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Shed Pounds Fast With The Red Bull Diet Plus Mild Heart Attack, Cramped Bowel, Etc. Fast More Better Free

Red_bullWhen Brooke Robertson, 23, chugged a couple Red Bulls one day, she made an unusual discovery.

She wasn't hungry.

This discovery snapped into place in the context of Brooke's depression about weighing 231 pounds. 

And this, in the haphazard way all scientific discovery stumbles into its own light and Truth, led to the following logical (though the discerning reader will probably note some flaws) hypothesis:

If all I do is drink Red Bull, I will never be hungry. If I'm never hungry, I won't need to eat.

Granted, all true. Though the hypothesis kinda flounders in leaving out the part about people needing food to live.

Brooke Robertson ingested nothing but Red Bulls (and reportedly a handful of dry cereal here and there) FOR 8 MONTHS. Results are after the jump. They're not so hot. But she looks great.

Ladies. Do not try this. Please. I'm aware of the cultural pressure on you to go to great lengths to look unrealistic. There are much healthier paths to your goals. However, the best solution, in my opinion, is to fling off our culture's binding shackles and forget about your huge ass. Don't seek satisfaction or learn how to be OK with you. JUST FORGET IT. And go do something you love. Seriously. You're never more beautiful than when you're doing something you love.

So anyway, Brooke Robertson drank 10-14 Red Bulls a day for 8 months and lost 99 pounds. In very narrow terms, success!

But she shook the whole 8 months.

And the only way she finally got Red Bull's hooks out of her was a 2 week hospital stay following a minor heart attack. Now she has a heart murmur. She has severe pain and cramping in her stomach and bowel. And she has anxiety attacks.

And finally there's Brooke's own concluding statement about the whole adventure: "I know it doesn't sound too good, but I don't regret it because I got to a weight I was happy with."

Brooke is right. It doesn't sound too good. But, ultimately, it's not fair to hold her totally responsible for her complete and utter insanity. She didn't invent the goofy logics that motivate her. Somehow, we've all -  together - found ourselves in a world where it's possible for a woman NOT TO REGRET A SELF INDUCED HEART ATTACK AS LONG AS SHE FITS IN HER SKINNY JEANS!!!

So now what? I'm gonna go grab my wife's ass and tell her she's pretty.

*

Here's some posts by Miss Banshee. They're not related to this post. Except Miss Banshee loves Red Bulls. But she also eats food. I've seen her do it.

Spoilers And America: Perfecto Together?
Just Say Avada Kedavra To The New Harry Potter Trailer
Janet Jackson's Bewb Is Back In Court, But I Have More Horrific Crimes To Report







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Comments

schmutzie

Yeesh. That's crazy. I'd like to lose 20 pounds, but I also like to not shake and stay alive and stuff.

Average Jane

I once drank three Red Bulls in a 24-hour period and learned that I could put it on my list of "Things I'll Never Do Again." I can't imagine how completely awful someone would feel from drinking that many. Yikes.

ozma

Success in very narrow terms. I love that expression. You died of TB. But you are thin!

Success in narrow terms. That's the kind of success we can all get behind.

Your airplane explodes in a fireball over the Pacific Ocean. But you are debt free!

LovelyLayla

I used to love drinking red bull when I was at work. Um, like, tons of them. I dropped weight, and gained anxiety. However, I think the reason i dropped the weight was because I was constantly moving.

indycitygirl

Ever drink Red Bull and Vodka???Its the speedball from hell!! I drank a Red Bull and a 5 hour energy shot the other day at work and my teeth were vibrating it was so bad!! I will keep my cupcake backroll and stay calm instead

michele

our world is in a very sad state indeed.

TasterSpoon

I don't know how she drank 10 a day and kept them down. I drank about 3 in a row while out clubbing last year and tossed them up shortly thereafter. Ah, my dissolute youth!

Reminds me of that famous quotation supposedly by Mariah Carey, something to the effect of, she wished she could be skinny like the starving Ethiopians "except without all the flies and death and stuff."

Darcey

Yeah, I lived off energy drinks for about 2 months towards the end of my senior year of college, as we were working on our group presentation that was pretty much all of my grade... anyway, I drank so many that not only could I tell you which one paired best with what potato chip (one tasted like Nerds candy!), but I ended up spending the 2 weeks following the submission process in what I can only equate to as coming down from the worst high ever. I was sick for most of those two weeks and had a relapse of mono from it. And the mood swings? AWFUL.

Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy

Bitches are crazy.

[mark]

Are you kidding me? America is one big "success in very narrow terms" circle jerk....

"Sure, we MAY have tortured those suspected terrorists, but fuckin' a...we haven't had an attack since 9/11!"
- R. Cheney

"Sure, I'm a soulless heathen who doesn't care a whit for anyone...but LOOK AT ALL THE COOL SHIT I HAVE!!!"
- That Girls Gone Wild Guy

"Hi. I have a lot of money. I make a lot of money."
- P. Hilton

Sweetney

tru dat. and, err, sad.




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