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True Blood Recap: Shake and Fingerpop

TrueBlood I need to come out of the coffin about something: I intensely covet the Fantasia tshirt that Sookie's been wearing as she recovers from her attack. And, um, hbo.com sells them. I might have to buy one.
Anyway, that was a long break, wasn't it?

Jason is making his way back to his dorm at Jesus Camp after his dinner at Steve and Sarah's. When he enters his room, he's shocked to find everyone lying on the floor, apparently dead from a vampire attack. And, you know, look. I know vampires can be stealth, but from what I've seen on this show, there's at least some noise from the struggle. So if all of these people just slept through their bunkmate grunting and gurgling, I can't say that I feel particularly bad about their collective demise. Jason gasps but someone or something tackles him then growls into his ear about how awesome he smells. Jason prepares to die but at that moment the lights come up and all of the campers get up, laughing and clutching empty bottles of ketchup. Oh, haha. It's so fun being 10! The attacker was Jason's bitchy roommate Luke who scoffs, "Teacher's pet was scared!" Dude, seriously, aren't these guys like 30 years old? Luke asks Jason, "How's that lip?" since Jason got a fat one when Luke pushed him to the ground. "It's fine," says Jason. "How's your nose?" Luke doesn't get the question until Jason punches him square in the face, silencing all of the hecklers. "Vampires are not a joke!" he yells, ripping off his clip-on tie. He repeats the speech that Steve just gave to him about the war that they're fighting and Luke moans that Jason broke his nose.

Bill is still freaking out over discovering Jessica and Hoyt together and threatens to throw Hoyt out through a window that is closed. God, Bill, a simple, "I will fuck you up," will suffice. Sookie scolds Bill for being rude, but Bill tells Hoyt that it's not Jessica that he's looking to protect. Hoyt finally gets it, but tells Jessica that he doesn't believe she would hurt him as he leaves. Yeah, I don't know about that Hoyt. She's kind of a spitfire. Jessica pouts and tells Bill that she was planning to take things slow with Hoyt and she can't help it that her fangs come out when she's turned on. Realizing that her fangs are still out, she giggles and runs upstairs. Sookie says that she thinks she's going to like Jessica, but Bill says that they can NOT be girlfriends. Sookie wants to take Jessica to Dallas with them. Bill hesitates and admits that he's envious of Jessica being able to be out amongst the living from the get-go, since it was so different when he was made. But he finally relents and sighs that he'll have to arrange for two travel coffins.

Daphne and Sam are still swimming and Sam talks about how much he likes being out in the middle of nowhere, with no radios or cars or any other sounds from the modern world. He likens Bon Temps to paradise which Daphne isn't too sure about, but he insists that there's less to distract you from being where you are. Yeah, there's just the small matters of demonic vibrating women and bovine attacking things and shapeshifters and the odd serial killer, but it's totally paradise! Sam admits that he might be leaving soon, though, which surprises Daphne, but she changes the subject saying that her fingers are turning to raisins and she's craving pancakes. Sam considers going with her. As she gets out, Sam notices the scars on her back, which look worse than when she got in.

Tara is pacing in Maryann's kitchen, talking on the phone with Sookie. Maryann walks in as Tara hangs up and Tara finally admits that she's moving in with Sookie. Maryann, who is wearing the most gigantic earrings I've ever seen, does a poor job of acting totally okay with this development and notes that Tara seemed to be having so much fun at the orgy the other night. Tara asks Maryann to tell Eggs that she left. They hug and Tara thanks Maryann who says that she knows that Tara would do the same for her. She tells Tara to go and flourish and live long and prosper.

At Jesus Camp, Jason and some of the other guys are discussing biblical evidence of vampires, specifically Lazarus and Jesus. Maybe Jesus was the first vampire, the first evil. Nonsense. The first evil was Eve eating the apple. That's why they call it "evil," says Luke. Duh. Jason gets paged over the PA. The other campers say that God will always make sure that evil gets punished. "Then explain Europe!" challenges Jason. Steve has summoned Jason. He's waiting in his truck with a gigantic handgun and tells Jason that they're going for a ride. Jason may not be the smartest man alive, but even he thinks that this situation looks a little dodgy. But Steve wants Jason to do a little training in the arts of slaughtering vampires. Then later they'll get ice cream and braid each other's hair.

Tara and Sookie are talking before Sookie leaves for Dallas. As a birthday present, Sookie gives Tara the picture of the two of them with Gran, which makes them both teary. Sookie explains that Bill has business in Dallas. Tara figures out that they're using her for her mindreading abilities. She can't believe Sookie is okay with that and says that the sex with Bill can't be THAT good. "It's pretty good," says Sookie, matter-of-factly. Plus, she loves him. Besides, everyone has their flaws. Some guys are obsessed with sports and some are called to Texas to find missing ancient vampires. Also, Sookie says that she's doing it in part to save Lafayette. Tara is shocked to hear that Lafayette has returned.

Sheriff Bud is overseeing the examination of Miss Jeannette's body. She has those gigantic scratches in her back, too, and they determine that the scratches paralyzed her and then whatever the thing was removed her heart while she was still alive. Bud jokes that it was a human-animal collaboration. His less desensitized colleague is still appropriately upset at seeing a woman mutilated in a most creepy manner. Andy walks in and asks if the pig that Tara reported seeing might be the same one that he saw in a doghouse. Andy is lacking many skills in life, one of them being the ability to broach a bizarre topic without losing every shred of credibility. Bud points out that Andy is drunk and Andy defensively and rhetorically says, "Like you've never had a beer in the middle of the day." "I'm not an alcoholic," points out Bud. Andy lashes out and Bud responds by relieving Andy of his badge.

Lafayette is trying to recover on his couch when Tara starts banging on the door. Lafayette begrudgingly gets up to let the hysterical Tara in, saying, "Damn, hooker. Shit." Tara lays into Lafayette asking why she has to hear about him being shot and eaten and chained in a dungeon through the grapevine. Good news travels fast, Tara! She insists that she's staying to take care of Lafayette. He responds, "Hooker. Bitch. You know I love you." I kind of love Lafayette's terms of endearment. He explains that he would have to take care of Tara and he doesn't have it in him right now. Tara stomps out saying that if he dies, she's going to be really pissed.

Sam brings some tomatoes into Merlotte's and Terry pissily says that he thought Sam was leaving. Sookie notices that Terry looks uneasy and he admits to her that he doesn't know that he can run this place. Sookie confronts Sam and asks him if he planned to tell her that he was leaving. "You weren't here," explains Sam, because obviously Sookie doesn't have a phone or an answering machine. Sookie protests but Sam says that he's dealing with some serious shit right now. Sookie snaps back that she's dealing with some serious shit too...oh, and she'll need to take off a couple of days.

Jason and Steve are barreling through the woods, shooting at vampire targets that pop up. Steve is thrilled with Jason's performance and says that he needs to use wooden bullets so that the vampires will blow up. Displaying his disturbing status as the smartest person at Jesus Camp, Jason explains that that's not how it happens, that dying vampires kind of just fall apart. "You've seen it? That must have been awesome!" squees Steve.

Tara is sitting at home, watching TV by herself and crying. Her pity party ends abruptly when she senses someone at the window. Tara turns off the TV and creeps around, trying to see who is lurking. She finally goes to the door and Maryann hops out and yells, "SURPRISE!" She and Eggs and Karl are there to throw her a birthday party. "Did we scare you?" Maryann laughs. No, Maryann, of course not. I'm always totally cool when I hear someone creeping around my poorly secured old house in the middle of the woods which, coincidentally, has a track record of unsuccessfully keeping out psychotic killers who go after old ladies and kittens. WHY WOULD I BE SCARED THAT'S SO SILLY LULZ. Eggs and Maryann note Tara's tears and Tara explains that her birthday always sucks. "This year it changes. I promise you that," says Eggs, which pretty much guarantees that some fucked up shit is going to go down. I hope Tara has dropped some hints that she doesn't want an orgy. Just a gift card will be fine, thanks. But Maryann says that she's been on the phone all day calling Tara's friends. Now, I know that Tara has no more than 5 friends, tops, and nearly all of them are in the room with her or on their way to Dallas, so the fact that this doesn't toss up some red flags for Tara has me worried.

Jason is at Steve's house having some post-slaughter-practice beers. Sarah is cooking ribs and while Steve rambles, Jason fantasizes about Sarah licking her fingers and slapping her ass with a spatula. Sarah doesn't help Jason's boner-to-be when she offers to tie Jason's bib on and take a moment to smooth it out all over his chest. As they dig into dinner, Steve and Sarah agree that Jason has the makings of a soldier of god. They invite him to join their holy army. Aw, it's so nice to see Jason making strides in life. And besides, holy armies have always been a positive thing in the past, right? Right?

Andy is drinking at Merlotte's again. He is the sole customer since everyone else is making their way to Tara's party. Sam is surprised to hear of the party and Arlene says that that real elegant woman is throwing it and she already has a reputation in town of throwing the most bitchin' keggers. Andy pipes up with his agreement on Maryann's party-throwing skills and says that he'll be heading over there soon anyway because he has to ask Tara about a pig. Tara's mother walks in with a birthday gift for Tara but leaves sadly when he hears that Tara isn't there.

Sookie arrives in Dallas, steps off of the private jet, and waves cheerily at the driver who is waiting for them. She exclaims over the cuteness of the in-flight liquor and says that she calls them booze for dolls. "They gave me 10!" she slurs. The driver keeps urging her to get in because whoever hired him for what is now obviously an ambush wasn't able to find someone who is at all able to hold things together. Sookie reads the guy's mind and is shocked to hear him frantically willing her to get in the car. He lunges for her and Sookie shouts for Bill, who leaps out of his travel coffin. He is holding the guy by the throat in an instant and tells him if he makes a noise, it will be his last. Meanwhile, Jessica flails in the other travel coffin, unable to fight her way out.

Sam reluctantly shows up at Tara's party and is greeted by Maryann. She tells him to put Tara's mom's gift in the dining room. Sam dares her to turn him into a dog, which will reveal both of their true natures. Besides, dogs are cuter than vibrating women. Tara and Eggs are dancing enthusiastically and Tara is only slightly puzzled by all of the people present. Maryann sneaks to the dining room and throws out the gift from Tara's mom before retreating into the surrounding woods.

Bill is glamoring the driver and allows Jessica to take over so that she can learn. He instructs her to let herself be dead. Sookie says that he was very sweet with her. Bill suspects that the Fellowship of the Sun Church was behind the attack but Sookie insists that a church wouldn't kidnap people. Bill points out that churches have done much worse.

Jason smugly returns to his dorm to pack. He informs his bunkmates that he's been called to the holy army and he'll be staying at Steve and Sarah's. The other campers aren't impressed since that's why the came there. 14 guys and 4 girls were called up, as well. The only unusual bit is Jason's lodgings, but Luke knows that that's because Sarah has the hots for him. Jason insists that she's married because you know how all married women are completely blind to other men that carouse with their shirts off.

Sookie and Bill are checking into their hotel, which boasts being the most vampire-friendly in Dallas. Bill explains that they need an adjoining room for...what should he call Jessica? Sookie suggests that he call her his ward. Meanwhile, his ward is still glamoring the driver and tells him that all of his worst nightmares are going to come true if he doesn't shout something obscene. "She's new," explains Bill.

At the party, Maryann is vibrating and chanting and maybe summoning something. The guests get increasingly freaky, including Eggs and Tara who make their way upstairs.

Lafayette is still watching TV when Eric swooshes and appears at his window. Lafayette is terrified and refuses to invite him in, but Eric points out that he can smell the infection that is already in Lafayette's leg and he needs the healing elixir of his 1,000-year-old blood. YUM! Lafayette finally relents and lets him in.

Bill is trying to repair the damage that Jessica did to the driver. She can't help because she's on the phone. He finally calms him down and insists that none of his worst fears are coming true. The driver relaxes and tells Bill that the Fellowship of the Sun Church did, in fact, hire him. Bill feeds him a story of how they never arrived and it's not the driver's fault, which sets him at ease.

Lafayette feeds hungrily on Eric's wrist while Eric watches TV. Eric smacks Lafayette when he's had enough and answers a phone call from an upset Bill, who tells him about the ambush. Bill wants to know why Eric didn't warn him and Eric nonchalantly explains that he wasn't sure if it was them. Thanks, dude! Lafayette hops up, healed and then some. He feels so good, he starts humping the furniture, the fireplace, the floor. Eric, seeing that Lafayette is feeling better, says that he's gotta run.

Jason is unpacking his bag in his room at Steve and Sarah's. Sarah saunters in wearing her little negligee and asks Jason how he's getting situated. She asks if he's nervous and admits that he is, a little. He hasn't been in a place this nice before. He asks if he's the only one staying there and Sarah says yes because the army dorm only sleeps 14. Plus, he's the best one, the soldier that they have the highest hopes for. Jason promises to try not to disappoint them. Sarah tells him to let her know if he needs anything and that she'll be in her bedroom. At the end of the hall. With the double doors. And the bed. And the ready-to-be-creepily-adulterous vagina. That one. That's where she'll be. Yep yep.

Sookie and Bill are making out when there's a knock at their door. It's Eric and he needs to talk to Bill right away. He leaves Sookie frustrated. Eric and Bill talk about the ambush in the hotel bar. Bill orders a True Blood for the sole purpose of making Eric pay for it. I like when Bill lets his inner bitchface out. Eric is calm but is obviously freaked out over this whole situation. The kidnapped vampire is twice as old and very powerful and if he could be abducted then none of them are safe. Bill again pushes for Sookie's release from her obligation but Eric notes that this is for Sookie's sake, too. If the kidnapped vampire is harmed or not returned, then his minions will start attacking humans. "Open aggression? That's insane," says Bill. "That's Texas," says Eric.

Sam and Daphne are eating in the kitchen at the party. They eventually start kissing but Sam wonders if it's a good idea. Plus, he has to tell her something. Daphne insists that he doesn't need to, then leans in and whispers, "I know what you are." Well, that could be anything, Daphne. A dog, a Scorpio, a Democrat. Put up or shut up, woman! Meanwhile the orgy is really picking up speed and I would not be at all shocked to find an animal-filled wicker man in the back yard on fire. Tara and Eggs and Eggs' rock-hard butt have sex while Maryann vibrates. Suddenly, everyone starts smashing food on each other, their eyes turning black. There's cackling and dirt-eating and this party is either not going well or going way too well.

Sookie browses the pr0n selections on the TV, which include plenty of vampire-friendly selections and something called Co-Ed Chowdown. There's a knock at the door and a bellboy delivers a straight male, B negative for Jessica. Sookie wonders what to do and how old the guy even is when the bellboy answers, "He's 21." The two engage in some telepathic banter as they realize what's going on. The bellboy, Barry, panics and runs and Sookie goes after him.

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Just Shireen

"Are you going to leave or do I have to throw you out...through a window...that is not open?." Oh Vampire Bill, you so silly.

And the ready-to-be-creepily-adulterous vagina. That one. That's where she'll be. Yep yep. This line might have had me cackling out loud at work.

Rebecca (Bearca)

Your True Blood updates rock. That is all.


Great recap Kdiddy! I had a great time watching last night. Lots of lol’s. I’m so glad that Lafayette is back to himself. He’s my favorite character. I really want to start calling everyone ‘hooker’ but my grandma was all, ‘ummm…no’ so whatever.

The party was wonderful. If I had a dollar every time my party goers started munching on some tasty dirt I’d have at least, well no dollars. But I always have the future and I believe in having goals.

By the way, during the party I kept being reminded how bad having room mates sucks. Throwing a massive orgy the day after moving in to best friend’s house while friend is away; Miss Manners says, ‘Hooker, please. That crap is wack’.

Suzy Q

Even though I haven't seen the full ep yet, I just couldn't resist reading your recap. These are almost better than the show itself. I heart you, kdiddy!


"Then explain Europe!" Hee!
From now on, all my friends will be addressed as, "Hooker."


Great recap!

And now, Eric will always know where lafyette is due to the feeding.


heh, glad I could be of service!


thanks, lady!


"I kept being reminded how bad having room mates sucks."

seriously! I forgot to point out that this was Tara's FIRST NIGHT there and she throws an orgy. Sookie is going to kick her ass.


aw, thanks!


Hooker has a certain sweetness to it.


oh, you're right! I forgot about that aspect of the feeding relationship. I wonder how that will play out.


Awesome recap - love that someone is talking about this!

Hey, did anyone notice that one of the porn selections on the screen in Sookie's hotel room was "Fangbangers" and it had a picture of Jesus Camp Steve? I'm nearly certain that's what I saw.... a piece of the kinky puzzle in that relationship?


ooohhh, I didn't notice that! I watched a clip of that scene just now and the picture was kind of fuzzy, so I couldn't tell for sure. if it was him that will be deliciously scandalous!

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