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Liveblogging "The Bachelorette" Finale and the Death of Love

The_Bachelorette So here's the thing: my wife is forcing me to watch the grand finale of The Bachelorette, and I'm pretty fucking horrified about it. Why? Good lord... is there anything in this show not worth being horrified about? Our pal Snarky Amber gave me plenty of good reason to avoid this experience, but as I've temporarily lost custody of the remote control - and, therefore, my manhood - I have no choice but to go with it

First off, there's dude #1: Ed. Let's be honest: Ed is a weenie. I don't know jack about him other than what I'm being forced to watch, but dollars to donuts Ed is the guy who's spent his life being "the best friend:" the too-sensitive, squidgy-around-the-edges teddy bear with a heart of grape jelly who beautiful girls have used as a warm, welcoming and unthreatening shoulder to cry on since the moment he first hit puberty.

(I'm making a leap of faith here in presuming that he's actually gone through puberty. Watching him swim shirtless through some blue lagoon with a bikini'd Jillian and attempt to passionately make out with her calls nothing to mind quite as much as awkward junior high fumblings. Yeah, he asked her to come back to his hotel for the night... but I'm guessing he's got an evening of Warcraft in mind. Just a hunch.)

Then there's dude #2: Kiptyn. Yes, I had to double-check that spelling: Kiptyn. I don't know what the fuck kind of name that is - it sounds like some mythical, glittery forest creature-but the dude is ripped beyond comprehension. They just showed us a scene where he and Bachelorette Jillian are going out for a day of water sports (no, not that kind) and Kiptyn takes his shirt off and streeeeeeeeetches and.... jesus: I'm a straight guy, but if I ever had any doubts I'm thinking that Kiptyn's infinitely rippling abs would be the thing to push me over the edge. Meanwhile, my wife is openly drooling. I can't even blame her — this is like that scene in Casino Royale when Daniel Craig first emerges from the water in inverse Ursula Andress style looking just lean and cut and mean as hell and even the guys just have to step back and say, "Whoa." At a certain point, all you can do is admire the achievement.

In any case, once we get beyond Kiptyn's abs... well, what we see is Jillian and Kiptyn straddling a surfboard, making out and looking like happy little filthy sex monkeys on the water. Meanwhile, Ed is back at his hotel making a mix CD. They don't show it, but we all know that's what he's doing. It's probably got some real earnest acoustic singer-songwriter types. Nobody too tortured; just a showcase for his sensitivity.

Every once in a while, Jillian pops in and talks about how tough a choice it is, how she has real feelings for both of them, how happy she can picture herself being with either one, and... LIESLIESLIES. Why are you lying to us, Jillian? "I have so much love to give," she says. "Normally, I'd be scared and confused. But I'm not. I'm really looking forward to our new life together."

I ask for a show of hands in my living room. Who's feeling excited about a new life together with Ed?

(the silence is deafening)

Do you remember sensitive pony tail guy in Singles? Ed aspires to one day become bold enough that he can grow a real bitchin' pony tail, just like him. Meanwhile, Kiptyn is waxing his abs in preparation for more up-close-and-personal time with Jillian.

Oooooh... we're at the gigantic Aloha house for the final showcase showdown. Time for her to break someone's heart. The first limo arrives and... SWEET JESUS. IT'S KIPTYN. SHE'S GOING TO BREAK KIPTYN'S HEART. Does Kiptyn have a heart? Probably not. Lots of abs, though. SHE'S GOING TO SAW THROUGH THOSE ABS WITH A SCYTHE.

Kiptyn is carefully unshaven. He's looking hopeful and excited as he stands on the podium with Jillian. We can see his abs rippling through his suit. He's declaring his love for her and she's... oh, she's starting to look sad. It's the sad Jillian face. She's trying to hold it together and not ruin her makeup. And... GOOD LORD. "I've fallen in love with someone else."

"This hurts a lot," he says. Um... he's doing a great job of hiding it. I'm not sure if he's swallowing his pain or if he's actually kind of relieved. Wait: let's find out by checking in on Kiptyn in the limo as he makes the final slow ride of shame down the hill from the Aloha house... uh oh. He's talking about how his whole spiel to her was a buildup to how his feelings had grown, how much he loved her, waiting for some kind of acknowledgment from her, and then he was gonna drop down on one knee and propose. "I didn't realize those were gonna be the last words I'd say to her," he says.

(It's actually a little sad. We watch as he sits in the limo, manfully unshaven, fighting off tears.)

(On the plus side... SAY HELLO TO THE STAR OF NEXT SEASON'S THE BACHELOR!!!)

So: seriously? She's picking Ed? Nobody picks the Ed in this scenario. "Kiptyn is all man," my wife says. "So, I'm your Kiptyn, right?" It's a long minute before she responds. "Um... sure."

Score one for me.

Okay: back from commercial. Ed is wearing a bright purple tie. And wait: some other dude just showed up... his name is Reid, he's wearing white sneakers with a suit, and apparently he's a plot twist. He's jumping Ed's train and heading out to the final showdown platform before Ed arrives. Jillian's all weepy and whatever, and is hugging him and crying, and looking conflicted and happy, and... uh... Jillian? Remember way back - like, two minutes ago? - when you were talking about how psyched you were to spend the rest of your life with Ed?

Reid is monologuing and talking about what a jackass he's been. He's apologizing, and she's... what? "Letting you go was the hardest thing I've had to do... I miss everything we've had..."

Jillian? WTF? What about Ed? What about Kiptyn's abs? Seriously?

"My connection with you is undescribable... I mean, you were so unsure."

"I was, but then you sent me away, and everything became clear."

She's thinking. Thinkingthinkingthinking. Meanwhile, Ed is tooling away in his limo, blissfully unaware that Reid has returned from the seventh circle of hell and/or Philadelphia to fuck him over royally. Ed? You are the king of cuckolds.

Reid suddenly drops to one knee and whips out a ring.

Score one for Jillian: she refuses to answer on the spot. She appears conflicted. "My head is spinning right now."

Will she choose Ed? Will she choose Reid? Why the hell am I subjecting myself to this? I sat down about 90 minutes ago ready to go ahead and write a perfectly respectable post about werewolves that nobody would read or comment on... and now, all of a sudden, I'm caught up in the lives of people named Reid and Kiptyn. I hate myself.

Jillian is taking a moment to talk things over with generic host dude. And generic host dude... TALKS HER INTO DUMPING REID. Which, granted, is 100% the right thing to do, as clearly Reid is kind of a dick. But still... can Ed triumph over adversity, abs of steel and some Philly dude named Reid determined to fuck him over?

She's hugging Reid goodbye, and... well, my: that's one long hug. One looooooong last look into each other's eyes. They walk off the platform, through the house, back out to Reid's minivan taxi (stylin', dude) and Reid... shows feelings? He has feelings? Bullshit.

"I can't believe we're watching this," my wife says.

I could be doing something productive with this time. I could be building a bookshelf, or teaching Yankees fans how to read. 

Jillian returns to the platform. "Ed better not fucking disappoint me," she says. Seriously. I just laughed, and in that moment Jillian almost completely redeemed herself from the abject goofiness of the last 110 minutes of reality TV. They bleeped the f-bomb, but it was there, it was real, and it was funny. See, TV dudes? When people on reality TV stop acting like people on reality TV and start doing regular funny people things... we stop hating you.

So: here we are. Grand finale of the grand finale. They're on the platform, holding hands, Ed is monologuing... he's dull, he's refreshingly charisma-free, he's wearing a purple tie... how can she not be rethinking this decision?

"There is no doubt in my mind that I madly love you," she declares, and then they start making out. "I've been waiting to tell you I love you for so long." Except for, you know, ten minutes ago when the generic host dude had to talk you into dumping dick Reid for nice guy weenie Ed.

And now they're engaged, and here's where the strings come in. They start dry-humping on the platform, and as the camera pulls back to reveal the grandeur of the Hawai'ian coast and fade to a stupid montage of their relationship...

"I like Reid," my wife says.

Love is dead.







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Comments

Ally

I'm so glad you did this post, you saved me from having to actually watch it.

charlane

ed is the guy that every girl says she wants...but dumps for the bad boy

Pocklock

What Charlane said. And in this case, the Bad Boy (well, the worst one ABC could come up with) was Reid.

Great post.

Pam

Wow. This is a side of you I've never seen. "Wipeout" I can understand. I'm there for you on "Wipeout". But "The Bachelorette"? I just never saw it coming.

iambellaluna

Love. This. Post. I'm glad you did it also, since I never watched an episode the Bachlorette...I'm dying to see what they all look like IRL. Right now my imagination has Reid looking like Jamie Kennedy in that Malibu movie, Kiptyn as a Ken doll—complete with the shaggy blonde hairstyle, and Ed like well, sort of Zach Braff-ish on Scrubs. Jillian...I picture as a tan brunette. Am I right?

Cheeky Lotus

*walking to Tivo* *deleting finale episode*

Thank you. I owe you one.

ravenlynne

Thanks! I also skipped this season after the douche-debacle that was last season.

Newlyweds

Ok I watched the whole thing, but should have just read this and saved myself the whole 2 hours and lots more entertainment!

Sweetney

I have not yet watched, so I averted my eyes from this post, but shall be back later tonight after watching the finale to take in its glory and magnificence.

Fairly Odd Mother

You did a great job with this recap. The only thing you may not know is that in a previous episode, they had "alone time" and Ed, apparently, could not report to battle, so to speak. The fact that she willingly chose a guy who may prefer to nap over being with her in the biblical sense is kind of interesting.

TwoBusy

I'm jealous of you... I wish I could go back in time and un-watch it. I'm so ashamed right now about my participation in that fiasco - even just as a passive witness - that I'm at a complete loss. All day long at work, people were saying, "Dude, what's wrong with you?" And I'd say, "I watched the Bachelorette last night." And they'd just shake their heads sadly, and walk away.

Um. What were we talking about?

TwoBusy

EXACTLY. Which is why my wife's final reaction is so f@#$ing disturbing.

TwoBusy

Reid is a f$#%ing weasel. I want to kneecap him. And you KNOW at some point in the next year there's gonna be an Enquirer headline featuring "Bachelorette runs away to Caribbean sex romp with ex-suitor Reid."

Because that's just the way the universe works.

TwoBusy

You shame "Wipeout" by mentioning it in the same breath as "The Bachelorette." How dare you? Where do you get off?

Damn you, Pam.

TwoBusy

Thank you -- and honestly, your read on Reid (see what I did there? that was me trying to be clever) is EXTREMELY close. Spooky.

TwoBusy

Leaping on the grenade and taking one for the team. That's what I'm all about.

TwoBusy

It was a tremendous reminder of why we should hate and fear most reality television.

TwoBusy

I agree. The Bachelorette sucks. I, on the other hand, am wonderful.

TwoBusy

You should probably stretch out first, too. It's a long one.

TwoBusy

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH

(See? If I'd known this last night, I think my head would have exploded.)

(Which... um... I guess means that it's probably just as well that I didn't.)

Amanda

The best part of this season is when Jillian said, "Ed couldn't show me how he felt during our Fantasy Suite night." They mentioned OVER AND OVER how Ed couldn't "consumate their feelings" ON NATIONAL TV. Even though he got the girl in the end, Ed is hanging his head(s) in shame.

I gotta go, "After the Final Rose" is about to start! More about Ed's "inability to perform?"

TwoBusy

I tried to psych myself up to watch the post-op dissection, but just couldn't summon the strength to do so. I hope it was as witheringly awful as I feared...

Sweetney

I have now given up ever watching this and just read your post.

This is perfect. If this post were a man, I'd marry it (or, you know, at least makeout on a surfboard with it).

KUDOS.




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