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Lost Remote Results In Paranormal Walk Of Shame

Ps34 Authored by super special guest contributor and honorary MamaPop Betch, Katie of Motherbumper

Recently I’ve started watching a show called Paranormal State on A&E.  Has anyone noticed how A&E used to be the home of Biography marathons and serial killers but has gone through some kind of reality show metamorphosis that transformed it into the round-the-clock home of police / bounty hunter / exterminator shows?  I do believe that The Exterminators is a new all time low for the channel.  Wait… no the show about the meter maids was the bottom; The Exterminators helped drill it into the rock.

Anyhow, I must have misplaced the remote the night I first watched Paranormal State. I think what first drew me in may have been the cheeseball Star Trek-inspired "director’s log" voice-over that opens every episode and continues throughout the show.  Because--mark my word--I find it really hard to pass on a chance to make fun of someone else in order to boost my self-esteem, especially someone on the idiot box who isn’t going to talk back.  But regardless of the ego-boosting fromage, it was something else that made me stay. And what was that "something else" you may ask?

Dudes, I think I would have totally hung out with these guys back in university.

You see, when I went to university the first time around (it took multiple tries), I had no time for joining societies or clubs that didn’t involve either extra course credits or alcohol.  Screw meeting like-minded people in the pursuit of sharing and increasing knowledge. I wanted to party and/or pass my courses – in that order.   You can see why it took me a couple of rounds to get something on paper – well that, and some other reasons which I won't get into here.

Anyhow, back to watching Paranormal State. I’m pretty sure I would have made time to hang out with these freaks--I mean fine looking people. Seriously, I am so all over this chupacabra, Mothman, Big Foot, Scoobie and the Gang kind of stuff.  I totally love freaking myself out, and I don’t doubt for a moment that there is more to this mortal plane than what we can take in with only our physical senses.  Watching this show allows me to go back in time and relive my glory days (that never happened) because I know – without a doubt – the cast of this show would have been my friends, my cohorts, MY POSSE.  Look at them:

(l-r: Heather, Eilfie, Ryan, Katrina, Sergey)

But I do have some concerns about my new friends.

Take Ryan, the founder and leader of the Paranormal Research Society (PRS) at Penn State University.  He’s serious.  Very, very serious. Granted, every posse – nerd herd to the elite amongst us – needs a leader to keep them focused on the grand scheme.   But when Ryan says that members of the PRS must sometimes become “warriors” during the opening credits of the show, it’s really hard to take him as seriously as he does himself. Actually, if you haven’t watched the opening credits of the show, it’s worth seeing but only if you like making fun of people who take life just a little too seriously (starts around :50).  Another concern I have about Ryan: I have a funny feeling that one night at some random party, we’d both get really drunk, end up in bed, and then pretend it never happened (kwim?).

Now Sergey on the far right is the techie at PRS and I can tell just by looking at him that he's a really nice guy.  I suspect that if we hung out we would quickly become friends.  According to Sergey's bio, he joined the club after getting addicted to the paranormal from watching a marathon of shows on the subject. This also leads me to believe that Sergey may be in fact be a stoner, but that's just my Spidey-sense talking.  Anyhow, we’d probably become friends and then he’d develop some weird crush on me but I could never date him because his facial hair really creeps me out and if he shaved it off to entice me, he’d look twelve.  After revealing his crush on me, it would probably be really awkward for awhile and I’d end up having to hook him up with one of the other chicks women in the society so as to end the awkwardness.  Voila! Problem solved.  (Wow, it’s like that’s happened to me before.)

Speaking of the other women, I have yet to form any opinions on Heather the camera person and Katrina the interviewer, but frankly Eilfie - the occult specialist - scares me a little bit and I think I’d have to sleep with one eye open, clutching prayer beads if I pissed her off. I just know that if I did cross her, she’d either curse me or turn up everywhere I go and stare at me.  And if that happened, I can say with most certainty, that I’d drop out of school, move far away, change my name, fly under the radar, and perhaps enlist the services of a Louisiana Voodoo Queen named Maria to solve my problem.  Woah! It's like I’ve had to deal with this type of situation before, isn’t it?

Oh my word, I think I did hang out with these guys in university.  Well at least I don’t have to experience any awkward walks of shame, dodging conversations, or change my name again.  I’m so over that shit.

. . . . .
Visit Katie at Motherbumper

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Woah, the paragraph about Sergey took me spiraling back to my pre-highschool, post college days...those awkward in-between days when things like that paragraph happened to me on a regular basis.


Oh my goodness, I love this show! It's definitely silly at times, but I just love ghosty shows, Ryan is kind of cute, and I too feel like if this group were at my school, I'd have been in with them as well...

And the stuff about Eilfie? NO SHIT. She creeps me out more than anything else on that show, which I'm pretty sure wasn't the goal when involving her...

foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)

I wonder if the fact that I read Amityville Horror kabillion million times when I was in middle school (I ordered it from the Scholastic book order! Awesome!) makes me qualified to be a paranormal investigator. There's flies on the screen, you say? Get the F out of there!!

When do these kids go to class?! And why do people who get 'bad touches' from ghosts stick the hell around? I know the economy sucks, but unload that haunted mansion!


Not only do I totally dig this show, my other half and I have taken it too far. Yes, we've joined a ghost hunting group. It all started with Ghost Hunters on the SciFi Channel and progressed from there. We've spent an amount of money I won't discuss and equipped ourselves to the nines. We prowl around in dark stubbing our toes and looking for apparitions and trying to elicit EVPs. We absolutely LOVE it!

I also totally agree with the over-seriousness of Ryan and Sergie's potheaded-ness.

We are also in love with Chip Coffey and his Paranormal Kids. That man just gives me a vibe... its difficult to explain but I would meet him in person. I have this image of him in a big wood paneled office, sitting in a leather office chair stroking a white cat and reveling to me the secret workings of my mind. And no, I have no idea why I always picture people I don’t know but hear about or see on TV in odd, unrealistic situations.

katie ~ motherbumper

Hawkeyegirl - My husband gave me total flack for not including Chip Coffey in this post but I was all like "Dude, I'd never sleep with Chip because for me he has the sexual magnetism of Truman Capote." But Chip, oh Chip. When they call in the expertise of Chip I titter in anticipation for his "did you hear that?" quips and wide-eyed reactions. He always steals the show.


I watched this once because I'm a Penn State Alumni and felt I needed to support fellow Penn Staters. I never watched again. Not sure why. Sort of forgot about it. I may have to give it a second chance!


I can't believe I left out Chip Coffey...thanks for reminding me, hawkeyegirl!

That guys is the best. And don't even get me started on Creepy Lorraine, the demonologist. LOVE.


Great post! I always make up stories about them when I watch. I imagine the leader gets laid pretty easily. But needs a lot of caretaking and you would have to bite your lip so as not to laugh when he starts whipping his head around looking for boogeymen during sex.

Not that I wonder about it much.


You are absolutely hilarious and you portrayed them so well. You're a very good writer.

Lets hear some more soon! For such a great article I've left you a present.

A present for you - ROFLMSO



i'm pretty sure Sergey does this show b/c he's not cool enough to get on Yo Gabba Gabba


I prefer Ghost Hunters on Sci Fi Channel. They are still a nerdy group, but not as annoying or full of themselves as the group on Paranormal. Plus they don't bring in the ESP/Occult people. Also, Ghost Hunters International investigates some really old and interesting places. I do laugh though when they are in Spain or Brazil and they are asking the ghosts questions and talking to them in English and no one ever questions whether the ghosts would even understand English. Do we all become multi-lingual in the afterlife? Hee Hee.

Heather @ Domestic Extraordinaire

Dude, is it just me or does Ryan look way less dorky in his photo above rather than in the video below.

loved the article! I *almost* want to watch it. Almost.

Karina in T.O

Dude, I find Ryan kinda .....dare I say it.....hawt.

And I'm gonna have to agree with a bunch of the other posts. Chip? total fucking show stealer!


My boyfriend loves this show! We once watched about five episodes straight when we were on vacation. I too always imagine what they are actually like in person. Heather cracks me up because she seems so normal but she's part of this gang of oddballs...but then anytime you need someone to go sit alone in the scariest place in the house she is way up for it. I think she gets a ladyboner from freaking herself out. And Ryan is kind of cute but no way could you date him, you would always want to giggle when he gets all serious (which is always).
And Chip! is the best!
And Eilfie both disgusts me and creeps me out. Her involvement would preclude me being a part of that group for sure...

Apryl's Antics

I had a dream I made out with Ryan shortly after I started watching. Since then, there's been an odd attraction.

In real life I actually had dinner with Chip Coffey and went on a ghost tour with him. He is really cool.


You are kind of making me want to give up my self imposed ban on reality TV, if only just to have more things to make fun of.

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