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Seacrest Secures $45M Contract, Deal With Devil Suspected

Ryan_seacrest_simon_cowell The average heart surgeon in the U.S. makes between $250,000-$300,000 a year. The average air-traffic controller pulls in $115,000 annually. Ryan Seacrest, on the other hand — skilled at absolutely nothing except perhaps maintaining a constant five-o-clock shadow—that dude will now make $10 million dollars annually at just ONE of his jobs. Fuck you, heart surgeons!

There can be only one explanation: Seacrest has made a pact with the devil.

"Surely Seacrest's soul isn't worth $45M," you're probably saying to yourself. And, honestly, I can't argue with you there. Nevertheless, I can find no more reasonable justification for the contract Seacrest has secured with Idol producers 19 Entertainment. The deal promises $10M each year over the next three years, plus $15M upfront for exclusive rights to his unholy image and for AI-related merchandising. For those of us who took math for liberal arts majors, that's about $300,000 per episode of American Idol.

I know, I know. It gets old, bitching about how much celebrities make in comparison with people in the real world. So let's put aside the fact that people in life-saving professions make less in a year than Seacrest makes in a day for just a second. Let's put this into Hollywood perspective: as it stands, Ryan Seacrest will now make five times the amount 2009 Best Actress Academy Award Winner Kate Winslet pulled in last year to act her fucking ass off in Revolutionary Road and The Reader.  

However, those were smallish, arty movies that didn't make much money, plus we all know women in Hollywood get paid less than the men. For example, on the same show, Paul Abdul is currently making only $2M a year, even though her drugged-up comments are arguably one of the foremost reasons America continues to watch. (Okay, I guess I shouldn't speak for the entire country, but I know it's a big reason we at MamaPop tune in.) So let's compare Seacrest's new salary with Hollywood males. Christian Bale was paid $10M for The Dark Knight, last year's highest grossing picture. In the interest of full disclosure, Bale also got a bonus based on the box-office to the tune of $50M, but the point remains that Ryan Seacrest will make as much next year as the base salary for the lead actor in a film that pulled in over $500M. And that just ain't right.

So if the devil is no longer in the business of helping negotiate lucrative contracts for people who do fuck-all, in exchange for their plump, juicy souls, I am honestly at a loss for better explanations for this deal. Perhaps Ryan Seacrest simply has the best agent in the history of television. Perhaps the execs at 19 Entertainment truly think Seacrest is indispensable because they are on mass quantities of drugs. Or perhaps Seacrest gives one hell of a blow job. Mysteries abound, my friends. 


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Ryan Seacrest is a douchebag. He's probably a genial fellow and not too bad to hang around with. But a douchebag he is; that's his entire schtick, a bland, good-looking douchebag who acts like he's smooth but makes you cringe whenever he opens his mouth. And that's what we love and value the most in this world, beyond the people who fix our bodies or run our schools. We have invented a world in which douchebags get all the money and all the attention. We made Seacrest. Now he is filthy rich and grinning at us.

ms martyr

If Seacrest can do it, can a multi-million dollar contract for Speidi be far behind?


that is a large sum of money, but the guy does seem to do nothing but work. comparing him to someone who made a movie...well, i bet he works harder than the very pampered actors. and works everyday at multiple jobs. movie stars don't work everyday.

i am no fan of his but he does seem to work harder than just about everyone else for his money.

and does the guy even have a personal life?


Couldn't agree more.

Apryls Antics

I'm pretty sure the deal with the devil insures that each time he signs a new contract his head (ironically) shrinks a hat size. It's just so tiny already. By 2012, he's going to look like Beetlejuice in the last scene of the movie.

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