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The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Episode 2): Mama Knows Best

Picture_1This week was like a very special episode/after school special version of RHoNJ. There were miscarriages, awful ex-husbands, teenagers with a raging case of The Spoiled brought on by Guilty Mother syndrome, a cougar and housewives with a raging case of The Bitchiness. In the end the episode teaches us not that drugs or bad or watch out for deadbeat exes but that should you decide to come within 15 feet of this group of women, be sure to have two forms of state issued identification, a birth certificate, and a notarized copy of your resume because Caroline will need to investigate.

Jacqueline is my favorite housewife. She's not dramatic - at least not yet - and seems genuine in her saccharine sweet behavior. She just wants people to get along. Is it really too much to ask for two wealthy adult women to get over whatever has happened in the past and just hug it out and move on already? Jacqueline's naivete makes me weep. It's like she's never seen an episode of this show before. But I'm not about to beat up on poor, sweet Jacqueline who has suffered multiple miscarriages and has a daughter who treats her like they're BFFE instead of mother and daughter. Then again, I was brought up in one of those households where the mother was THE mother and if I ever yelled at her through a locked door she'd take the door off of its hinges and then tell me that she'll give me something to cry about.

I'm also not in the position to criticize someones parenting since I've never had a child but it's Danielle_cougar heartbreaking and not in a funny, boy that chick is an idiot, kind of way. Jacqueline is really trying provide a good life for her children and wants for them to be happy but does so by giving them things and more things. It's painful to watch because I really want to hug her. But because this is The Real Housewives not Real Parenting, Jacqueline's real problem is the rift between her friend Cougar Danielle and her mob-style family.

It seems as though there was some sort of falling out between Cougar Danielle and Dina. Something that Dina can't get over and yet sweet, sweet Jacqueline feels that the two will be able to patch things up during Dina's son's birthday party. And then they will frolic in a meadow of daisies. Cougar Danielle sees Dina and takes her in a full on embrace while Dina stands there looking straight up stank and then says off camera, "I have to question her sanity. The girl is freakin' obsessed with me...I'm not sure if she wants to skin me and wear me like last year's Versace". Who knew a hug could have so much meaning behind it? For some it means love. For others it's just a ploy to figure out how best to skin a victim. Oh and don't worry, Caroline (aka Carmela Soprano) is looking on in the background playing with the safety on her gun and alternately worrying about her 20 year old, Lauren, who thinks that Alaska and Canada are continents. Which problem are you going to deal with today, Caroline? Hmmm?

Oh speaking of Cougar Danielle that photo above of her kissing the man with the bald spot is a complete non-sequitur but my God, woman. She defines Cougar. She's the reason for the word. Said man with the bald spot, and the greasy slicked back hair; he is 26. Hold please while I do something about that vomit in my mouth. I don't know if my upchuck reflex is on high alert because Danielle is 45 dating a 26 year old or because that 26 year old looks gross and 47. So really she shouldn't worry about the age difference because TRUST ME, no one can tell.

Gia_Actingcoach I keep treating Teresa like some superfluous, character actor who is just there for a few laughs and then exits stage right. I can't help but adore people who are unintentionally hilarious because they do such dumb things. But it's a really nice way to break up the hour. Throw Teresa in there with her two year old screaming "I want to pull my hair out" in the middle of a store and I'm suddenly like Jacqueline, who? So thanks Teresa for hanging in there and providing us with a good laugh. High five.

Next week: Everyone is still spoiled, Dina still hates Danielle, Danielle is still pissing everyone off, people are talking about Danielle and Caroline is going to investigate.

You can watch all of this week's episode here.







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Comments

BaltimoreGal

The balding guy is 26?!? Explains why he's with her...

KBO

I do not believe that dude was 26. That's younger than me, and that guy looked like he had several years of sketchy, sugar-daddy, internet-initiated relationships under his belt.

Second, I firmly believe that Danielle is crazy. I really do think she is totally obsessed with being BFF with both Jacqueline and Dina. Jacqueline seems like she's being friends with Danielle because she feels sorry for her, and Dina's classic mean-girl behavior only fuels the crazy of Danielle. Whomever coined the term "cougar" definitely had her in mind.

Third, I kind of like Dina and definitely dislike Theresa, but I hate all stage-mommy bitches, so whatevs.

ajk

Long time lurker, first time poster - but this show is just too good to let pass (and great write up, btw). A few observations, apologies for length:

1. I now live in NJ and I'm sure you all know this but it bears endless repeating. Please all, trust me - we are not like this. These ladies are the most extreme exception, not the rule. And they live in Franklin Lakes, which is in my county - v. scary.

2. No one I have talked to has heard of the Brownstone, ie "the premiere wedding destination" per Caroline - so, to quote KBO above, whatevs.

3. Did anyone else notice in the first episode when Dina went to her hairdresser and parked in the handicapped spot with nary a glance or 2nd thought? Possibly she could plead mental issues from all the chemicals on her hair, skin and nails?

4, and most disturbing. Last night, when Caroline and her husband were talking to their daughter about her future, they said that they would talk to their friend, Mr. DePasquale, who owns a successful day spa, about her. DePasquale Spa is right down the road from me, and is one of my most favorite places on earth, because it is a FANTASTIC, PAMPERING, SERENE day spa. If I find this place being taken over by the likes of these women, I will have to run screaming as far as possible. And then possibly gouge my eyes out.

With all that said, ain't no way I'm not watching this religiously, DVRing every week and of course coming here to discuss the recap. That is all for now, thanks for the vent.

JennC

Oh you know Danielle only hugged Dina because she wanted to feel her bubbies. For serious, I think the crazy's a closet case.

robin m.

Anybody else find it obnoxious the way Danielle was butting into the conversation between Jacqueline and her daughter (don't remember her name...Ashley?) about who she'd invited to CJ's party. I would never allow a friend to interfere in such a way. I agree that she's out of her mind. Meanwhile, I also agree that Teresa is simply hilarious. Claiming to not be a stage mom while stating that her daughter was born to be a star. Pulling out her wad of hundreds to pay for her over-the-top kid clothes. Finally, no chance that man was 26 years old. I love this show!

NoPasaNada

The whole thing with Jacqueline, Danielle and Ashley made me want to step in and say HOLD UP! Why Danielle got involved, I have no idea. It was so bizarre. It seemed like Danielle and her daughter Christine were trying to get Ashley in trouble and so they had to tattle on her to Jacqueline. Though the beginning of the episode with J's mom guilt, etc. was a nice set up for the Danielle intervention but it was really unnecessary and rude. But J didn't seem to mind so whatever.




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