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Joaquin Phoenix Isn't Crazy If He's Val Kilmer

Do you remember in Oliver Stone's Doors movie when Val Kilmer is Jim Morrison and he's all fat and gnarly and he's watching the news? The news is all filled with various forms of pathetic devastation and it's too much for Val Kilmer's Jim Morrison's fragile psyche and a tear trickles down his cheek like that Indian who's all bummed out about littering. Val Kilmer's Jim Morrison mutters "I'm having a nervous breakdown." Remember that? Well then tell me this then. Is that or is it not Joaquin Phoenix?

Ap_joaquin_phoenix_090213_mn

I cracked the code. Joaquin Phoenix is NOT crazy. It's not even him. It's really just Val Kilmer's portrayal of Jim Morrison playing Joaquin Phoenix playing a rapper. He's just warming up to play the governor of New Mexico.

Seriously, though, I love this story no matter which way is up.

Either:

A). Joaquin Phoenix is pulling a fast one. Awesome.

B). Joaquin Phoenix is losing his mind right in front of us. Awesomer. Or

C). Joaquin Phoenix is really Val Kilmer. Big fucking awesome.

For me personally, I hope this whole thing is legit. I hope he really quits movies and I hope he really starts busting rhymes. Joaquin! Drop an old school beat. Why? What kind of question is that? Why the hell not? Do you know how many times I've DREAMED all the way to work about quitting my job to become a rapper?

I want to ask that again in italics for dramatic flair effects: Do you know how many times I've DREAMED all the way to work about quitting my job to become a rapper?

"Shut your mouth clean out your ears I'm Joaquin Phoenix / I love and leave the ladies in tears pass the Kleenex."

So the guy's like every other swinging dick in the world with testosterone splashing through us. We wanna crack skulls and spit rhymes. That doesn't mean we have mental problems or substance abuse issues. NO IT DOES NOT! If he's got the dough to quit his day job and start rocking the mic, more power to him.

"When the mic's up in this hand, I'm respected and feared / Listen to the rhymes fall from this beard."

Here's what he said in a recent interview. This sounds lucid. "I want it to be big. Not big like popular. I want it to really try and be, for me, the culmination of my life thus far... Most of it, I think, is an internal exploration." What can't you people accept about this? There comes a time in a man's life when he just needs to step back, reflect, and explore his insides with rap.

"All these silly ass critics writing trash trying to slam me / Stick that Oscar up your ass motherfucker pass my grammy."

There's nothing wrong with switching careers 4 or 5 times in this fragmented postmodern world. Think of all the Joaquin Phoenixes we'd miss out on if we just stuffed him in the Joaquin Phoenix Actor Box. It's high time we redefined what crazy means. Being the same person your whole life? Now, THAT'S crazy.

"The people ask me, Joaquin, how do you spit / Your sophisticated rhymes with such a fucked up lip?"

I'm gonna be sincerely bummed if this is just Val Kilmer messing with our heads.







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Comments

cindy w

Ok, the Phoenix/kleenex rhyme made me snort my diet coke up my nose. Thanks, BHJ!

Liana

I love this post. Best ever about Joaquin Phoenix to date :)
Esp. the part about Val Kilmer.
And the rhymes interspersed through the second half.

Moo

Great post!

Tracy (Tiny Mantras)

Does this mean that Val Kilmer is also Tony Clifton? Will Joaquin Phoenix sample the Mighty Mouse theme song in his first recording? Pray tell.

mstiegirl

This is a truly fantastic post. I hope its for real as well.

jennifer

best post ever.

Accidental Housewife

You're going to be DISAPPOINTED if it turns out to be Val Kilmer??? That would make my effin' LIFE!

FM

So get this.. the Indian shedding a tear in those commercials wasn't an indigenous north american.. he was Italian...

.. and that's one to grow on.

:)

Holmes

Hell yeah. Take that Hollywood cash and make the dash, rhymes sicker than the lungs on Johnny Cash.




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