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If I'm Going To Go Insane, It Better Be To Heavy Metal


"Turn that crap off, you're torturing me!"

No, that's not my dad begging me to stop playing Pantera's "Vulgar Display of Power" on repeat 15 years ago. It's the unheard cries of the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, who are being subjected to up to 20 hours a day of blasting music by such arteeestes as Nine Inch Nails, Eminem, and my beloved Pantera.

Now call me wacky, but I don't think of heavy metal when I think of torturous music. So when I start getting consulted in these matters, I wouldn't suggest these bands to torment anyone.

I have a better idea.

First things first. Torture is bad, mmmkay? In any and all forms. HOWEVER, if we're going to use music as torture, may I suggest some better selections from the vault? Because any kind of music for 20 hours straight is going to make you fried banana chips crazy, but I can think of a few songs that would drive me right round, baby right round, like a record player right round, round round the proverbial bend. And they ain't heavy metal. (HORNS!)

Emotions, Mariah Carey: You remember this one, don't you? Standard cheesy pop song blah blah someone get Mariah a hot oil treatment, please and thank you, then...WHOA! Screeching! Screaming! Dogs howling! Babies wailing! You've got ME feeling emotions, Mimi. And those emotions are confusion and wonder about why my ears are all bleedy.

Mambo #5, Lou Bega: Words cannot describe how much I hate this song. The jaunty tune, the insipid lyrics, the incessant way they played it in 1999...I actually had the distinct honor of being forced to listen to this on repeat for four hours a night at a gig back in '99, and I assure you, it WAS torture. Horrific, nightmarish torture.

Two Princes, The Spin Doctors: ARGH!!!! I have a lot of precious memories of the early 90's, but this damn song ain't one of them. What was with the pop-grunge thing, anyway? How insanely DIRTY were these guys? And not the "mmm, dirty!" kind of dirty. The "ew, bedbugs in the beard" kind of dirty. And the music! Infectious (and I mean that in the bubonic plague way) little tunes that wormed their way into your ear and oh god, they wouldn't go away, EVER. I'm singing it now, because this crap resides where high school chemistry was supposed to live.

Sunglasses At Night, Corey Hart: Now, this song isn't as nightmarish as the others per say, but it IS torturous because even now, over 25 years later, if someone, ANYONE is seen wearing their sunglasses after dusk, someone ELSE will start singing this song. It's inevitable. It's stupid. It is a guarantee that it will happen. You forget your shades are on the top of your head at a party, they get knocked down, and some knucklehead in a white baseball cap starts drunkenly warbling. Torture. 

Okay, okay, no more torture. Here, go and listen to this. Ahh, much better. It all comes back, doesn't it? Circle of life, baby.

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I suggest anything out of the Celine Dion songbook. Also, Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You or I'm Every Woman, cos the first fews times they are okay and after about 50 times they just make you want to staple someone's face!


Miss Banshee. BlackEyedGurl. I hear thee, and I agree! Completely, totally, utterly agree!

But can I just remind you that you forgot the elephant in the room? Hanson? Mm-Bop? (Or however the hell you spell it)


Manuel Noriega lost it from Van Halen, so I guess everybody has their own set of torturous songs.

For me it would probably be "The Futures So Bright, I gotta wear shades" (Timbuk 3) and I felt like I was being tortured earlier this year with Rick Asteley and that damn Rickroll of "Never gonna give you up"

Though as Blackeyedgurl mentions Celine and Whitney could also probably bring me to my knees and confess to crimes I didn't commit.


James Blunt's "Beautiful" and Plain White Tees' "Hey There Delilah" are my additions to the list of awful torture songs. My GAWD.


Wasnt there something from Celine Dion's camp over the summer that she was going to sue for ROYALTIES as the government tortured the prisioners with her music but she didnt get compensated? And to make matters worse, the torture didnt stop due to public outcry, it was ASCAP?? Unbelievably twisted.


The Spin Doctors:

There's lots of music from the early 90s I consider torturous. "Mr. Jones" by the Counting Crows is probably the worst offender.

Erin G.

Sandi Patti's version of "Via Dolorosa" is indulgent and a-w-f-u-l and perfectly suited for torture.



Your body is a wonderland will make me go flesh ripping nutso like the movie 28 days later zombieass crazy!! Pantara gets a big \m/ devil horn of rock

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