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Liveblogging-R-Us: American Idol 6 Premiere

* A continually updated, running commentary on the broadcast in real-time (hit refresh as necessary)*

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Okay, disclaimer: I have not watched American Idol since the season Fantasia won, and even then I think I'd wandered away after...(checks Wikipedia for the name of that guy I liked...George Huff! Aw, poor George Huff)...yeah, after George Huff was voted off.

I cannot stand glory notes, Christina Aguilera Jazz Hands and Dorky White Non-Threatening Torch-Song-Singing Boys. And I hate what passes for "rock and/or roll" in AmericanIdolLand. So basically, this show annoys with almost every fiber of my being, but hot damn, I do love these audition episodes.

Also, an update on the MamaPop American Idol Drinking Game: Everybody's suggestions were so good, I'm not sure I can choose an official list of cues. Dawg, you made it your own, Ryan Seacrest sexuality zingers, that fucking Edwin McCain song...there are just too many to choose from. So the only guideline for playing along at home? DRINK UNTIL IT STOPS HURTING.

Are we ready? Okay. Let's do this thang...

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


8:02: Well. Teenage Wasteland? Either somebody has never actually listened to these lyrics or else maybe they kind of hate their job.


8:03: Seacrest: "We'll journey together!" Oh man, we are going to need a LOT MORE SHUT THE FUCK UP.


8:04: Oh, Prince. So very unfortunate, really.


8:05: Okay, the child just changed the channel. He...does not like Jewel very much.


8:07: "Jewel is your favorite artist? Guess what! She's inside! This was totally not staged at all!"


8:07: Wait, did Simon just call her "Sweetheart?" In a non-snotty way? Did Paula slip him some pills?


8:08: Oh no. No. No no no. Make it stop.


8:09: I AM SOBER. HELP ME.



8:10: Okay, she's crying. Simon called her "darling." Her mom is crying. This is not fun. BRING ON THE FREAKS.


8:12: Wait. I have to watch commercials when I liveblog? DAMN YOU TRACEY. DAMN YOU TO HELL.


8:15: Your dog wants you to stop smoking pot. Because you get high and eat all the chips, asshole.


8:16: "Urban Amish." BZZZT. STFU, moving on.


8:18: Blah blah blah screechie shiny people.


8:20: This guy can hit "notes that Mariah can't hit." So he's a human dog whistle, then. Got it. Wait...where'd he go?


8:21 Paula's all, "I've got a headache THIS BIG." That's an Oxycontin headache!


8:23 NOT GOOD, DAWG. NOT GOOD.


8:24: Up next: Crack Babies! Oh. Jesus save us.


8:29: Is Seacrest wearing a shirt that says "Delicious?" Does it count towards the drinking game if I start making Sexuality Zingers?


8:30: Okay, what? He's the flipping lovechild of Jimmie "JJ" Walker and Rocky Balboa.


8:32: Oh dear. The former crack baby. She's cute. They're programming us to like her AND IT IS WORKING.


8:33: AEEEEEEEEIIIII!


8:34: Eh. She's okay. But she's going to Hollywood and we are happy because THE BIG GLOWING BOX TOLD US TO LIKE HER.


8:36: Commercials. They're cutting this crap like cocaine, y'all.


8:39: ALL HAIL THE POWER OF BAUER. Amen!


8:40: "Forgetting your words and really screwing up." Oh! The snark! Stop with the snark, AI writers, for you are just so good at it!


8:41: Pfft.


8:42: Maybe, if you forget the words? You could just sing something else? Twinkle Twinkle Little Star? Mary had a Little Lamb? Anything? Or...just...dear God...LEAVE THROUGH THE DOOR. THE ONE THAT OPENS. ON THE RIGHT.


8:45: Like OMG, I am like, Latina, and like, spicy. Spicy like taco-flavored kisses.


8:46: Yes, Latina, sing Shakira. GO IN YOUR BOX AND STAY THERE. Then later in the season we'll complain that you never "stretch yourself", and then you'll try something new the next week and get voted off. But yaaay for Hollywoooood!


8:50: You guys are so right. That door is the best damn thing I've seen this hour. BRING ON THE DOOR MONTAGE!


8:51: IT'S THE GREATEST DOOR OF MY LIIIIIIFE.


8:52: Look, I listen to Johnny Cash. I love me some Johnny Cash. You sir, are no Johnny Cash.


8:54: I mean, really. Dude. Not even close.


8:55: REAGAN IDOL?


8:56: WHAT?


8:57: "That song has become an intrical part of Amercan Idol."


8:58: Well, of course he's through. This isn't I HATE AMERICA IDOL, after all.


9:00: ONE HOUR DOWN! WHOOOO!


9:01: You know what would be awesome? If they just spliced in a Brangelina shot. Just for the hell of it.


9:03: Bababababababa ahhh whoooo!


9:04: That's not the Cowardly Lion. That's fucking Chewbacca. And also...embarassing. Stop. Go away.


9:05: OTHER DOOR.


9:06: That's it. Minnesota? On. Notice.


9:07: Whoah. Randy. Dude. Just like, pick the guy up and shove him into the wood chipper. It's more humane.


9:10: Why is the little animated silhouette person suddenly a peacock?


9:11: If I ever joke about going on a date with my child? KILL ME.


9:12: Or if I eat at the Olive Garden. That too.


9:13: HOUSE! HUGH! HOTT!


9:14: Yes, yes. Blond, cute, can carry a tune. Meh. Welcome to Hollywood. Snaggletoothed, though.


9:16: Awesome career choices, all around. Although this girl? Talking really fast about her bosses? Or something? Not following a WORD.


9:17: Oh thank God, I think I might be getting a little drunk.


9:18: Not drunk enough for that screech though. YOW.


9:21: Oh my lands, they're discussing if her boss is in love with her or whether she's in love with him, when CLEARLY, it's just innocent blowjobs.


9:22: WHAT IS ON THAT KID'S NOSE?


9:23: Aw. AW.


9:24. Fuck this show. Seriously.


9:27: Okay, so there's about 30 minutes left. Considering about 28 minutes of that will be commercials, we are ALMOST DONE.


9:28: Until tomorrow. Oh. Jesus.


9:29: I am going to see Wicked when it comes to DC and nobody is going to stop me.


9:30: First FORD product placement of the new season? DRINK.


9:31: Oh lord, well. You know the Army Reservist Who Works On Cars Like A Down-Home Girl While Waiting For Her Husband To Come Home From Iraq And Sings Songs About God is going to Hollywood.


9:32: "People will like you." The most backhanded compliment in the universe, courtesy of Simon. Also, he's said it about 10 times, so go do some retroactive Jello shots.


9:33: Boring: This Girl. Not Boring: The Delicious Turkey Chili Jason Made While I Was Liveblogging.


9:38: This girl has watched every Idol show in every country. There's GOT to be a class-action suit out there for her.


9:40: Wait. What's with the devil sticks? I am so confused right now. Going to eat more chili.


9:41: "Yeah. Take your juggling and go on Stupid Pet Tricks, moron."


9:42: Faker. Fakerfakerfaker. Also: Mom needs a bra, there.


9:43: "Me and Idol? We're like BFF!" Well. I'm officially creeped the fuck out.


9:44: My dog just fled the room.


9:45: Oh, Brenna. Perhaps we'll meet again on the TWOP boards.


9:50: NO. NO NO NO. MAKE IT STOP.


9:51: People. I have nothing left. My soul and my eardrums and my sense of eyeshadow propriety have been killed.


9:52: What, no Garrison Keillor tribute?


9:53: "I wanted him to play hockey, but I guess it's okay that he's a queer instead."


9:54: Wow. Flemmy.


9:56: Well, dude. If you're in a band, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WASTING OUR TIME?


9:58: Tonight's quote from Jason: "Dude. Seriously."


9:59: Oh my God. Are we done? Is it over? Can I stop now?


10:00: I am stopping now. Tomorrow night looks even worse, what with the picking on the mentally challenged, or something.


10:01: Attention all members of Team MamaPop: NOT. IT.







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Comments

Tracey

les git it on, hombre.

Tracey

JEWEL? i think i'm gonna hurl...

Leah

ewww!

HollowSquirrel

Ohhhh my GOD is there a therapist outside? Seriously.

Staci

someone get her some alcohol stat

HollowSquirrel

Believe it.

Tracey

oh jesus, THIS IS NOT FUNNY. she's genuinely crushed. arrrgh!

Leah

urban amish omg!

Kyla

Josh was in the garage and he could hear poor-Jewel-girl crying...he came in and said "You;re watching this crap?" *lol*

stephanie

I don't usually watch this, but the idea of you, Amalah, live blogging it, was too much NOT too. Don't disappoint, girl! :D

Tracey

yeah, kyla -- you're watching this crap? what the hell is wrong with you?

oh, wait.

Staci

Sweet no more random drives out Intercourse, PA to stare at the Amish!

chirky

That? Was horrible. I just wanted to mute the television, but then again, I couldn't.

Tracey

that commercial? with the hand-drawn dude and dog? AWESOME. (and i'm a known pothead)

Tere

I can't believe it, but - that intro? Totally made me believe I could be an American idol!

Kyla

Tracey, it must be the lure of booze? Hahaha!

lindsay

when do we drink?

Kyla

Good God...why must they sing songs from former Idols?

stephanie

This is PAINFUL. Now I remember why I don't watch this stuff! Okay, vodka, do your stuff!!

Tere

Paula's SO had her lips done!

Tracey

DRINK NOW. NOOOOOW.

Staci

lol he came back and still sucks

chirky

Wait a sec. Did he just WALK OUT in the middle of his audition? And then come back? And start singing again like nothing happened?

Leah

make it stop please

stephanie

He left and then came back? WTF?!

Sarah

We're about to see some classic Paula. I CAN. NOT. WAIT! :)

Amy Beth

Oh my god. The people from Minneapolis are making my ears bleed. These are my people and they are NOT representing.

The jewel girl was the epitome of Minnesota nice though. "Thank you so much for crushing my dreams! It was nice to meet you!"

Tracey

TWO HOURS OF THIS, PEOPLE. TWO.

Amy H.

my husband paused the TV. My husband paused it! ok...back live. whew. "your entitled to your opinion" um, yeah.

Sarah

Did she just say crack baby? My new hero.

Amy H.

don't you think they locked the left door just so people would make a fool of themselves when they leave?

Tracey

yeah, i was kind of surprised they went straight to the crack babies. [shrugs]

Amy Beth

My husband is 45 and is watching only because he is so sure he is going to know someone auditioning. I tried to tell him he is a good 20 years older than most of these people and did NOT go to high school with them, but he is certain.

Kyla

Amy H...I was totally thinking that.

Amy Beth

Come on Minneapolis! Show the world your talent! OK so far, the real weirdos have NOT been from MN. Thank God.

Amy H.

did you see the guy sitting behind "America boxer guy?" hilarious!

Leah

Rocky apollo I am scared!

chirky

Okay. He's decent. He's not horrible, at all. But that outfit? It throws it off. I'm distracted by a black Unlce Sam!

Amy Beth

Why is this guy singing latin/opera?

Amy H.

well regardless, the door is cracking me up.

chirky

oh. was that apollo creed? not unlce sam? huh. never knew.

stephanie

He's dressed as a gay Apollo Creed... (not that there's anything wrong with that) Where the hell is my vodka soda?

ali

Um. How many drugs did Paula take before the Twin Cities auditions? You can nactually see her swaying...

GO DENISE JACKSON! YOU'RE SO MUCH COOLER THAN ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE SO FAR!

Amy Beth

She's the next Fantasia and Lifetime movie of the month.

chirky

holy moly. denise has got some lungs on her.

Amy Beth

Madison, WI/crack baby is rocking it!

Tracey

the door is the most entertaining thing in this entire program. sad, really.

ladies and gentlemen, THE CRACK BABY COMETH.

ali

Told you Denise Jackson would be cool.

YAY!

Leah

Amy Beth I argee with you.

Amy Beth

The curse of Minneapolis....what? That can't be good.

chirky

y'all, i drank all my liquor and didn't know it! am working with wine. WINE. am enjoying it mucho.

jodi

Is it sad if I tell you I'm not watching AI but reading your live blogging? I'm watching stuff on tivo and will watch AI later so I can fast forward.

Tracey

A yes! TIME TO DRINK!

Staci

To drink or not to drink?

ali

Did anyone else's station run the preview for that Hugh Grant/Drew Barrymore movie? *Hugh Grant*drool*Hugh Grant*drooool*

Hm. Which brings to mind: *Hugh Laurie*bigger drool*Hugh Laurie*bigger drool*

Why aren't THEY the guest judges? Why do we have Jewel?

Amy Beth

How can Minneapolis have a curse? We are the birthplace of Prince, and The Suburbs and the BoDeans and Jimmy Jam. Brian Setzer lives here now! Um, and OK Tiny Tim, but other than him...Minneapolis ROCKS!

chirky

Coca Cola ad placement!

Amy H.

The tie would do just my justice? huh?

Amy Beth

oh this is painful!

Staci

OMG this is painful...

stephanie

This is why I don't watch this show. I'm out. And I'm still drinking in retrospect.

Have fun with the torture people!

chirky

Is she singing to herself? YES. She is. Women? Girls?

TIME TO DRINK? YES.

A LONG ONE.

ali

I think Simon DEFinitely took some of Paula's meds. He's so... SEDATE.

Kyla

This is baaaaaaad. Why won't they make it stop?!?

Leah

BAD Bad lets all sing along to help her!!!

Tracey

uuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Amy H.

I love that fucking door!

SarahO

Christ on a popscicle stick...why don't they stop these people?

Amy Beth

what is the deal with the door?

Tracey

i'm going to cry, such is the laughing

stephanie

BTW, WTF ever made her think she could sing Aretha?! Aretha, people!!!

Staci

Anyone watching the bad girl club later?

Kyla

Ryan likes girls? Is he sure?

Tracey

that door deserves some kind of citation in the closing credits.

ali

Can anyone say, "Shakira Lite?"

I'm disturbingly intrigued by the belt, though.

Kyla

Tracey, they'll probably do a segment with all the losers trying to go out the wrong door.

stephanie

A latina Blondie? OMFG! OK, I admit it, I can't turn it off. It's like a train wreck... I can't look away... Help me, people. Please!

Amy Beth

the second song was WAY better

chirky

Is it just me, or did she actually sound JUST LIKE Shakira just then?

stephanie

I'm officially petrified!!

Staci

And she made it. I'll be surprised if she makes it any further than Hollywood.

ali

Um. I don't think ANYONE is going to compare you to Shakira, bubble.

ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME? SHE'S GOING TO L.A.? AMY'S HIGH SCHOOL NEMESIS IS PROBABLY BETTER THAN THAT.

Oh, and BTW, did EVERYONE not give her the once-over? Yeah. They did. WHATever.

Amy Beth

So maybe if you can sing a little bit but have a hard luck sob story your chances are better for moving on?

Staci

Ooooo did I see baseball bat?

Amy H.

chirky--I thought so, too.



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