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American Idol Season 8 Episode 300

Last week on Idol, Alison Irehetta got sent home.  And I'm glad.  Because she's 16, and being 16 and a pop star just doesn't work out well for anyone.

Britney Spears

I don't know who was more traumatized...her, or us.  Either way, at least we learned last week that America can learn from it's mistakes.

The thing with the beast that Idol has become is that makes us feel better about ourselves, in much the same was porn does.  It gives us reason to be more confident in the choices we've made in life, and more conscientious about the sorts of faces we're willing to make in mixed company.  Idol gives us a small window of opportunity in which to feel superior, even though most of us couldn't carry a tune in *this* bag.  But at this point in the show, once we're down to the final three, it stops being something silly and mockable and starts being a serious, hardcore competition.  And so we embark tonight, AI's 300th episode, on an eight day siege of America's hearts and minds, a battle of good against evil, of endurance in the face of crushing odds, an epic saga the likes of which the world hasn't seen since the Spartans faced the Persians and fought to the pain.

American Idol 300

American Idol 300.  Brace thyselves.

Before We Even Get To The Sides Aside: We're giving away a buttload of tickets to the Idols Live Tour.  Go on, you know you want to.

Paula gets Gokey wid'it.  She chose a Terrance Trent D'arby song for him which means she actually has some taste.  She, however, wears the left side of Claire's, which means she has less than I'd originally thought but good news!  It appears she's stopped eating entirely and so maybe we've lost crack-Paula but we're going to gain tweaky-malnourished Paula instead!  WOOT!  Unfortunately, not only did Paula choose a good artist, but she chose the exact song Danny should have been singing all along, which means I just said something nice about Paula so you'd better not drive down the highway because a whole bunch of cars are going to become unmanned as their drivers are raptured.

Or so their bumper stickers tell me.

Focus On Your Own Damn Insecurites Aside: Kara criticizes Danny's attempt at dancing and Paula gets all, "Oh yeah, well I'm a horny overrated drug addict choreographer and I think he did well."  And then she says, "Bring it" and Kara said, "Oh, it's been brough-en." 

Randy and Kara pick Apologize by One Republic for Kris Allen, and I want to punch them in the face.  Because I hate it?  No.  Because much like cigarettes and masturbating, the more I do it, the more I like it.  And thanks to Kidz Bop, I do a LOT of Apologize and suddenly I find myself thinking it's the best thing since Vicks Vapor Rub and those $15 Crest Spin Brushes.

Uncomfortable Silence Aside: Don't ask.

Kris, for the first time, does not put his mark on a song.  He just sings it.  Because there is nothing you can do with that mindless, Radiohead wannabe song.  I always had a feeling that Kara wanted to fuck Kris, but I never would have guessed that Randy was into that sort of thing.  Simon jumps down both Randy and Kara's throats for picking such a lousy song for Kris, and Kara gets up off her seat, leans over, and throws her resume in his face, shoves a knife into him and shouts, "This will not be over quickly!  You will not enjoy this! I am not your Queen!"

That May Have Even Been To Vague For Me Aside: It's a line from 300.  I'm trying to stick to a theme here.

Simon asks Adam Lambert to sing One Love by U2 and I wonder how many of those ridiculously fancy Dyson hand dryers they had to hold his heart under to thaw it enough to love anything.  But, apparently, he loves One Love.  Adam sings it just like that guy sang Mad World and Simon has one more thing to stroke his big, hard ego with, what with the good song choice and all.  He leans over, shoves it in Kara's mouth and says, "Suck on THAT, bitch."  Menwhile, I sit here, quietly singing to myself..."I'm bringing Darko Back (yeah) those other bunnies don't know how to act (yeah)."  And I'm sure that we haven't seen the last of Adam yet.

Important Idol Gives Back Update Aside: Carrie Underwood looks pretty all the time.

Danny Gokey chooses You Are So Beautiful and Paula's seat cushion is going to need to be replaced.  And I'm suddenly wishing that I'd gone for the tubal instead of making my husband get that vasectomy last week, because I am pretty sure that performance knocked me right the fuck up.  I'll name him Billy Ray and he'll be a preacher's son, and if I'm really lucky he'll marry a prostitute and get nailed to something and then Tom Hanks will make a movie about my divinity someday.

I Can't Let It Go Aside: No one should wear bright blue glasses.  Elton John looks like an asshat in bright blue glasses.  Randy, use Simon's leftover wardrobe budget and get a stylist already.  You're pretty much skating by on your looks now, dawg, and in case you didn't notice, there's a new girl gunning for your job with great bangs.

Kris Allen goes with Heartless by Kanye West and returns to his former making-average-pop-songs-unrecognizably-better self.  And is brilliant.  It's no small feat to make a rap song good better, and it's damn near impossible to out-do over-privileged stuffy white boys with large budgets and golf carts, but Kris in one 3 minute segment did just that.  And then the phone rang and Dynamite Hack was on the other line all, "The boys in the hood are always hard!  Come talking that trash n' we'll pull your card!," in harmony, and then Kris threw a right cross and knocked their old asses out.

Adam Lambert takes on Cryin' by Aerosmith.  And probably just lost.  It appears that Adam finally got too big for his skinny Gap britches.  Kara loves it, but that's just because she thinks Adam finally took her advice about singing early Aerosmith.  And I feel pretty damn good about the fact that she dropped $150 grand on an education that I got with a $1.50 radio and Dick Clark's Top 40.

Audience Participation Aside: At BlogHer 09, I'm getting a tattoo.  It's either going to be a Weezer tramp stamp or and Aerosmith tramp stamp.  Do I go Be Cool Uma Thurmon or Anti-Trust Rachael Leigh Cook?  Your choice.

And now for my predictions: It doesn't matter.  Not who goes home this week, and not who wins next week.  Because if history has proven anything to us, it's that the mighty can fall and still win in the end. That sometimes the world needs a martyr.  That, on rare occasion, the best man doesn't always win, but that time balances it all out.  That though the enemy may outnumber us a paltry three to one, this day we rescue a world from mysticism and tyranny and usher in a future brighter than anything we can imagine.  I mean, really.

Ruben studdard Who's got two thumbs and beat Clay Aiken?  THIS GUY.  Good sandwich, lousy Idol. 







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Comments

Renee

I'm going to miss your recaps. You could recap the alphabet.

Joie

OK seriously? Your recaps are the only reason I find the courage to carry on in the face of adversity and Simon's 300 tee-shirts. I can feel the withdrawl shakes coming on now.

Mr Lady

*snort*

Best comment ever. :)

Mr Lady

Me, too, baby. Me, too.

shine

I will never watch this show (at least...not since season 1. I was young and stupid, okay?), but I will always read your recaps.

Maybe they should hire you over at AI to make things a little more interesting? I vote you instead of Ryan Seacrest.

Mr Lady

I don't look as good in a suit. But I can get my bangs WAY higher than he can, so there's that. :)

Julie

During the show, I find myself playing WWMLS "What will MrLady say"

Tell me you'll move on to recap America's Got Talent??

Momo Fali

I am all about using brough-en now. All the time.

I can't wait for this season to be over. I can't decide what disgusts me more...Adam's over-the-top, "I'm constipated" screaming, or Kara blowing him for it.

Mr Lady

That is a brilliant idea. I'm looking into it nowish. :)

Mr Lady

Please say you stick out your hip and do a triple snap in z formation.

Ms. Maxwell

Aerosmith for the tramp stamp. Plus it goes with Mr. Lady better than Weezer.

Kara

Three, no, four things:
1. Your recaps are better than the show, which I watch slavishly, because I can't help myself

2. 'One Love' is a Bob Marley song. 'One' is a stirring, beautiful anthem by U2 that was recently butchered by a screechy emo kid on Idol.

3. Cryin' was released in 1993, some 20 years after Aerosmith's first major label release- hardly counts as "early."

4. You didn't comment on the Seacrest/ Lambert 'just us girls' chat about Lambert covering Cher and Queen? They totally made out after that, I know these things.

Kara

P.S. Do you know what Wikipedia just told me? The dude who stole Alicia Silverstone's purse in the video for Cryin' is dreamy Josh Holloway of Lost. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HD3Sqlcm3o

matt

Who can write a post that leaves me baffled for about 68% of it? THAT GUY!
Awesome, as usual. :)




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