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Ear Slugs and Whales Not Welcome

StarTrek_2009Movie I saw JJ Abrams on Jimmy Kimmel a few nights ago, being all short and dork-glassy and cultivating the mad scientist look as he promoted his new movie, Star Trek, which comes out May 8th, and if you've never heard of it it's about space and shooting things, and is his re-imagining (*shudder*) of the classic TV series and looks very actiony with the phasers and the exploding spaceships and the funny ears and the tattoos and giant monster bugs and the sky-diving, and so far all the reviews have been positive and I guess those people who like it have a magic time-machine devices or something that lets them watch movies from the future, and what do you mean "pre-screened for critics"? How come I'm not on that list? Is is because I'm too handsome? I think that might be why. Oh also because I don't review anything ever but just talk about it a bunch. That's what makes me the best kind of critic. I'm like that adorable orphan who lives on the streets and maybe she's a little rough around the edges and mildly schizophrenic and when you approach her she tries to bite you, but she's still a lovable waif from a distance and I really have no idea where I'm going with this analogy except hey look! Spock still has pointy ears. Rock on!

Of course if the movie is good there is only one metric it must hold it's own against. You know what I'm talking about. It's out there ...the champion... waiting for this new challenger to lift the rope and take its spot in its corner, arms splayed against the turnbuckles...waiting for the contest to begin. The bell rings and now Abram's movie, with all it's cute, elfin characters has to have a steel-cage wrestling match with the be-all end-all of space operas.

The Wrath of Motherfuckin' Khan, Yo.

Every Star Trek movie is in deep crap from the get-go because Wrath of Khan is out there. With it's killer ear slugs and Genesis Devices and Ricardo Montalban with no shirt on and it's acting that is so over the top that it comes back around to being good, and illegitimate children for Captain Kirk in the lispy and very permed David, and the hunt through the space clouds and suddenly the Enterprise is BEHIND the bad guys and then Pew! Pew! Pew! and then Spock is dying and I'm effing crying at a Star Trek movie and then Scotti plays Amazing Grace on the bagpipes and they shoot the coffin onto the new planet and POW! Best Sci-fi movie ever maybe. And I'm even counting the crazy whale-ass-ed Star Trek IV, which was awesome for a bunch of other reasons.

So Abrams has a big barrel of pickles and not enough dill probably, ands while I'm not 100% sure what that even means I know he seemed resolute during the Kimmel interview to not be subservient to the radicalized hordes of frothy Trek geeks who, if the movie sucks, would hunt him down and cut off his head with a bat'leth, which is a crazy Klingon sword or something, and the only reason I knew about it was because some jack hole tried to rob a convenience store with one a while back and for whatever reason my brain tucked it away, probably discarding 5th grade in the process, because knowing that the Klingon sword is called a Bat'leth is way more important than being able to write in cursive or knowing all the 50 states. Any way,  Abrams said he had taken a lot of feedback from Trekkies into consideration when making the film but ultimately wanted to make a good action movie without incredible rigor to the existing Star Trek canon. And then he said "Fuck those dweebs any way." and then he mooned the audience and did a kind of weird ass-slapping gallop-around-the-stage-like-a-cowboy dance. 

Not really. That was a lie.

But that would have been awesome.

One thing the movie is sure to have lots of is "running around" because this IS the guy who invented Lost and Cloverfield we're talking about here. Nobody ever just sits around in his films. Everyone has to be looking for something desperately, all the time, no matter what, even if it doesn't make any sense, because apparently he thinks people are like sharks and need to always be moving or else we suffocate and I don't know if that's even true about sharks so don't get all animal facty on me if I'm wrong. Just give me a break. What am I supposed to do? Look into it? I'm not your Jacques Cousteau. So they'll be running around in space and sky-diving through atmospheres and racing muscle cars off cliffs almost the whole time and things will explode and Harold from "Harold and Kumar" is in it and so is Simon Pegg from Shaun of the Dead so they at least have some actors who aren't going to be slave-chained to these roles forever if they want to make sequels, and yes I'm looking at you Kid Who Plays Spock. Watch out pal...you could end up on the convention circuit in the next few years if you aren't careful.

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~Infinity Cocks~

Now I'll be forced to see it, just so I'll know what you're talking later. I hope it sucks, sucky movies are always fun to trash.


It's a good cast. And I have high hopes. I love Star Trek.

But why do they always make the aliens mouths look like buttholes with teeth? This is a serious question...


Spencer is annoyed that it looks like "Star Trek for jocks." he thinks it's too shiney and won't pan out to be a good, solid film - just an action movie in space.

I hope he's not right.


It's pretty much a win/win


Maybe that's because most aliens are big a-holes. I mean sure, ET was alright, but the rest pretty much suck.


Point taken.


i was so impressed by this new Star Trek, from character development to action effects to the fluidity of the plot... IMO this is the best Star Trek ever

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