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Walmart Wants To Remind You That Your Butt Is Huge In Those Jeans

Wii_fit_wal_mart_01

Hey guys! How's your hangover? Mine is probably going to be brutal once I get up, but I'm not awake now. See, I had to pour my husband into bed at, like, 2 a.m., like he was made of soup, and I am now drunk-editing my post, because I am oh-so dedicated.

So, did you make some New Year's resolutions? Like, say, do you have some holiday weight you've resolved to shed in the new year? Well, your friends at Walmart want to give you some extra incentive, and what better motivation than a dose of self-loathing?

As if you needed another reason to hate shopping for clothes, Walmart is apparently installing Wii Fits in their woman's clothing departments. If you're unfamiliar with the Wii Fit, it's an exercise game that uses the balance board peripheral for the Nintendo Wii. The game registers your weight and center of balance. You use it to do aerobics, strength training, balancing exercises, and yoga.

Also, if it thinks you're fat, it groans when you step on it. Like "UGH, GET OFF ME, FATTY Mc TUBBERSON." Thanks, Nintendo, I've always wanted a scale that ridicules me!

Anyway.

(disclaimer: I wrote the rest of this article after consuming a bottle of wine. Sober Snarky Amber and MamaPop do not necessarily endorse the rest of this article.)

Fat

Okay, you know what? Fuck you, Walmart. Furthermore, fuck you, Nintendo. Fuck you for advertising a product that is NEVER available in stores when I go to buy it. And fuck you for advertising it in the megastore department that MOST fills me with self-loathing whilst shopping. Yes, I KNOW I'M FAT. Trying on a pair of jeans in the size I used to wear already makes me feel like a fucking whale. I don't need a goddamn computer to tell me what a fat ass I have or how shitty my balance is in certain yoga forms after over a year of delinquency in my erstwhile six-days-a-week yoga regimen. I am too drunk to even start on the fact that there is apparently not a similar set-up in the MEN'S department, despite the huge spare tires I've seen waddling around in there. TOO DRUNK. I'm approaching my maximum number of F bombs for one post, anyway.

This news does not make me want to go to a Walmart any more than I ever did before (which, BTW, was 0%, Fallingmotherfuckingprices notwithstanding). It makes me want to eat a chocolate cake in one sitting and start learning how to sew potato sackcloth together into muumuus for my impending morbid obesity.  Marketing FAIL, Walmart. Suck my figurative dick.

I'm gonna go drink more wine now, thanks very much.

Happy 2009 to you all, BTW. My personal resolution is to avoid both Walmart and the Wii Fit like the plague and eat more chocolate. Tell me yours in the comments, or slag on Walmart some more!

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Comments

Anna

Another reason why Walmart sucks.

KimAZ

Amber, I seriously love you and HATE Walmart. It's all FAIL and you are all WIN.

ivymae

I just read this post out loud to my husband. Happy fucking new year Snarky Amber!

Karina in T.O

Atta girl Amber! Walmart totally blows and its about time people stop getting suckered in by the cheap shit, and realize what Walmart does to any town and competing retailer when they open one of their ridiculous mammoth eyesore stores.

My hubby and I like to spice things up the once or twice a year we actually step into that dump and wander around the isles mummbling "UNION MEETING ISLE 12!!!" just to see the looks on peoples faces. lol

AzRN

karina, you made me laugh out loud :D ! i might have to try that at the local walmart...rotflmao!

cindy w

This is just one more thing to add to the list of reasons why I drive an extra few miles out of my way to go to Target rather than Wal-Mart.

Kristina

We are another boycott Walmart family here, although not a fan of the wii fit, it has a weight limit. . .

JennyM

As if this wasn't already a fabulous post, it's let me know that there are other people out there that hate Wal-Mart and everything it stands for as much as we do, and who haven't fallen for the "but it's soooo much cheaper!" myth. It's, you know, not, really. Suck it, Wal-Mart.

Robyn

Amber, you are my hero!!!!! I am all for being healthy and at my 'ideal' weight, but having Nintendo and Wal-mart try to influence me... Ummm. No. Hell no.

I saw a great bumper sticker the other day-"Mal-wart. Falling prices on cheap plastic crap made in China."

Hilary

Wal-Mart sucks times one hundred. Sucks, sucks, sucks.




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