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I Think About Denise Richards So You Don't Have To

Denise Richards is in the news. Again.  This time it's for singing a painfully bad version of Take Me Out To The Ball Game during a Chicago Cubs game at Wrigley Field.  Here, take a listen:

My first question is: Why Denise Richards? My second question is, everyone knows Cracker Jack already contains peanuts, so isn't asking for someone to "Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack" a little bit of overkill? Isn't the whole point of the beloved snack to provide a pleasing balance of nuts and caramel corn goodness?

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Denise Richards.

I took a break from polishing my collection of driftwood art the other day to ponder the celebrityhood of Denise Richards. Everytime I turn around, there she is!  If she isn't warbling her way through our National Anthem she's parading her kids around on her reality show, or trying to get her hands on ex-husband Charlie Sheen's sperm. Then there was her stint on Dancing With the Stars; I don't even watch the show but I seemed to know about every tango and blister and paso-whatever she had danced/endured/mangled the night before. Why Denise Richards? Why? My cries rang out in the dark night. And while I know there's not any rhyme or reason to fame, all the deep pondering gave me a good excuse to put off re-gluing the googly eyes back on my Driftwood Angel Ensemble 1972.

While everyone refers to Richards as a Bond Girl because of her role in1999's The World Is Not Enough, her performance was widely panned and she was even named 'Worst Bond Girl of All Time' by Entertainment Weekly.  Sure there was Starship Troopers, the cult film Wild Things and roles in a few other movies and a handful of TV shows, but does any of that explain her H1N1-like infiltration of the media? More importantly, is any of that reason to subject 40,000 fans to a performance that sounds like a thousand cheese graters being dragged over asphalt?

Okay, I'm aware of the obvious - her rockin' bod looks kind of hellacious in a two-piece - but I can think of scores of others who fit that bill who don't have the exposure that Richards has. To what does she owe her celebrity status? Does she have the greatest publicist that ever lived? Did she send every promoter in town a fruit basket covered in rubies and diamonds?  Did she use her manicured nails and strong thighs to harness The Secret?

I'm going to leave you to ruminate on that subject for the rest of the week.  I have to get back to work - these driftwood elves aren't going to shellac themselves.

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These are questions for the ages, Marsha.

Also don't forget about her TV show "Denise Richards [colon] It's Complicated" (shout out to mah boy Joel McHale!!)


Um, can I point out that this is very much not The Star-Spangled Banner (first paragraph). Thank God.


If nothing else, this post lets me know that I'm not alone. My head explodes every time I even catch of glimpse of that one.

She's dumber than dirt, I tell you. Maybe that's the key to our mystery of her "celebrity status."


Yeah, thanks Heather. If you didn't, I was going to :) What if "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" was our national anthem?


i am no fan of hers but i think her leading the fans in "take me out to the ballgame" is ok. she is a chicago native (so they said). there are so many baseball games they try to find any person with any name recognition to just get butts in the seats.


did you hear that our boy joel's pilot got picked up by nbc? looks pretty good.

oh, this is supposed to be about denise richards? yah, i got nothin'.


I have contemplated this for minutes of my life. She looks like a man. Well, she has man-jaw, at least. I suppose the rest of her is decidedly feminine.

But she has so few redeeming qualities. And really? Please never sing again, Denise. Please.


Heather, my bad. I had originally started off the piece with a comparison to Roseanne's infamous National Anthem debacle (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrFW2aYHVR8) and thus the mixup and the reason for my mind turning into a mushy pile of marshmallow fluff.

Well, that and the fact that I had just received a fabulous fruit basket from Denise.


I think it's because she has large breasts.
And dumb cow eyes.
I could be wrong.


I *think* I heard the explanation that she was there promoting a charity for stomach (or some certain type) of cancer that has been diagnoised in one of her family members


OMG - how tanked does one have to be to not remember the words to "Take me out to the Ballgame?" This was gold. Made me giggle.


That was painful to listen to.


Denise Richards gets way more attention that she deserves already. Shout-out to Joel McHale! CanNOT wait for his show to debut! Woo-hoo!


Yes - never sing again. Puh-LEEEZE!

If anyone is confused by the term "Tone Deaf," watch the video above.


I love you Denise:-)
You look so sweet and beautiful by singing this

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