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The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Thicker than Water (Episode 1)

Rhnj_about Welcome to the Garden State. Pull up a chair, bust out the wine and prepare to be dazzled by what New Jersey has to offer. Which really is nothing short of a real life version of The Sopranos and I am hardly the first person to point that out but it bears repeating. The newest installment of the famed Real Housewives series takes five New Jersey - four from the same family - and releases them upon America. It's less 'lifestyles of the rich and famous' and more 'lifestyles of the rich and those who piss off the rich and maybe the rich will bust a cap in your ass if you piss them off one more time'.

The introduction to these five during a preview of the season was nothing short of miraculous. It's really fun to see just how low Bravo can go, how overly obsessed a woman can become with her boobies and how many people will tune in. This is the ultimate train wreck. Hell, the previews alone mentioned drug cartels and featured one wife turning over a table in a restaurant mid-fight. So this first episode was the extended remix of the preview.

That slurping sound you just heard was me being sucked in and being like a kid on Christmas waiting for this to start. For these women - Theresa, Dina, Caroline, Jacqueline and Danielle - to BRING IT. Though my favorite part is that they bring it and spend money like water all the while saying "so, we hear the economy is tanking" but don't worry because the 'French Chateau' look (READ: Marie Antoinette threw up in here) that Theresa is going for in her new home (READ: 'living in a place where someone else has already lived is icky') will keep the economy afloat. Good work, ladies.

Brief introductions are in order starting with Caroline aka Carmela Soprano but with more balls. She is the matriarch of this very large family and takes her title to heart. She's a throwback. She's old school. And she's super proud of her youngest child who wants to have a career in being the face of car washes and strip clubs because they are "recession proof". Just as long as it is a strip club that mom can be proud of.

Then there's Theresa who is married to Joe - an 'ass man' - and also Caroline's sister in law. She has three girls who are divas but she's soooo not a stage mom.

Picture 1

Nope. Not at all.

Then there's Dina, Caroline's sister who is married to Caroline's husband's brother (you follow?) Now she is a piece of work. No, literally, a piece of work. I'm pretty sure she escaped out of Madame Tussaud's and lo, now she's a real live girl. She's the baby of 11 children and she can't change a light bulb. God help us all. And because there isn't enough entertainment with just the housewives, Dina comes equipped with an 11 year old daughter who says "If I had a fat, old mom, I would kill myself". Dina also continuously says "Boobies" like it has a 'u' instead of two o's. Listen to her say boobies every 45 seconds for an hour and you'll want to take a cheese grater to your eardrums as well. Shit, I'm thinking of making a drinking game out of her excessive boobie talk. Take a shot every time she says it and enjoy spending the following morning with your head in a toilet.

Oh and Jacqueline. Jacqueline is sweet or as Dina says, "Her heart is as big as her boobies". And she is very sweet and nice and she's married to another brother of this massive family and has had four miscarriages. Which is an actual problem as opposed to, oh mah gah, this bitch is talking about me. Jacqueline reminds me of DeShawn from the Atlanta series who was just so god damn sweet and nice and dumb that it was too hard not to love her and pet her on the head. Precious, girl.

What will be the source of entertainment for the season is Jacqueline's relationship with sex pot, cougar Danielle. It's what the first episode is setting up. The other women are a house of cards and Danielle is the faulty one in the deck. Danielle...oh, Danielle. After knowing her for 27 minutes I can already tell you how much she enjoys phone sex. A lot. She loved it so much with this one guy who calls himself 'Gucci Lover' online that she decides to meet him out. You know what they say; "Great phone sex, great life". I swear I saw that on a Hallmark card somewhere. The thing is that Danielle isn't related to the family. She's a newbie and friends with Jacqueline. Meanwhile the other ladies aren't too fond of Danielle probably because she's obnoxious and full of herself (and full of shit) but knowing them, that ain't it.

At the end of this first episode in the previews for the season we find out that Danielle might have some shady stuff in her past and the other ladies, namely Caroline, are hell bent on finding out what that shady business is. Because if you're coming into Caroline's life you better come equipped with a resume, a social security number and all proper documentation proving that you're a little less crazy than she is.

This is a real italian family where blood is thicker than water. This is almost as good as The Godfather and barring any horse's heads found in the bed, this is going to be awesome.

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"Listen to her say boobies every 45 seconds for an hour and you'll want to take a cheese grater to your eardrums as well."

Ugh. I totally thought the same thing. I also thought the same thing when Theresa said she doesn't have Jersey-style big hair and tacky nails anymore. Um, yes, yes you do.

These women are horrible. Period.

I hadn't watched any of this noise because I got rid of cable. Now I have it again and this shit is like A/V crack. Curse ye, Bravo.


Was there any suspense that "GucciModel" didn't show up at that bar to meet Danielle? Um, no. Trolling craigslist (did she really call it wealthymen.com or some such?! as if a financial background check is required for membership) for phone sex opportunities is going to land you a phone bill and bubkus by way of actual men.


In the preview episode, Danielle said "someone better come in and save me and my girls or we're going to loose the house". Hows about getting fricking job and taking some responsibility?

I hate how much I love this show.

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