Why Toy Fair Is Evil

Okay, so I can't actually prove that Toy Fair - the annual exposition of demon paraphernalia toys that will be unleashed upon your unsuspecting children released to stores in the upcoming year - is one of the seven circles of hell, but I have my suspicions.

I mean, seriously: this could only come from the bowels of hell, right? RIGHT? >>>>

ELMO TICKLE HANDS. So that you can tickle - or be tickled - with giant red furry paw-hands that emit that terrible Elmo shriek. Which seriously: is there anything more terrifying?

Why, yes, since you asked: the one thing that is more terrifying than Elmo Tickle Hands is Elmo Tickle Hands with Dance Groove setting. So that you - or your tormentor - can do a psychotic little dance before unleashing a terrifying furrvert tickle assault.

I'm thinking that these must come from the fourth or fifth circles of Hell - at least - which means that Toy Fair is either Hell itself or - at best - its gates. Which, either way: NOT GOOD.

Where are all those inappropriately mature dolls - Bratz? Strawberry Shortcake? - when you need them? I'm thinking that those are marginally less terrifying. Less amenable to assault - or disturbing self-abuse - in any case.

GAH. I'm going to have nightmares tonight.

Source

Comments

[The Queen of Hyperbole]

Furry tickle hands? Surely, provided the shriek setting can be disabled, these are destined to find their way into some lonely person's bedside drawer.

[Jamie]

That is FREAKY! And I thought the Barbie heads you can preen were weird.

[Diane]

Tickle hands?! Gah. Sadly, my daughter would probably LOVE this. She has this whole thing about how mommy has a "tickle hand" and a "nice hand" and if I try to tickle her with the "nice hand" she gets all righteously indignant and tells me, "No, mommy! That's not the tickle hand, THAT is the NICE hand!" Two-and-a-half is the best age yet.

I now realize this did not require a 12-page personal anecdote, but damn it I typed it (one-handed! uphill both ways!) so 'Post' it is.

[Jennifer A]

Creepy, but may be the perfect gift for a couple kids I know who are obsessed with Elmo.
Look how well Elmo Live has done, I think these will be in the clearance section before too long.

[palinode]

Once it was a Tickle Me Elmo, now it's a Tickle You Elmo. Elmo has gone from first- to second-person tickling. Can a third-person omniscient tickling Elmo doll be far behind? Tickle All Elmo.

[jaelithe]

That is seriously, seriously, seriously, seriously wrong. Wrongity wrongly wrong wrongosity.

[michele]

completely creepy.