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American Idol Season 8 Operation Piss Off Gen X. All Of It.

Megan Joy American Idol Top 9 eliminated Last week on Idol, Megan Joy went home.  Her bio on the AI site quotes her as saying that what she thought made a great performer was passion.  I'd say that, and not looking like a thrift store jewelry case.  Oh, and talent.

This week on Idol, Paula is wearing a strapless dress for the third week in a row and her back is pouring out of the top of her dress for the third week in a row.  It's all I can look at. And those crazy kids are performing songs from the year they were born. 

This should be oodles of fun.

Danny Gokey was born in 1980, making him the oldest contestant on the show, but still not old enough for me to get all up on.  I have a three year window, either way.  Three years old than me and I very well could be banging my older brother than I've never met, and I'm just not willing to take that chance.  Three years younger than me and I may end up banging my little brother.  Who I don't exactly know.  So I'm not willing to take that chance, either.

Kris Allen was born in 1985 which makes him 23 right now.  I was married with one kid and one on the way by 23. This does not help our relationship.  The boy doesn't look old enough to have a paper route, let alone sound like Jason Mraz on national tv.  He sang All She Wants To Do Is Dance, and the judges didn't much like it, but normally all she wants to do is change the fucking station. Don Henley is loving Kris Allen right now, and I'm warming up to him even if I have more facial hair than he does.

The previous statement is not entirely true aside: Do you know that if you go to the salon and ask for the $30 Whole Face Wax, that they don't just do your eyebrows, lip and chin?  Oh no, they smear piping hot wax on your face from your forehead to your collarbone.  And they mumble things like, "You've never been waxed before, have you?" and "Are you Italian?" and "You sure do have a lot of hair on your face" as they rip wax and hair off of your cheeks and your jawbone.  And then you have to walk through the mall to your car looking like you've got a raging case of Fifth's Disease.  But at least you have less facial hair than Kris Allen for once in your life.

Lil Rounds was born in 1984, which totally explains why she takes her fashion tips from Joan Jett. She sang Joe Cocker's What's Love Got To Do With It and was meh.  Just like she is every week.  And the judges told her so.  Just like they do every week.  And she promised to listen to their advice and do better next week.  Just like she does every week.  We hate ourselves for loving you, Lil.  We just can't break free of the things that you do.

You can't prove me wrong aside: Joe Cocker is totally a figment of Tina Turner's insomnia-induced imagination. They make soap and kill Meatloaf and screw Helena Bonham Carter together.  It's pretty epic, even if the whole thing is just a filler to warm the public up until they she are is ready to unleash supermodels who blow their own faces off.

Allison Irehetta Top 9 Anoop, there it is!  Lemme hear you say Anoop, there it is Desai got a little snippy with Kara last week and felt this week like he'd jeopardized his "image." This, of course, means he still doesn't realize that once you're filmed begging Van Wilder to help you eat at just one American pink taco stand, you can never re-create yourself.  Kind of like if you get filmed banging a pie.  Just sayin'.  He sang True Colors by Cyndi Lauper which came out in 1986, just like he did.  I suppose he was making some statement about who the "real Anoop" is but I don't even care who the real Slim Shady is so maybe he should have skipped the Eddie Haskel green button-down blazer and gone instead with Allison's outfit from last week.  I just know he's got the legs for it.

 Troubles and Tribble-ations  For the record aside:  The trouble with tribbles isn't their cuteness or their cuddleability, it's that if you don't watch them very carefully, they'll breed all over everything and soon they'll be unstoppable.  Someone should warn the producers of AI.  Those two on Anoop's face seem to be getting really cozy.

Scott MacIntyre says he "punked" Survivor's The Search Is Over by strumming an electric guitar once, with feeling.  I can't wait for next week when he countries Ghetto Bastard by signing it on a horse.  Or the week after that when he hip-hops Amazing Grace by wearing a really big watch around his neck.

Allison Irehetta was born in 19*vomit*92 which means I am officially old enough to be her mother with *cough* ample years to spare.  This is really unfortunate for her because there is no way I'm letting her out of the house looking that.  She can't make me love her if I don't, and I don't.  She totally reminds me (and Randy) of Kelly Clarkson in the voice, just not the personality.  Simon doesn't find her likable either, and he told her as much. She replied, "Why should I listen to you, anyway? You're a virgin who can't drive."  And then he said, "That was way harsh, Tai."

Matt Giraud was also born in 1985 which is two years after the first time I'd slit my wrists.  He sang Stevie Wonder's Part Time Lover approximately 5 seconds before the last time I did.  Come on; Stevie Wonder hates that song.  Oddly enough, the judges loved it.  Simon was even all, "Dude, whatever." which in Simonese means WHAHAAHAHAHHAHAA!.  Which is precisely what Kara said and you know?  I'm just not comfortable with her showing signs of life.  It makes me edgy.

Not that I know from personal experience or anything aside: Paula may be way more annoying than Kara but I bet you ten bucks to a donut she's a thousand times better in the sack.  All the bat-shit girls are.

Adam Lambert was born in 1982 and he started dressing in drag around 1986.  Foreshadowing much?  Before the show tonight he flooded his high school, studied time travel and burned Patrick Swayze's house to the ground.  Then he went to a movie theater where a weird rabbit thing told him to take off his human skin and then he stepped through a time portal and onto the American Idol stage.  He sang Mad World and Simon gave him a well-deserved standing ovation. Since there's no way in hell that would happen in reality, I'm guessing the whole show tonight was one elaborate hallucination.  I'm also guessing that a jet engine is going to crash onto that stage before morning.







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Comments

steff

nice. i love me some good fight club, clueless AND donnie darko references in the same post. keep on doin whatcha do lady.

MP

Thank you! I'm old enough to bilogically be everyone except for Danny's mother.. I threw up a little. My rules though aren't as strict as yours, except I'm married...and the vows trump everything..but that's a whole other story.

ljpock

Love the Donnie Darko reference as I can't hear that song without instantly thinking of that movie.

Mr Lady

There are only so many occasions in life when one could combine those three and not end up institutionalized.

Mr Lady

Yeah, there's that, too....

Mr Lady

As it should be.

Sizzle

My dvr cut off before Adam sang so I have yet to see this ovation-worthy performance.

And now all I will be able to see is Alicia Silverstone from Clueless when I look at Allison. Thanks for that.

Joie at Canned Laughter

This review is far too kind. Were you getting lucky right before writing this? While writing this? I got lucky, but I'm still a crabby old broad like always. You didn't want to know that.

Should I tell you instead that Lil's Tina Turner impression was an exact re-creation of a performance I saw by a drag queen with breast implants and a whip act named Tina Turnaround? Wait. You didn't want to know that either. I'll shut up now.

BaltimoreGal

I don't watch AI on principle but caught the last song while waiting for Fringe and I have to say that was a killer version of Mad World- and I am old enough to remember the Tears For Fears version. No clue about the rest of them but I honestly feel that solely based on that performance, that kid should win.




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