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The Hills Recap: "Keep Your Enemies Closer"

Sum-281x211 Previously on The Hills: Lauren somehow managed to get Questionable Stephanie (QS) a job at People's Revolution, which she then proceed to EPICALLY FAIL at. Heidi freaked out psycho girlfriend-style at Spencer's Bartender "friend" Stacy. Audrina got freaky with privileged douchebag Brody and then had an ugly public reckoning with his girlfriend at a party.

. . . . .

Audrina, Lauren and Evil Lo (EL) @ Some rehabbed parking-garage-looking eatery in Hollywood:

EL: OMG I used to work around here!
Audrina: OMG I did too!
Lauren, EL, Audrina: I'm really excited! Boys! Shopping! Like! Totally!
Audrina: Justin Bobby, like, wants to talk to me. I don't know if I want to talk to him and stuff... Did that sound ominious? I kind of wanted that to sound ominous. Or is that foreboding? I always get those two things confused.
[scene]

*Cue theme song that has recently passed from merely grating straight into MAKES ME WANT TO GOUGE MY EYEBALLS OUT WITH A SPORK*

. . . . .

Lauren and QS having lunch @ an outdoor cafe:

Lauren: Like, how is it that I'm actually considered to be the Heroine of this show?
QS: I need to take a break from stressing about work and go on a manhunt.
Lauren: You have got to be fucking kidding me.
QS: I met a cute DJ! Squee!
Lauren: You really need to get your shit together you loser.
QS: All you think about is work and being responsible. You need to suck at life more, like me.
Lauren: [rolls eyes, squinches face]
[scene]

. . . . .

*Insert generic emo band song available on Rhapsody! Like you'd buy that shit!*

. . . . .

Heidi and her coworker Kimberly lunching @ some swanky frenchy-looking joint:

Kimberly: I am working so hard. Can you believe how hard I'm working hard?
Heidi: I have so much to do... I have to get my nails done, they're chipping, it's tragic... But hey, I wanted to ask your advice about something having nothing to do with work or my nails.
Kimberly: Shoot!
Heidi: So Spencer's bimbo Stacy texted me...
Kimberly: Texted YOU?
Heidi: Okay, texted Spencer and then I broke into his cell phone and read her text to him. Which is almost kind of like her texting me, right?
Kimberly: What the fuck is wrong with you? Too much bleach on your skullcase?
Heidi: So then I contronted her in public about it and called her the devil and stuff because I'm good with hyperbole like that. ANYWAY, she wants to meet me for some reason, and because I'm a puppet incapable of making decisions for myself I want you to tell me if I should go or not.
Kimberely: You should go.
Heidi: Done.
[scene]

. . . . .

Lauren and QS @ People's Revolution, where the garments are made in China by wage slaves... but with ORGANIC COTTON!

Lauren: I'm competent!
QS: I'm ditsy and devoid of any skills whatsoever! Watch me screw up a task a trained chimp with a walnut-sized brain could accomplish!
Lauren: [Looks pained] Uhh, I have to go run an errand that a competent person would run...
QS: [talking loudly on phone, ignoring Lauren] OMG, HI, what are you doing? Me? I'm like so getting stuff ready for a fashion show here... I think?
[scene]

. . . . .

EL & Lauren @ Smashbox Studios Photo Shoot:

EL: So you brought the very important clothes for this very important shoot for my very important boss, right?
Lauren: Yes! I am, after all, comptetent!
EL: So where are all the BlahDeeBlahDesignerNameHere pieces?
Lauren: Uhhh.... DAMN THAT STEPHANIE!!!
[scene]

. . . . .

QS and her friend Robert @ YET ANOTHER goddamn restaurant, my god don't these people ever eat at home:

[Stephanie's phone rings]
QS: Hello?
Lauren, on phone: Oh my god you moron, you forgot to put the clothes for the photo shoot in the bag for me like I specifically asked, I am SO telling Scary People's Revolution Mom!
QS: Umm, I'm kind of having my lunch right now. Do you want me to see if someone can bring that shit to you or what?
Lauren: GO TO HELL.
[scene]

. . . . .

Heidi & Stacy @ Stacy's bar:

Stacy: I feel bad about how things have gone down...
Heidi: You're a slut and a homewrecker and stay away from my boyfriend!
Stacy: Okay, glad we had this talk.
[scene]

. . . . .

Justin and Audrina @ stupid restaurant #3521 in LA:

Audrina: This has to end, we need to say goodbye, don't call or text me. [runs dramatically outside to parking lot, Justin follows]
Justin: You slept with Brody and I am irrationally pissed off about it though I've treated you like a doormat for several seasons of this show and never pretended to be your boyfriend in any real way. Amazing!
Audrina: We were never committed. Meaning, you used me for sex and my incredible conversational skills, which are matched only by my facial expressiveness.
Justin: [mad, foot-stompy]
Aurina: You suck!
Justin: No you suck!
[scene]

. . . . .

*Insert dramatic, sweeping emo song about being sad and hurting and stuff here*

. . . . .

Spencer & Heidi @ their apartment:

Heidi, to Spencer: What are you doing?
Flesh-colored beard (FCB): Twittering. [sneer]
Heidi: So I totally went crazy-bitch on that Stacy tramp, fyi.
FCB: OOOOH MY GOOOOD HEIDI! I am so emotionally manipulative that I'm going to make YOU feel like shit for confronting the woman I was cheating on you with! I WIN AT DOUCHEBAGGERY!
Heidi: And I'm so fucked up I'm going to keep taking it from you!
[scene]

. . . . .

Lauren and Stephanie @ The People's Revolution

PR Owner Kelly, aka Scary PR Mom, to Lauren: Can I see you in my office and scream at you for your friend's incompetence?
Lauren: Uhh, yeah?
Scary PR Mom : Your friend is a piece of shit. And you're going to fire her. After I berate you in a manner wholly disproportionate to your role in the matter.
Lauren: Ooooooh SNAP!
[scene]

FIN







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Comments

lori

Now THIS is a recap (of a show I've never seen) that I can enjoy!!

BaltimoreGal

MAKES ME WANT TO GOUGE MY EYEBALL OUT WITH A SPORK:
Succinctly yet perfectly explains my feeling at even the tiniest visual encounter with The Hills. Thank you!

AmyH

love the recap! It's as if I saw the show myself.

LoLa

wow, thank you so much. I have my fix...no need to watch the dvr'd version. I'll check back next week.




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