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Heroes Recap: "Building 26"

Heroes

Authored by super special guest contributor and honorary MamaPop Bestard, Whit of Honea Express

"Heroes" has some new competition on my TiVo now, thanks to FOX moving "House M.D." to Monday nights.  The real victim here is Tuesday which has subsequently fallen to laundry night.  There isn't shit on Tuesday.  But I digress.  Here's what happened on "Heroes":

It all started at the Bennet breakfast table.  Noah/HRG, Claire, the kid from 2 1/2 men, the mom and that damn dog Mr. Rodentofunusualsize were all eating Eggos in awkward silence, you know, a typical family meal, and telling lies and drinking the coffee that Noah/HRG made because everyone else makes shit coffee, okay, and he makes the damn coffee.  The scene was pivotal because it showed us Mrs. HRG's new bowl set which she had painted "Chapter Three" and "Building 26" on, respectively, BY HAND- probably at that new Paint a Dream place in the mall.

Claire got a text from someone named Rebel telling her that they needed her help and that she must warn Target, but didn't say crap about warning Wal-Mart because really, who the fuck cares about Wal-Mart? This is happening while Noah/HRG is lying through his Eggo-filled mouth.  The whole time.  It makes it hard to trust him and his manners are questionable.

Noah/HRG and Claire then have a bit of a "moment" and there is some "drama" about her crashing planes and killing federal agents- you know, teenage stuff, and then Dad drops community college on her.  Fucking community college!  Claire is so mad that she reads another text from Rebel.  This time it says, "Hey babe, your hairs alright.  Hey babe, let's go out tonight."

Cut to the bad guys, namely that jackass military guy who is warning everyone that Claire Bennet is okay to look at, but no touching, and that they need to be careful because "Dateline" is totally on to their shit and they don't need that kind of publicity.

Sylar and his new padawan Luke are on a road trip in the Griswald family truckster, and Sylar totally made a mixed tape with such staples as Steppenwolf's Born to be Wild- the extended cut.  Luke doesn't understand the word "skanky" as he uses it to describe a diner, which is unlike every diner I've ever been in but exactly like the one I'd like to go to.  Sylar pulls the "don't make me stop this car" act, and does, indeed, stop the car.  Somebody spray paints "honky" on the side but we never see it.  It is during this moment that Sylar comes to terms with the fact that he is "technically" a serial killer and the audience nods their head and somebody probably yelled, "no shit," and somebody probably thought to themselves that admitting it was the first step.  The audience takes and they make it their own.  That's TV, people.

All the while everyone with powers is being watched by traffic cameras and that includes you with your powers of chronic masturbation.

Claire goes to a comic store to save the target, who is Michael Phelps, but instead of pulling bongs his power is breathing underwater and he thinks Claire is pulling his leg, but he's attracted to her and can feel his little dolphin stir in his Aquaman Underoos.  Claire is most likely going commando.

The target's name is actually Alex, but the rest of that stuff is true except for the Underoos.  He thinks Claire is a joke or a stripper, and we think it's too bad that she isn't the latter because it would totally help the ratings and the idea of it makes our little dolphin stir, but you'll see that next week on "Dateline."

To prove she's serious Claire cuts her hand open with a box-cutter (terrorists get ideas) and lets Alex watch her heal which is usually the third date for her so you know she's digging him, probably because he reminds her of Michael Phelps.

She helps Alex avoid her dad who is tracking him and then... hilarity ensues!

At some point I use my power of pouring 3 fingers of bourbon.  I feel eyes on me.  I drink like Winston Smith on a bender.

Meanwhile, in India...

The now powerless Hiro and the suddenly powerful Ando are stopping a wedding for no apparent reason.  Ando jumps the gun and fucks up Hiro's moment by approaching the bride first.  He gives her a sign by rubbing his feet on the carpet and shocking her.  She can't believe the sign and thinks that long-haired freaky people should be allowed to apply if they want to. Hiro then whines FOREVER.  He's big on destiny like McFly's big on density-  he's hers.

Jackass Nathan Petrelli gets called out by Homeland Security's Abby Collins who thinks that people with powers are magic, but not like Doug Henning, more like she's being sarcastic.  People with powers start dating Holly Madison. 

Luke and Sylar finally stop at a diner and talk about Sylar's father. There's some heavy stuff going on.  Luke tells the truth and we know this because Sylar's spider-sense doesn't go off, also, he doesn't kill him.  Turns out that Sylar's dad sold him for money.  Sylar feels this is fucked up and doesn't even ask how much he got which I thought was kind of important.  Obviously serial killers aren't bothered by the recession.

We see Jessica Niki Tracy and she's all hot, and that's because they have her tied up in Kramer's apartment and the neon light from the Kenny Rogers Roaster is insane.  Also, someone put butter on her as a joke and now she not only looks hot but she smells delicious.

Even on TiVo I'm sick of that Shiny Toy Guns commercial.

Back to India and Hiro and Ando are breaking down years of culture and tradition and resisting the urge to make "Slumdog Millionaire" jokes, which would be totally inappropriate.  There may be some lesbian undertones at play between the bride and her business partner, which are overshadowed by the pissed off husband whose name I thought was Teabag but later sounded like Meathook.  Meatbag knocks Ando out and kidnapped his ass.  In fact he kidnapped all of him.

Noah/HRG realizes Claire got him good.  He looks like a Mentos commercial.

Sylar is becoming the Jedi.  He is instructing Luke on their powers. Luke is an apt pupil and starts counting down the days until he can snatch the pebble from Sylar's hand.  The government guys come in and shoot the place up.  Sylar gets away.  Luke, not so much.

Now that Ando is kidnapped the wedding is back on.  The groom will kill Ando unless the wedding goes as planned.  Hiro saves the day and is fairly bad-ass right up to the moment where he raises his arms in triumph and squeals like a 10-year-old girl backstage at a Jonas Brothers concert.

Jessica Niki Tracy escapes and Abby Collins sees her freeze a guy and then break him into millions of little pieces.  Jessica Niki Tracy is surprisingly pale for someone that has spent days in a toaster oven.  She tells Nathan that she knows it was him and kisses his cheek- that part is just implied.  He broke her heart.

Turns out that the jackass guy working under jackass Nathan Petrelli let her loose to show Abby Collins what the fuck is up.  Abby is then in the know and money is no longer an issue.  Neither, apparently, are ice cubes.

We see Claire eating peanut butter which is just her way of showing off about being invincible and that no peanut recall can stop her.  Claire then tells her mom the truth about what Noah/HRG is doing.  Momma is not happy.  Noah/HRG comes home and tries the classic "wasn't me" defense to no avail.  He's moving out and Claire is hiding Alex in her closet  between the cheerleading outfit and the skeletons.  They're probably doing it right now.

The government types are leaving the skanky diner only to be stopped and rocked by inner turmoil while in their van.  Turns out that the inner turmoil is Sylar disguised in one of their outfits and he takes their computer and his young padawan with him.

Hiro and Ando are chilling in India eating free pastries at the former bride's shop when she gives them a fax from Rebel.   It says that they've torn their dress and their face is a mess.  This is actually a lie that I made up because every time they said Rebel I thought of "Rebel Rebel" by David Bowie for absolutely no reason (other than the rebel part).  The fax from Rebel actually said that they needed to save Matt Parkman, who, by the way, sent them to India in the first place what with his being the artist-in-residence and gypsy fortune teller and all.  Hiro, again with the destiny.

Luke and Sylar are back on the road trip that isn't a road trip and Sylar is trying to be tough and Luke is calling him on his shit.  Sylar turns on the radio and it's playing "Psycho Killer."  Best.  Mixed. Tape. Ever.

We close with Noah/HRG tying one on at the hotel bar when it becomes apparent that someone has slipped him a roofie.  It makes the music much better.  We see a bunch of men come out of nowhere and walk to his unconscious body.  We can only assume that theirs is the power of sodomy.

But no, it's actually Matt Parkman, Mohinder Suresh and Peter Petrelli.  The freakin' calvary!  They take Noah/HRG to an undisclosed location where we'll have to wait until next week to find out, finally, the truth about him.  Is he a hero or a villain?  It's what the kids call a cliff-hanger but without Sylvester Stallone.

Then the lights went down and House played the piano for a few minutes.  It sounded like a metaphor.

. . . . .
Visit Whit at Honea Express







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Comments

Sweetney

Best. Heroes Recap. EVAR.

Whit FTW!!!

Tricia

Awesome, I felt like I was there watching it with you. Oh wait, I was.

Her Bad Mother

What I want to know is, would House take Sylar's case, and if he did, would Sylar like totally cut off his head to get House's douchebag powers?

heidi

This is better than the actual show. LOVE.

Alex

I had something to say but then Sweetney took it.

And so I say to her: Can we keep him? Please?

veonica

LOL at the House/Sylar standoff. I'd be interested to see who could be the bigger jerk-off though...it would be a mighty tough competition! (And I heart House because he is such a jerk!)

Sweetney

Alex: I think that... might be a... relatively good possibility. (squee!)

Alex

For reals, Sweetney?! SQUEEEEEE!!

SciFi Dad

"power of sodomy" - see, now I would have gone with "power to make others make farm animal noises"

However, this whole episode was ruined for me because I spent the whole time trying to figure out why Aquaman looked familiar: he was the med student who almost broke up Ephram and Amy on Everwood. Bastard. He's definitely going to turn out to be a bad guy. Probably after an ugly scene at a sushi restaurant where HRG is getting takeout.

birdgal

uh, definitely better than the show!

Holmes

Your powers of narration are awesome.

palinode

If you're going to drink like Winston Smith on a bender, then may I suggest you put down your bourbon and pick up a nice bottle of Victory Gin? Yes, smooth Victory Gin, with the relaxing doubleplusgood flavour of Liam Neeson. Yup, that's the secret ingredient.

r+k+mama

I broke up with Heroes a couple of months ago. Thanks for getting me up to date without putting me through the terrible, terrible acting.

Jeff S.

JUST. LIKE. I. WAS. THERE.
Nice recap!
:)
Can you do more of these please? Then I might not even watch the show!
Who the hell am I kidding? I will still watch!

Backpacking Dad

I had to wait until I'd seen the show (DVR) so I could read this. I wanted to be able to get the genuine Heroes experience before reading the Ideal Heroes Experience.

Because this was fantastic. I may just stop watching now if you're going to be doing this every week.

Whit

Thanks, gang! Assuming Nathan Petrelli hasn't bagged and gagged me I'll be covering Heroes on a weekly basis for MamaPop- even when it's not on. I don't have much of a life.




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