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HAHAHAHA! It's The End Of The World!

Disneys-G-Force-3D-Movie-Disney-2009 So Jerry Bruckheimer is not content with me hating him on a normal level and has decided to up the ante in our personal war by making the movie G-Force, whose advertising you've probably seen infinity times by now and is about CGI guinea pigs who are also secret agents and features a bunch of poop jokes. This is going to be awesome. Thank God, I have kids and nothing else is coming out this week for them to watch, because I would hate to not secretly resent them for dragging me to this one.

I mean... it looks awesome. My therapist says I need to focus more on being positive because negativity causes herpes or something. I don't know. I just sort of tuned him out once it became clear there would be no forced institutionalization. So I'll be positive for this non-review. (*forced smile*)

Okay...one great thing about this movie is it has two of my favorite comedians in it, playing human parts and not guinea pig parts and they are Will Arnett and Zack Galifianakis, and I'm sure that this doesn't mark a low point in either of their careers and that selling out for them would be something way worse, and they are both known for swearing a lot and telling off-color jokes about date rape , so of course they are going to be in a kids movie about anthropomorphic rodentia. Maybe they'll do some pedophilia bits...that would probably kill.

I think the animators should also be commended for making up characters that make me instantly hostile because I'm a pretty laid-back guy, so that was quite an undertaking. They've done great though because every time I see that one guinea pig with Tracey Morgan's voice moonwalking and doing "the wave" with his arms I want to throw myself through my television screen and not just to punish it for betraying me by putting up G-Force images but I also want to punish my eyes for accepting the visual stimuli. That's quite an achievement if you ask me. It's pretty much worthy of the Nobel Prize for Being Annoying as far as I'm concerned. 

Another great thing about this movie is that it will probably be number one at the box office and make a ass-ton of money which will mean they will be likely to make more of them and I know that sounds depressing at first but just think...eventually they will suck so hard that even kids can't watch them and they'll be released direct-to-Blu-Ray and we won't have to think about them anymore. Like "The Land Before Time" movies. I think they're still making those. Did YOU know? I didn't. That's awesome. If there's one thing that Disney* is good at, it's bludgeoning ideas to death. And this seems ripe for that kind of treatment. In fact it's begging for it.

So if you have kids, you'll probably get dragged to this thing this weekend and I would say I'm sorry but I can't because I'll probably be there with you, wishing that God would take my eyes from me. So I guess we'll just both have to suck it up, won't we?

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All I know is Jerry Bruckheimer obviously sold his soul long ago.


This movie makes me really glad I have an 11-year-old cousin, because I can drag him along on the pretense that it's a belated birthday thing, when really it's just me wanting to watch Will Arnett, Bill Nighy, and Zach Galifianakis, and listen to Sam Rockwell.

(And maybe I'm still dealing with bitterness over the death of the class guinea pig in 1st grade and my teacher's subsequent refusal to get us another pet, not even the bunny who had been there for awhile and then was taken to her house because we were "too rowdy." Grr.)

What I'm saying is, unless I can get my brother to give me a free pass (he works at the theatre) I might just be on my way to wasting $8 on this.


I love my wife. She is, as I type this, at that movie with our 6-year-old. I'm staying behind to work on my paper (as soon as I finish this, I swear).

Marmite Breath

Coincidentally, Hadleigh (the 11 year old girl child that I birthed) is getting the long-promised guinea pig this weekend and is THRILLED that G-Force is coming out too. The kids talk of nothing else this week.


I was actually talking about this with one of the employees at PetSmart this weekend. I'm glad that your getting a guinea pig has sparked the interest in the movie and not the other way around, much like all the bunnies sold at Easter I fear there's going to be run on GPs and an eventual surge on the GP population in shelters as a result.

Not to poo poo anyone's parade, I love pocket pets. We were actually picking up another pet mouse and we have 6 Chinchillas.

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