his erratic behaviour and drug use was so common as to be yawn-worthy. To be honest, I'm surprised that his final demise didn't happen earlier.

This is where his story takes a sad turn, though. Wait, it's always been sad. This is where his story takes an even sadder turn. All his instability, drug use, and supposed pedophilia might not have been what did him in. La Toya Jackson, Michael's sister and face mimic, has stated in an interview with the London newspaper News of the World that she believes he was murdered.

Would You Buy Clothing (or Anything) from Jon Gosselin?

I imagine that going as a douche for Halloween has to be one of the easiest and most accessible costumes, considering that all one needs to do is to purchase and wear Ed Hardy gear and voila!

It always amuses me how anyone can consider t-shirts and ballcaps "fashion." It's a T-SHIRT. Also, wearing a t-shirt with tattoos on it is not the same as actually having tattoos. Just saying.

I guess if this is your market, it makes sense to hire Jon Gosselin to work for your brand.

Ozzy Osbourne's Dog Has Been Murdered

In what appears to be the continuation of some kind of crazy curse on Ozzy Osbourne's dogs, Little Bit, Osbourne's treasured Pomeranian, was killed last Tuesday, July 7th.

Little Bit's death comes after another of Osbourne's dogs, Goldie, was bitten by a rattlesnake earlier in the year. Goldie narrowly escaped death and, apart from being extremely bummed out about Little Bit, is doing fine.

Little Bit, however, is not doing fine. Because, as I reported earlier, Little Bit is dead. As the Osbourne's watched the Michael Jackson memorial, poor Little Bit was attacked and eaten by a coyote in the backyard.

The Osbourne's live in Los Angeles. Am I alone in wondering what the fuck is up with all the wildlife attacks at Osbourne's Los Angeles residence?

The Osbourne's are not blaming Jackson. And they have no leads as to who might have put a curse on their dogs. I know what you're thinking. Some of Osbourne's friends are thinking the same thing.

Sex and the City Sequel to Have Victoria Beckham Cameo

I just learned two things. The first thing is that all four of the stars from Sex and the City have negotiated their contracts to appear in a sequel to the film that was spun off of the tv show that you can now watch on TBS but without the soft core parts.

The second thing is that Victoria Beckham will have a cameo in Sex and the City 2.

Jon Gosselin Vacations in St. Tropez with Girlfriend; Holds In Stomach Like a Champ

I may be in the minority here, but I feel sick for Kate.  Yes, she's a harpy shrew, but Jon knew that when he married her.  (You get what you get and you don't throw a fit.  Learn it in kindergarten, use it for life.) 

We don't know what went on behind closed doors between Jon and Kate Gosselin, but what we do know is that only a jackhole would parade around France with his new 23-year-old girlfriend for all the world to see less than three weeks after filing for divorce.

Apparently, Jon is creating a line of children's clothing for Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier and was invited to hang out on his yacht in France this weekend.  (Maybe his slogan can be "Abandon your kids, but not your fashion sense!")

RoboGeisha Is Complex. Also Hot.

Since I like to think of myself as being on the cutting edge of killer robots-dressed-as-things news, I am pleased to announce that RoboGeisha finally has a trailer and the cool thing about it is everything. I don't even know where to start. I guess with ass swords. Because to me, a killer robot geisha assassin is only as good as her ass sword. I know. I know. You hate when I use homespun cliches to capture difficult cinematic themes, but bear with me because check out these biceps!