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Heroes Recap: "Cold War"


Previously on "Heroes" we saw this stuff but with less cursing.

We join the 3 amigos (Parkman, Suresh and Pretty Boy Petrelli) in the past, right before they drugged HRG/Noah.  We're not sure how we know that we're watching the past, but we can feel it.  Matt Parkman and Mohinder Suresh are bickering like an old married couple as they walk down the stairs of their secret hideout.  At this point it is unclear whether or not there is a handshake, password or some sort of coded knock involved for said hideout, but we like to think that there is.  It also appears that no girls are allowed, which is something of a staple as far as hideouts go.  Or is that clubhouses?  It is also pretty clear that the secret hideout is actually the sound-stage for "My Name is Earl."   The amigos are in a crappy hotel with a crappy pool and crappy cars in a crappy parkinglot.  Life is their El Guapo.  They meet Peter Petrelli who has "the stuff" in the trunk of his car, which is weird since he most likely flew to get said "stuff."  It's all a little unclear.  The past is confusing (when you've been drinking).  Earl puts "the past" on his list.

We see the same scene in the bar that we saw in the previous episode, the one where HRG/Noah drank 3 roofitinis and went home with the holy trinity.  At this point it may as well be stock footage.  The recession is a bitch.

We are now in the present.  The recession still sucks.

Matt starts to use his mind powers on HRG/Noah to find out what the hell is going on.  We, the television audience, go back into the past, which we are very confident about because this past has a subtitle that reads "5 weeks ago" and also the scene is in black and white.  Apparently HRG/Noah's past isn't as colorful as we've been led to believe.

We see HRG/Noah having a conversation with Mother Petrelli.  She's all yada, yada, yada and take care of Claire and here's a bunch of money and a thing that tells time.  HRG/Noah says he doesn't know what else to do and Mother Petrellis acts like she cares.  She is showing a lot of leg.

Back to the present, which as you know, is in color.  Military Jackass and Jackass Petrelli are talking about Bennett, who we'll just keep calling HRG/Noah although doing so is neither faster or easier. According to Military Jackass, HRG/Noah is "off the grid" which is Tron-talk for he's missing.  Apparently HRC/Noah didn't check-in when he got off work which can only mean one thing, he was drinking on the job.

Jackass Petrelli finds out that Military Jackass is spying on everyone.  He means EVERYONE.  Yes, even you.

The 3 Musketeers are now bickering in the round and finally agree to let Parkman dig deeper into HRG/Noah's memory despite the fact it's now "4 weeks ago" and seems like, technically speaking, that would be noticeably more shallow. Everything is in shades of grey.  Literally.

HRG/Noah is doing a crossword puzzle and can't figure out the name of Nick and Nora's dog or any of the songs from their infinite playlist.  Luckily his wife knows- despite having her hard drive erased repeatedly for over 2 seasons.  There is a knock on the door and it is Jackass Petrelli, which, to be clear, is Nathan.

Jackass Petrelli is trying to get HRG/Noah to come back to the dark side.  They go to a storage unit where HRG/Noah keeps all of his weapons and perspective.  It is also where he stores his yearbooks and a shoe box full of poetry.  He tells Jackass Petrelli that there are only so many crossword puzzles he can do.  Seeing as it is Monday and he couldn't even get 7 down we're inclined to agree.  The puzzles only get harder as the week progresses.

Parkman is concentrating, Peter Petrelli is emoing and Mohinder is sick of this shit.  Matt tells Mohinder that he is an open book.  We assume he means The Thin Man.

Peter flies to the storage unit to get some perspective and maybe a dime bag of some more "stuff."  It is, obviously, a trap.

Jackasses of the show unite and Nathan tells Military to make sure Peter is caught, not hurt. Military Jackass says to put the phasers on stun, which makes me realize that Sylar isn't in this episode but rather living long and prospering-  and frankly it cheapens the whole experience.

Meanwhile, Peter throws the world's most useless grenade at the military types that are converging upon him and then he flies right over them like Peter Pan over a ship full of disoriented pirates.  That one was for the kids out there.

We keep going back and forth between the Jackasses and the memories of HRG/Noah as his story unfolds, one black and white week at a time. It's like time travel but without Hiro or a flux capacitor.

Parkman and Mohinder get into fisticuffs and HRG/Noah escapes.  We, and by we I mean everyone with two eyes and basic cable, saw this coming.  Peter catches him and fixes everything with duct tape.

Matt wants to find out who number two works for and hopes HRG/Noah will blow his O-ring.  Matt dives even deeper into even shallower water, and yes, according to spellchecker 'shallower' is a word.  We know Parkman isn't messing around anymore because he substitutes his usual look of concentration with Blue Steel.  Minds no longer stand a chance.

Memory:  HRG/Noah and Military Jackass have some scotch and a side of tension. 

Back to life, back to reality.  At this point HRG/Noah gets a bloody nose which means he's going to die if the island moves again.

Matt gives Peter another address, this time for "the guy" and Petrelli flies to confront him.  Right after he leaves the gunmen show up to save HRG/Noah and catch Parkman and Suresh.

"The guy" is Military Jackass and Peter shoots him in the arm right after Nathan shows up way too fast for anyone to explain, plus his hair is wind-blown. It looks okay.

Mohinder and Matt are cool again.  HRG/Noah says that Daphne is alive and Matt doesn't believe him.  Mohinder tells him that he'll cover him and to dig deeper.  It turns out that Mohinder's idea of covering Matt is to get himself shot by a dozen tranquilizer darts. You can tell he's still new at this.

Surprise!  We find out in a memory that Daphne is indeed alive. Everyone seems surprised that she is alive despite the fact that she is the only person on a stretcher that isn't in a body bag.  Plus she has an IV in her arm.  These are called clues.

HRG/Noah runs up to Daphne's side asking the crowd for a sedagive.  Said a give?  He said a dirty word! sedative.  He then does some math in his head and gives her 3 times the normal amount.  He's like freaking Rainman.

Matt gets caught despite Mohinder's best efforts and is being walked down the stairs by HRG/Noah when another grenade goes off and Peter picks up Parkman and together they fly towards the second star on the right and straight on till morning.

Mohinder is chained down in a cell and gets a good talking to from Jackass Petrelli.  Jackass explains what is happening on the show in a much clearer fashion than I do.  He also tells Mohinder that if he cooperates then Daphne will be saved, and that if he doesn't everyone will die.  Mohinder, being a scientist, knows something that Jackass apparently doesn't- everybody dies.  Also, everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.  So hold on.  Hold on.

HRG/Noah and Military Jackass have a moment.  HRG/Noah then sits on a bench with Mother Petrelli and they discuss the role he needs to play and whether or not they need a safety word.  This just in: HE'S A FUCKING GOOD(ISH) GUY!  He says he's always been comfortable with morally grey.  We drink to that.

Cut to Peter and Matt in Isaac's old loft.  Matt is painting scenes of destruction and Washington D.C. under a mushroom cloud.  He freaks out a bit and tells Peter that all he wanted to do was find Daphne. What he doesn't say is that he also wanted to zoom-zoom-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom, but it's implied.

Peter tells him that it's all good, he is not a monster.  The residents of Sesame Street find the term to be used offensively and somebody writes a letter.  It is a lowercase "p."  It appears to be in chalk.

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Excellent recap! I especially enjoyed the many Peter Pan references. :)


"Life is their El Guapo". Now I picture Steve Martin in a sombrero as the show's narrator.


I would love to get in your head. Hmmm, wish I had Parkman's ability. Seems like it would be fun.


This was my daily crack up. Thank you!

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