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Weeds Recap


Nancy's new supplier has weak weed but bullies for friends. Tara and Silas seem to be getting back together. Celia and Heylia are BFFs. Shane is...losing it.

Nancy is doing the Walk of Shame back to her house after sexin it up with Conrad (and his fine, fine ass) all night. She leafs through a newspaper that is screaming a headline about the 18-foot cross being stolen from Absolute Truth Ministries (ATM ha!). She steps into her living room to see...an 18-foot cross. And Andy. And Doug. "Why is this cross in my house?" she asks. Doug says that Andy told him he could put it there. Andy, eager to change the subject, tries to tell Nancy about the biker weed. Shane's only concern is where his mom has been all night. Nancy tells him that she working. She's a working mom, okay. (Yeah, WORKIN' THAT ASS OF CONRAD'S, BETCH!) Andy is still going on about the biker weed and how "Ches" thinks she would benefit from it. "How does Ches know what I do?" asks Nancy. "That's not good," peeps Shane. "Right, Shane! Very observant." Nancy half-heartedly asks how Doug got the cross in the living room and Andy says it was a miracle. "I don't believe in miracles," says Shane. "I believe in Pittsburgh." That's right, baby!

Heylia and Vaneeta are taking the baby for a walk (practically forgot Vaneeta had a baby) and musing about how nice it is in the suburbs. "No drunks or junkies," says Vaneeta. Heylia corrects her and says that there are plenty of drunks and junkies, but they're not on the corners. They're inside because they have air conditioning. All of the Majrestic folks jogging by make a point of saying hello to Heylia and Vaneeta. Heylia points out that white guilt is very powerful and that in these lush surroundings, they'll be treated like Condoleeza Rice. Err...Well, I guess if they're in a kind of conservative enclave that'll be good. They just need to hope that there are no limo liberals about.

Nancy arrives at the growhouse and she and Conrad get right to flirting. Oh, they're cute. They're thisclose to making out when Heylia arrives and says that she can smell the house from two blocks away. "It smells like a skunk massacre," she says. Conrad tells her that she and Vaneeta should plant some herbs on the outside of the house, fragrant stuff like lavender and whatnot. Nancy takes off but whispers to Conrad that he needs to take a shower.

Sullivan is on the phone making shady business deals when Celia saunters in wearing sunglasses and wielding a baseball bat. She promptly begins destroying everything in Sullivan's office, which is conveniently made entirely of glass it seems. "I hope for Nancy's sake you used a condom," says Celia. "God forbid you replicate." Oh my god. Why do they foreshadow like this? Now you just KNOW that Nancy is preggers and doesn't know if it's Sullivan's baby or Conrad's and she'll have to have that "Am I a Ho?" existential crisis/rite of passage that most of us have when we're 22...when it's APPROPRIATE. God, Nancy, didn't your mother teach you anything? Celia leaves a gaggle of Sullivan's stunned co-workers in her wake. "My decorator," says Sullivan. "We're doing a little remodeling."

Celia, still all aggro, pulls up to the growhouse and tells Conrad, "I want to be part of the team, one of the cool kids." Conrad is not really sure what to do with Celia, since they're all stocked up on crazy white women at the moment. "I need to do something fun, come on!" she nags. "Okay, Gangster Barbie, I will figure something out."

Tara arrives at Sullivan's busted up office and marvels at the damage. Sullivan is moaning about how he'll have to move on to another shitty, pre-fab Jesus town (christ, how many are there?). Tara blandly reminds him that she takes the Jesus stuff seriously and shoves a joint in Sullivan's mouth. She leaves and Sullivan calls after her that she could come with him. "No, thanks," she says. "I like my shitty, pre-fab Jesus town." Sooo...Tara was selling to Sullivan...is there anything else we should be aware of?

Nancy is at the biker growhouse and is impressed that Ches knows so much about her and she doesn't know that much about him. "You should have checked out my facebook page!" says Ches. He hands Nancy a bag of weed and says that it's "5 for a pound." Nancy holds the bag and says, "Yeah, for a full pound." Ches is impressed with Nancy's skills and gives her a little discount.

The alarm at Nancy's house goes off and Shane runs from room to room trying to find someone. Turns out, he's alone. At night. Awesome. He rushes to his laptop and turns off the alarm. Then he does something really weird (even for him). He turns to someone invisible and says, "Hey! Yeah, just a bug in the system."

Celia is helping Heylia and Vaneeta plant herbs outside the growhouse and by "helping" I mean "whining." "These hands went to college," she says. "They majored in English Lit. They are not farm hands." Heylia is not impressed and asks why Celia is so cranky. Is she taking estrogen? Celia whispers that she can't because of the cancer and then she and Heylia compare menopause treatments. "Vodka and cigarettes, says Celia. "Only thing that's worked for me." She and Heylia decide to take a smoke break. They bemoan their lack of boyfriends but Vaneeta points out they they're "two of the scariest bitches on the planet." No wonder no guy wants to come near them. "Shut the f*ck up, Vaneeta," says Heylia. "Yeah, shut the f*ck up, Vaneeta," says Celia. The scary bitches giggle and I think we just witnessed two soul mates finding each other.

Tara is at the old folks' home reading the bible to the notable old pothead from when Silas first met Tara. Grandfather Pothead complains about the quality of the weed, noting, "I'm on borrowed time." Silas shows up as GP goes to the bathroom. He and Tara get all gushy and start making out while GP pees in the next room. Romantic!

Sanjay, clad in a red and black striped tshirt and a black leather vest, tells Nancy that he can't sell the biker weed. "They won't even smoke this at the manhole and they smoke everything," he says. "I bet they do," says Nancy. Ha! Sanjay goes on to say that the weed needs to improve now since people are going to stop buying from him. "My reputation is suspect," he says. "That outfit is suspect," says Nancy. Sanjay ignores Nancy's digs and says that he needs to make some money fast because Clinique is having an ultrasound soon. Nancy asks him if he's ready to be a father. "Do I look like I'm ready to be a father?" he asks. I plead the fifth.

Nancy is at the tattoo shop getting some ink. The tattoo artist asks about her choice and she says that it's to remind her that "thug means never having to say you're sorry." The tattoo artist asks doesn't she mean "love" and Nancy says no, because with love you're always apologizing. "Yeah, I should get 'I'm sorry, babe,' tattooed on my ass," says the tattooist. Nancy asks why he doesn't and he says, "I already have an eagle chained to a rock there." Ha! Nancy gets up to admire her new work and we see that she got the official U-Turn traffic sign permanently etched in my skin. It's clever, but really she should have just gotten, "Thug means never having to say you're sorry" on her stomach, Tupac-style.

Ches (short for Chester as it turns out) is dismayed to hear that Nancy is breaking things off with him. Nancy explains that her customers don't like his product. It's nothing personal, she assures him. "You grow Merlot, they like Cabernet," she says. Ugh, bunch of Sideways lovers apparently. "Your customers sound gay," says Ches. "Some of them are," says Nancy. "Most of them just don't like your weed." Ches wants to take Nancy to dinner but Nancy's, uh, washing her hair that night. Yeah. One of Ches' minions notes that Nancy's got some balls. "Who wants a chick with f*cking balls?" says Ches. Larry Flynt, don't answer that!

Nancy goes to the growhouse and finds that the cross is now serving as a grow lamp for the plants. Resourceful! She finds Conrad sitting out back and he pours her some wine, which she glugs quickly. "That kinda day?" asks Conrad. "Only kind I know," says Nancy. I feel like a blues riff should go here. Conrad spies her new tattoo and says, "Please tell me you have a thing for traffic signs." He probes into the depth and breadth of her relationship with U-Turn but Nancy keeps her cards close to her chest. "Motherf*cker caused us nothing but pain," he says. "Motherf*cker's dead. We're alive," says Nancy.

At home, Andy, Shane, and Nancy gather around the dinner table. Shane is now fully clad in Pittsburgh gear and rattling off trivia about how great Pittsburgh is. (Pittsburgh, son. WHAT.) Silas stumbles in, bloody and terrified. He's been beaten up by the bikers and they are planning on coming after Nancy and her family. The alarm system goes off again. Shane tunes out and starts rattling off the names of Pittsburgh neighborhoods (including a few that I've called home!) while Andy tries to get the alarm disarmed. When it's finally quiet, Nancy asks Shane who he's talking to. "Dad," says Shane, pointing to an empty chair.

Uh oh.

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Love that you're from Pittsburgh too! I got so excited when Shane mentioned Pittsburgh at the end of last season, and love that (even though his behavior is a little disturbing right now) he's back on a hardcore Pittsburgh kick!

Suzy Q

Shane is fucking bonkers, but at least Nancy appears to have noticed. Until her attention gets grabbed by something shiny, that is. (Like Conrad's ass, praise the lord!) But really, that kid needs help.

I had a hunch things wouldn't end so well with the bikers (yeah, I'm a brain surgeon to figure that one out). Why DO they know so much about Nancy? And who wails on someone's kid like that?

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