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Billy Bob Thornton, Joaquin Phoenix, Bob Dylan, And The Thwarted Interview Process

Billy_bob_thornton INTERVIEWER: So Black Hockey Jesus, MamaPop staffer, Catherine, recently wrote an article about Billy Bob Thornton that included an embedded video of a very difficult interview he recently gave - an interview in which he described Canadian audiences as "mashed potatoes without gravy". Since that interview, his band, The Boxmasters, have been heckled by Canadian audiences and even cancelled the last 2 dates of their Canadian tour. What are your thoughts?

BLACK HOCKEY JESUS: I have no idea what you're talking about.

INTERVIEWER: You didn't hear about Billy Bob Thornton's interview? Or the subsequent cancellation of the Canadian tour dates?

BHJ: Yes. Yes I did.

INTERVIEWER: Well. Um. What do you think about them?

BHJ: I'm utterly confused by the question. You use the word "them" as if the denotation was precise and clear and easily discernible, but you could be asking about my thoughts about any number of entities represented by the scope of that word. What do you want from me, man? What do I think of Canada? I don't know. I don't walk around and live in the midst of thoughts about Canada. Fuck Canada. They pour gravy all over french fries. It's cold. What bearing should Canada have on me? Does Canada even have any weapons of mass destruction? Do they need any? I haven't read about any terrorist organizations with major plots to bring Canada to its knees. Who cares about Canada? Are you trying to raise my blood pressure and make you punch me you in the neck?

INTERVIEWER: No. Please don't punch me in the neck. Your Canadian hostility. It surprises me. Don't you work with a handful of Canadians at MamaPop?

BHJ: Oh that's not hostility, dude. One time my brother was in a blackout and he pissed on my stereo. That made me hostile. But these Canadians. I just don't get the gravy on the fries and the Nickelback and the unicorns. Did you know unicorns are Canadian? Talk about stupid mythical creatures. It's just a horse with a spike in its head. Would you ask Tom Petty about Canada, you smug motherfucker?

INTERVIEWER: No, I wouldn't ask Tom Petty about Canada. In fact, I didn't really ask you about Canada. What I really wanted to know was what you thought about the Billy Bob Thornton interview.

BHJ: My favorite nut is hands down the pistachio. And my favorite pie is pecan pie. This leads to the inevitable conclusion that a pistachio pie would be equivalent to various religious interpretations of ultimate liberation such as Heaven, Nirvana, Moksha, and nailing tons of virgins in paradise.

INTERVIEWER: But. What does this have to do with Billy Bob Thornton?

BHJ: It has everything to do with Billy Bob Thornton because it's obvious that pistachio pie is just another name for Angelina Jolie. Billy Bob was all hooked up with Angelina back when she was Dirty Slutty Fuck Me In The Back Of A Limo Angelina Jolie, which justifies his transition from acting to music. Brad Pitt got stuck with Humanitarian Save The World Angelina Jolie, which pretty much negates any possible crossover for Brad Pitt in terms of his potential for becoming a soulful musician.

INTERVIEWER: Your fanciful flights of twisted logic seem to indicate, and this is what people are suspecting about Billy Bob Thornton and Joaquin Phoenix, the use of mind altering substances that make your answers opaque and incomprehnsible.

BHJ: Dude I've done a few drugs and let me set you straight. Drugs don't make you completely stupid. All me & Billy Bob & Joaquin are trying to do is consciously confound the interview process with the hope of shedding light on the fundamental absurdity of the interview as such. This is practically its own genre in the realm of giving interviews. It's been around for a long time. As far as I can tell, it originated with Bob Dylan, a virtual master of the form. Check this out.

BHJ: See? Dylan was resistant to answering the interviewer's questions because the questions were designed to elicit simplistic responses from him with the sole aim of creating an easily consumed image that the public could digest like a 30 minute television program. And that's not what artists do. That's what journalists do. Watch him go to work on this guy. You could write a doctoral dissertation based on the content of Dylan's upbraiding alone.

BHJ: And finally there's this gem. I love the way Dylan turns the tables on this guy. He questions the questions and attempts to force insights upon the questioner. You can look at this like he's just being a dick or you can see someone who refuses to answer questions because he can't relate to the fundamental assumptions that generate the questions. The clash occurs between one person's desire for quick fix answers and simplicity colliding with a sincere respect for complexity and good fucking questions.

INTERVIEWER: But Black Hockey Jesus, certainly you're not classing Billy Bob Thornton & Joaquin Phoenix with the likes of Bob Dylan.

BHJ: I don't know what I'm doing, man. Do you know what you're doing? No. Don't answer that. Forget worrying about what you're doing because that implies you even know what you are. Do you even know what you are?

INTERVIEWER: Of course I know what I am. I'm a man. I'm an interviewer.

BHJ: Oh look at you, so sincere and sure that you know what you are. Well I got news for you buddy. You're not even real. You're just a figment of my imagination. No one wants to interview me for real. It's not like I'm Billy Bob Thornton or some shit. I just invented you to create a fictional interview format so I could express a few ideas with emphasis on this one: I'm glad that Billy Bob and Joaquin are fucking with people and making things complicated. I'm glad they're high and irrational and injecting the scene with a bunch of nonsense. Confound on. Confound on. If we truly want everyone to tolerate diversity and be all equal and shit, a huge part of that entails opening the door to let in the crazy. I'm looking for someone to sell my dog, collect my clip, buy my animal, and straighten out my bird.







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Comments

Steph

One word. Genius!

Chris

I love a lot of Bob Dylan's music, and I appreciate his ability to keep himself from being defined (sort of), which is really a marketing effort and has probably helped sustain his career to some extent. But this quasi-intellectual (see how many philosophy books I've read) gets a little tiresome after a while. But I still enjoy it in short bursts. He does actually try to SAY something, which I admire.

BHJ

These clips are from the 60s and Dylan's in his young 20s, a difficult time to exercise restraint, especially when you're a fucking genius. But he grows out of it quickly and limits his quasiness to the music.

bd

BHJ, That was bloody awesome.

LovelyLayla

Listen BHJ,

I don't think you quite understand what these actors....err....artists....have been through in their life. I mean, it's difficult to be in show buisness. (Especially when your name is Billy Bob.)All that money, Oscar nods, fame, having sex in the back of limos with Angelina Jolie, oh, and the ability to use that money to venture into a singing career. Show a little sensitivity. Billy Bob has had a rough life, you know? And Canadia just doesn't get it. The next time you choose to criticize Billy Bob or Joaquin or whomever, think about taking a walk in their shoes. But only their singing shoes not their acting shoes....
Geez.
Pssssh.

Ken

I think the Billy Bob and Joaquin interviews of late are awesome--at the very least they're far more entertaining than most interviews. However, there is a huge difference between their interviews which come off as just being difficult for difficult's sake and Bob Dylan who was being totally ironic and consciously trying to turn the interview process on it's head for a purpose. I would love to see my all time favorite interviewer Terry Gross from Fresh Air take on 20 year old Dylan.

nicole_keewatin

Bob Dylan actually made music, YOU GOT to have SOMETHING, THIER is A REASON WHY SO MANY PEOPLE Paid ATTENTION AFTER, NO MATTER WHERE THEY WERE FROM, Joaquin having rap, someone cut the cord and they should have only held the bag after, instead of him! They have no business to say their Dylan, look at this way there’s no story, no passion. And for example if all else, this, Britney Spears is a top ass, and I don’t listen to her music/ and She has a better promotion to her, you have to give her credit at least for her work, no matter what shoves inside herself or what she shoves back onto anyone else, it’s real sh-t moving, she’s got that in her from a great energy that never stops all night and all day long, and I still don’t like her music or even the type of men she picks, yuck! But she doesn’t have to do silly interviews to try and be someone else, that’s my point, she’s all genuine and really has good things for everyone else regardless, no matter what anyone else says, and most of all she has way more money, I’m sure, this princess and maverick talent can be the judge and do’er of anything she surveys, a universal truth to life and all the time, for every day she lives, she’s better and she did not have to be saying herself to be like Bob Dylan, in the first place, YOU can’t stop what start’s people to follow like mad sheep, some people really got the horn and don’t need others to speak for them at all. This is what Dylan defied at one time for mad, hungry, dirty eyes, everywhere, in bed or in card board boxes, it was an old thread that really hit inside veins, no contest, on contestants, true words and music, do they really got that, I haven’t heard it yet!

BaltimoreGal

A lotta different opinions out thier!
{Ducks}

nomad

Billy Bob, do you really think you're too cool for school? i think not. I mean, c'mon, your name is "Billy Bob" ...




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