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Ex-Porn Star Deemed Unfit To Make Lunch

"Porn or no porn, I make a mean fucking tater tot."


This is Crystal Gunns and, as you can discern from the photograph, she has huge boobs. But that's not the end of this story. Crystal used to be something of a model, appearing in the likes of D-Cup, Gent, Hustler Busty Beauties, Score, and Swank magazines. She made some adult movies, made some dough selling her ass on the internet, and generally perpetuated the oppression of women by acting all a slut.

Then, in 2003, she quit.

She quit. Walked away. Did the right thing or what have you. She tried to get some credit in the straight world. But just like poor Brooks Hatlen in The Shawshank Redemption, poor Crystal Gunns learned that it's no easy feat to shed a lifestyle. Except she didn't hang herself because working in a grocery store was too tough a gig. Rather, she's a victim of our collective inability to swallow a little porno with our salisbury steak.

Her story is after the jump.

Crystal Gunns scored a part-time job as an elementary school cafeteria worker and playground monitor and she didn't even nail down 6 grand a year. I'm guessing she made a little bit more than that sucking cock on film. Why'd she take such a huge paycut? Who knows? Maybe one morning the sun beamed through her window in just the right way and her fascination with light rendered her occupation ungratifying. A burning bush? Perhaps it was one of those jolts in the mirror wherein you don't recognize yourself. It really doesn't matter. This young lady tried to do something different. And she got burned for it.

Some supposed do-gooder brought her past into the light and a bunch of parents and the board of education president screamed for her head. They had no legal grounds to fire her, but she resigned, and we know why she resigned.

You already know what I'm wondering. What the hell does engaging in legal adult activity 5 years ago have to do with someone's present ability to sling tater tots and break up fights between 8-year-olds?

First of all. Porn fuels the internet. At any given time there's any number of millions of dudes jerking off to internet porn. In fact, 2700 just now came into a tissue. Yuck. There's another 2700 making that crazy face. And there's another. And another. My point? These dudes are gonna clean their dicks in the sink, zip their pants, and go to work. They're teachers, firemen, and Catholic priests.

The entire workforce - the entire world - is crawling with people who dig sex for crying out loud!

The people who wanted this innocent woman fired are a bunch of kinky hypocrites with drawers full of monstrous dildos, flavored lubes, and strings upon strings of butt beads. It's a given. They're afraid that letting a porn star serve kids lunch will somehow shed light on their own depravity. It's bullshit. Someone needs to give that woman her job back and teach those soccer moms that it's OK to be a dirty whore.

You can still rise from your back and be a good citizen. 


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Marmite Breath

Oh God! I'd much rather she serve lunch to my kids than the sour-faced bitch-faces at my kids school. They are so MEAN to the kids, and when I complained to the Principal he said, "It's a very low paying job, and we can't get anyone else to do it."

Oh, and Brooks? I might cry right now. I loved that sad old bastard and cried when he put "Brooks was here" on the beam. *SOB*


If she wore the above outfit to hand out pints of milk on trays.. then perhaps I could see the outcry..

If they were afraid she was "unclean" and she didn't have her hair up, or had gloves on.. I could see it..

But if it was just because she made money with HER body (regardless if some people think she was degrading herself or her gender or not) I don't think it is grounds for firing.

Maybe some altruistic *sic* lawyer will come to her aid and sue the school district and then screw her out of 33%.


terrible. she does deserve her job back. so ridiculous. puritans.


Okay two things: NICE Brooks Hatlen reference AND OMG someone remove that poor woman's implants! Seriously, jesus.


Why use that picture? It's awful. There has to be a better one out there.


For those wondering, her apparel was not inappropriate, it was not until somebody decided to make an issue of her past that anybody had a clue as to her past.

As to the rest of it, it sort of reminds me of the Group W bench in Alice's Restaurant, where they have to decide if you are "moral enough to join the army after being a litter bug"

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