Gossip Rag Wednesday: Side Bar Edition

This week's crop of tabloids, released to the newstands just today, and sanitized for your protection.

Yeah, yeah, Rob is bored to tears with Kristen's case of the sads. Much more interesting is that Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber apparently spent the weekend prancing through the waves and reenacting some Massengill commercial from the 80s. Tweens: You Must Kill Kim! Kill!  It is also important to note that the royal wedding is off. The gravity of this statement will become clear when you see this:

Ignore the lies of the other tabloids, it's a Royal Shotgun Wedding! Also, Laurie White IS having an affair with Al Gore and Renee IS marrying Bradley Cooper. Shut up, Truth, it's true, it's all true! Buy our magazine!

Well isn't US Weekly looking all mature what with their actual interviews and stuff. But Rob couldn't have moved in with Kristen because HE DUMPED HER. See above. And come on US Weekly, what part of Kate Gosselin's boob job is shocking? That she didn't do it before?

Prince William has eloped! He's not dumped and Kate's not prego, they were secretly married and made Camilla flip her wig. Also, President Obama is gay and likes to hang around in bath houses. This is reliable journalism, don't question it.

Hmm...why would reality television producers line up a bunch of chumps and mental patients and completely krazy-eyed troglodytes for adorably wholesome Ali to date on her path to love? Would it be for entertaining television? In the words of Stephanie Tanner: How rude!

Holy hockey sticks, OK! with this cover line up you might as well just admit that you are marketed towards ultra militant ovary-worshiping feminists. Whatever, go shave your armpits, ladies!

Comments

[Katie L.]

So, according to The Globe, Sarah Palin's new boobs are a plot to win the White House. Cool.