American Idol Season 8: Ratz Travel In Packs. Brats Sing In Them.

Last week on Idol, the pressure finally got to Anoop Desai and after he went missing from a few rehearsals, the token lesbian and the guy who touched Tupak once went to his apartment and found him dead in a pool of his own blood.  This week on Idol, my kids are still up.  Because it's 8pm and April and at 8 pm in April it is still fairly sunny out in that way that you know you've lingered entirely too long after the garden party but you haven't quite stayed long enough to interrupt the host and hostess's drunk-off-the-melted-frozen-margarita-leftovers sex.  I dare tell my kids to go to bed with that much sun in the sky, and they find creative new ways to tell me to piss off.

So this isn't guaranteed to make so much as a lick of sense.  Like it ever does.

*Breaking news flash!*  Reports are rolling in that Paula Abdul was involved in a hit and run accident on her way to the Fox Theater earlier this afternoon.  Reports indicate that during her commute from LaLa Land to the Fox Theater in Hollywood, when Ms. Adbul's tricycle failed to yield at a school bus crossing in Townsville, USA she ran dead smack into Blossom Puff.  Blossom' was last spotted splattered all over the front of Paula's dress.  

Tonight we have a mentor, and it's none other than Ray Charles!  Oh, no, it's just Jaime Fox. Who was better at being Ray than Ray was, I swear to god.  They (being our evil American Idol overlords) have gone to great lengths to ensure we all know that Jaime Fox is actually qualified to be a mentor on anything more than a lip-syncing competition by pointing out that he's not just an academy award winning actor, but that he's clawed his way through network tv, major films and even the top 40 to stand where he's standing tonight.  Which is all a bit reminiscent of another successful hip-hop singing, sitcom-acting, movie-making heart-throb who just so happens to be from my hometown; Mr Will Smith.  The big difference?  One of them is tapping this:

I'm pretty sure his parents understand that.  And now, on with the show....

Anthony Michael Hall takes the stage first, and The Way He Looks Tonight can be summed up in one word: Molestache.  

Jaime says something about how American Idol isn't the Throat Olympics, and Paula realizes that she's been going about her entire Idol career the wrong way.  

Oopsie Daisy aside: I realized just now that Lil Rounds isn't on the show tonight, and that means that she got sent home at some point and that means that somewhere along the line, I've skipped an entire episode of American Idol.  Which means I'm probably about to lose the only respectable job I've ever had.  

Ally Sheedy sings Someone To Watch Over Me wearing more makeup in one performance that I have in the two decades I have on her.  What we learned from her performance is that in life, there are some things you just have to be old enough to appreciate, like blending.  Or jazz.  She just doesn't get it, although she sings it really, really well. 

Other things people just don't seem to get aside: The reason that Sun is in 2007 and the rest of the the gang are in 1977 is that everyone everyone else followed the rules.  They brought everyone back.  Sayid even managed to bring a stunt double equally as annoying as Ana Lucia was, which even the island was like, "Dude, whatever.  That one we're happy to be rid of."  Sun, however, left her kid behind.  And so the island punished her by ditching her with Ben.  Who is stuck in 2007 to be John's bitch.  Who is stuck in 2007 to fulfill his destiny.  Which is to be creepy.  And kind of hot.

Back to Allison...Paula apparently had a stoke after the accident and the right side of here face is all droopy as she tells Allison that she is a god or something.  Simon tells her is was Meh, and I'm glad to know that eight seasons in, Simon is still always right.

Emilio Estivez studied Jazz in college and so is confident that he will rock the house tonight, singing My Funny Valentine.  Just like I studied aviation in high school and went so far as to fly a dozen or so planes, and so I'm really confident that I could fly you just about anywhere if I absolutely had to, but I wouldn't count on us landing in anything less than four screaming, burning and shockingly separate pieces.  And I wouldn't ever try, especially not on camera.  Learn from me, Matt.

I say this as I wear the same sweats I've been in for three days and a scrunchie in my hair aside: When did the art of a suit die?  Who told this generation that any old thing you slap together from your dad's Rubbermaid tub in the attic with a bit of Salvation Army thrown in there to freshen it up constitutes a suit?  Denim pants with dark blue jackets with light blue button down shirts with fire engine red ties with brown hats do NOT a suit make.

The only thing harder than looking at Matt tonight was listening to him.  Simon tells him that he was the best performer of the night, and I'm glad to know that eight years later, Simon is still an overpaid moron.

I am going to love Rob Lowe Come Rain or Come Shine, but I really wish he hadn't sang it.  If he was a balding alcoholic banging a prostitute while drinking himself to death, maybe I could have believed it.  As it is, he really should have picked something less, well, grueling.  That's a hard song to sing and you end up making your "tough" face when you sing it, especially if you get crazy with the cheese whiz at the end like he did, and everyone knows that your "tough" face is the same as your "sex" face.  Unfortunately for Danny, we all now know that his "tough" face looks like a "poop" face.

THAT man, however, can wear a suit like a motherfucker.  Throw a bag over his head and I could make it work.  

Judd Nelson is Feeling Good, and rightfully so.  He's got his balls tucked so far up his butt-crack, he's got to be seeing god right about now.  He's got his Zoot Suit Riot look going on, and he's so in the zone that he doesn't even flinch when he spits all over the stage, the mic, Paula and everything on his first "Fffffffeeling."  In all fairness, he was a bit busy trying keep all his junk in his trunk, and Paula's used to it.

I can't believe I'm about to say this aside: Okay, that man?  Could sing the dictionary. 

And now, for my predictions:

This whole thing is going to come down to Kris and Adam.  Because the rest of them are good fine people, they're fine upstanding Americans, but they're content to sit back and watch a little Mork and Mindy on channel 57, and kick back with a cool Coors 16 ouncer, but they don't know what the queers are doing to the soil.  And the thing is, Adam is leagues ahead of Kris in maturity, in confidence and in talent, so he should win.  He won't because every mother in America is going to dial in and vote for Kris to win because they're really afraid that Adam will be the next Idol and therefore their daughter's next One True Love.  They're going to flash back to Robert Smith and panic because dear god, drug addicts with black eyeliner and really terrible taste in clothes cannot be the object of their baby girl's affection.  The best part?  They'll forget that The Cure ended with Friday I'm In Love and that The Partridge Family ended with, well, Danny Bonaduce. 

In two months, I'm guessing that Alison will be the next Disney I Hate My Mother Princess.  Adam will bring Frankenfurter back. Matt will finish growing in his teeth.  Danny will get so laid.  And Kris will be blaring from my kids room for years to come, just like that bastard Daughtry is now.

Comments

[Jen.]

"but they don't know what the queers are doing to the soil"

Yeah, and the voters will be looking for burrow owls in the trees right after they text their votes.

Brilliant.

[Mr Lady]

Jen, if loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

[Raven]

"Matt will finish growing in his teeth."

Oh, my aching sides.

I get excited about American Idol every week... not so much for the show itself, but rather so I can read your take on it.

By the way, my husband said Paula's dress looked like a red gift bag with red tissue paper poking out of the top.

[mp]

"In two months, I'm guessing that Alison will be the next Disney I Hate My Mother Princess. Adam will bring Frankenfurter back. Matt will finish growing in his teeth. Danny will get so laid. And Kris will be blaring from my kids room for years to come, just like that bastard Daughtry is now."
I did pee a little

[Jen.]

My arms are open with pamphlets from Pueblo, CO, awaiting you, Mr. Lady... you'll find me in the trailer park...

[Matt]

No Molly Ringwald? You disappoint.
Said the same thing about Allison to the wife last night. Not ALL songs are meant to be belted out...read the lyrics, you know?
Do you really fly planes?

[Mr Lady]

You know what, Jen? I like you. You're not like the other people here in the trailer park.

[Mr Lady]

The original report on the wire had mentioned something about a run in with Santa's sleigh, but upon further investigation, it was discovered to be poor, helpless Blossom. *le'sigh* :)

[Mr Lady]

I am sorry.

[Mr Lady]

Molly, molly molly. All you ever talk about is Molly.

DID is the operative word here. As in, past tense. As in, if i ever DO, you better duck.

[sizzle]

You're killing me with the funny.

"The best part? They'll forget that The Cure ended with Friday I'm In Love and that The Partridge Family ended with, well, Danny Bonaduce."

HA HA HA!

[shine]

I'm guessing this would make more sense if I actually watched American Idol. But I like it so much better this way.

Here's to hopin' that one kid gets laid...whatever his name is.

[Monica]

Your AI recaps have become the highlight of my MamaPop week. Danny Donaduce.....*shudder*

[punk rock mom]

seriously "crazy with the cheez whiz?" lets move to a state where it is legal and MARRY ME!

[Bob Devine]

AS a guy that was a fan of the Rat Pack when younger you know how old I might be. I do not do Idol and only tuned in last night because my grandson told me about the theme. When it comes to that kind of music none of them should quit their day jobs. One more thing. Could you make your text larger? I am no longer 18 and my nose draging across the monitor while reading all that is a pain to clean.

[Mr Lady]

It's funny because it's TRUE.

[Mr Lady]

The sad thing is? It probably wouldn't. :)

[Mr Lady]

You have such sweet pillow-talk, dude.

[Mr Lady]

It took CHEESE WHIZ? Man, I'd have pulled that one out years ago if I only knew....

[Mr Lady]

Bob, you are absolutely correct. About the singers. I can't do a lick about the fonts.

[Bob Devine]

How about that I learned something new. I called it text and someone that knows about computers let me know its called fonts. Thanks.

[Lee of MWOB]

Always a day late and dollar short. But here I am. Laughing and needing it as always.

"I could throw a bag over his head and make it work..."

That had me cracking up. Yep, as long as you don't have to look at his "poop/tough/sex" face.

But yep, someone will. And soon.

Stellar work as always and I hope you're pulling in some serious cash from this gig. :-)

[Cheer Mom]

"..every mother in America is going to dial in and vote for Kris to win because they're really afraid that Adam will be the next Idol and therefore their daughter's next One True Love".

Wrong, I will not vote for Adam simply because he belongs on Broadway or saving small town America with Patrick Swayze in "To Wong Foo". He's the Taylor Hicks of Season 8. America loves the unique and strange, but we also love tabloids too. Bottom line: he won't sell albums. Kris will.

[Caroline]

I beg to differ with you, Madame...it'll be Danny and Adam in the final.. Adam wins; Danny still gets a recording contract with someone and replaces Daughtry as the artist your kids keep playing ad nauseum. Allison is offered the lead in a pilot for Fox about teenagers who form a garage band in south-central L.A.; and Kris simply goes on tour with the rest of the Idolettes.

Even if Adam doesn't win, he'll be employed for the rest of his life, whether it's in revivals of "Wicked" or future film installments of "Twilight". If he continues to channel Jimmy Page while in Vegas mode, he might headline in Sin City for a while, but even a film version of "The Munsters" might land him the role of Eddie.

[Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy]

Kris Allen reminds of the classic guy that everyone knows. You know, the one that is really nice and not ugly, but just a SUPER DOUCHEBAG. If he wins AI, I think I'll stop watching. (Which is a total lie, because if I didn't quit watching after Taylor Hicks won, I'll probablly keep on keepin' on.)

[Cuz_I'm_The_Mom]

Mr. Lady, would you like to be my Sister-Wife?
If so, it's your turn to Windex the monitor.

[Cuz_I'm_The_Mom]

WTH??? No apostrophes are allowed in MamaPop Land?

[April McCaffery]

I really really missed your AI recaps.