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The Top 5 Reasons Why I Would Kick Madonna Out of Bed for Eating Crackers, If She Ever Ate Them


Madonna is inarguably one of the greatest music legends alive today. This master of self-reinvention is known across the globe for a career that has spanned three decades at the top of the music charts, in film, and as a best-selling author.  She has been transformed from little Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone from Bay City, Michigan into a cultural icon that has spawned a nearly religious reverence in her fans.

In spite of all this, I have a confession to make: I don't get the Madonna love.  It feels like I just stood up at a family dinner and declared that I am a carsexual who is madly in love with my dad's Buick.

The very pervasiveness of her fame and fandom makes me wonder if I must have some kind of brain disorder not to love her at least a little bit.  I mean, she can dance, she can sing, and she is a fantastic businessperson.  As a creative spirit myself, these are all things for which I usually admire people, but there is something so unfriendly about her public persona.  She reminds me of a brushed metal kitchen appliance: cold and impenetrable.

To put it simply, I would kick Madonna out of bed for eating crackers.  It's pretty clear that she doesn't eat crackers, and she is never in my bed, but you get what I mean.  Here are my five top reasons why I wouldn't hit that:

1.  She was once an incredibly classic-looking, white, American beauty, but no more.  This has nothing to do with her being 50 and everything to do with the disappearance of her flesh.  Fleshlessness just isn't my thing.  Still, she looks pretty good in a onesie, as long as she keeps moving and you don't look too closely.

Madonna11085_4 2.  Her recent couture choices are highly questionable. See photo at right.  Some muppet suffered horribly to make that bath mat.

3.  My favourite Madonna quote of all time: "If I was a girl again, I would like to be like my fans, I would like to be like Madonna."  On one hand, it's good to love yourself, but on the other hand, any person I've met who thought that way did not get my phone number.  It comes across as back-away-slowly-and-dash-for-the-door psychopathic.

4.  She's too into her Kabbalah thing for my taste.  She was upset with Guy Ritchie's, her ex-husband's, less than intense dedication to it, she converted Gwyneth Paltrow, she is trying to re-commit Britney Spears to the faith, and her present boyfriend, Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez, was recently taking classes in Kabbalah.  I have even read that one of her demands in her divorce settlement with Guy is that he only allow the children to drink Kabbalah water. This just doesn't do it for me.  Also, all those red strings she would leave lying around would choke my cats.

5.  She goes from sexpot to religious zealot to flowery childrens' book author.  Fluid personality or schizophrenic?  I had a friend whose mother was like that. She took to hanging out with Clowns for Christ and traipsing around wearing nothing but a fur coat.

Would you kick her out of bed for eating crackers?  Or would you brave your way into a cuddle against her pointy self?  I'm kind of afraid that I wouldn't know one hard bit from another.

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You forgot the essential reason: crackers are too crumbly for comfortable sleep. I would kick her out of bed with a hydraulic ram.


1. I love the Palinode.

2. Yes, kick out. Because she was on Oprah saying she got her body from doing like 45 minutes a day of yoga or something ridiculous. Give me a freaking break and eat a cracker already.


With her new cheek implants, I picture her eating crackers, and she looks like a squirrel or beaver, whatever animal has massive upper cheeks. Not attractive. Definitely not happening in my bed. And who breaks up with GUY RITCHIE for alien-looking Alex Rodriguez???!!! EWWWWW!!!


You're right - she is very cold and angular and all around creepy. Given that, perhaps she can get a gig on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles as one of the robots who kills people with yoga moves.


I've never been on the Madonna love train either, which I've always chalked up to not being a fan of dance pop, but the coldness, the way she's transformed her once soft body into something so sculpted it doesn't look real, yeah, I understand.


Yeah, I can kind of picture her strangling a puppy with one of those red Kabbalah strings and not changing expression or even really noticing that she's doing it. "What happened to the puppy?" she'll say a few minutes later, as a roomful of children burst into tears.

Larissa Gaston

I actually like Madonna, but you make so many good points here that I'm questioning my own judgement. Totally agree on the fleshlessness thing - it's going to take way more than a cracker to turn that train around.


Sorry, IMPENETRABLE is probably the last adjective I would use to describe Madonna.


Oh, SNAP! Good one, Lori!

I have never liked her, dating all the way back to her emergence on MTV with the "Borderline" video. I always thought she had a nasally voice and should have stuck with dancing, but there is no denying her cultural impact. That being said, I think she's gross. The Fug Girls said it best here, I think.


Madonna = meh. Somebody else can have her.


Cmon. give her a break. Shes someone that remains talked about after decades and has succeeded many of her peers and idols.

A little work here and there if you have to remain in the spotlight is a must.
Just think we would be attacking her for how old her face looks if she didn't get work done. She did NOT get cheek implants its too much restilin it went done if you look at recent pics.

Shes an entertainer and quit good at her job. Lets leave at that for now. I cant wait to hear the post divorce writings in her next album. I bet it will be a somber madonna sort of reminiscence of the like a prayer days and much more age appropriate.!


I give her kudos for staying relevant, but I'm now in love with you Jason. She does not seem just narcissistic, but simply crazy. It's is as though she is the devil playing a game with her adoring fans, "How many trends can you people suffer through?"

As for her body, she once was a beautiful and fluid ballerina. No more. Now she looks robotic and sculpted. I like people to look like their skin would indent if I poked them.


Madonna's music? Love.

Madonna? Not so much.

(And as everyone here in Red Sox Nation knows, A-Rod is an A-hole. Hence, they are a perfect match.)

Abbey Road

What about the fact that I don't think I've ever seen a picture of her in a show (never seen a show either) where her legs are NOT spread as wide as possible or straddling something? I mean, overkill much?

Katie Kat

I loved the old (as in 80's) soft and fleshy Madonna who was edgy in a different way. I even love the Madonna who did the "Sex" book and was a bit wacky, but this Madonna, the angular, strict, cold, foul-mouthed and rude bitch is NOT my cup of tea. She needs to reinvent again and get back to being HUMAN.


Love her, maybe specifically because her drag impersonators look better than she does, but she's still hotter. I saw her in LA and it was a freaktastic show, much better than the Prince show the next night. Yeah, Prince! But you've blown my theory about people digging Madonna for the same reason they love the essential wildness and indifference of cats. Crap.

Fairly Odd Mother

She is way too self absorbed to care what I think, but I've never 'got' her.

She strikes me as the kind of person who puffs air out of her cheeks and rolls her eyes a lot when someone doesn't do exactly as she says. I can see that getting old very quickly.

Guy Ritchie, I hope you sneak those kids out and give them some fries. And non-Kabbalah water.


I'm not particularly a fan of Madonna's -- never got into her music -- but I wish people would stop hating on her for being muscular. She obviously loves working out, and she needs to be in shape for her job. Why does that bother people so much? If she were overweight, I doubt that there would be post after post here about how hideous her body is and how she should just stop eating already. But since she's not overweight -- she just doesn't fit the standard American beauty ideal in a different way -- it's apparently okay to mock her body. Could we please stop this? I'm a female Army officer and I hear enough snarking on women's muscular bodies from my male colleagues. I'm pretty sick of getting it from supposedly female-centric blogs as well.


Personally I think she has gone one flew over the cuckoos nest as she is aging. Madonna of 15 years ago would have made it into my bed, Madonna of today would not be invited past my front door.


I had, thus far, been able to block out all of the hype around Madonna and, therefore, still liked her. The whole adultery thing pretty much destroys her and her music for me though.

Can we do one of these for Tori Amos? Her crazy ass fans ruined her for me a long time ago.

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