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Weeds Recap

Weeds_lounging2 Nancy is at a women's clinic with Andy for a check up. While Nancy scrunches her nose at a fellow patient's Egg McMuffin, Andy mutters about how the thing that freaks him out most about women is how our periods sync up in a most wolfish manner. Nancy gently lectures the girl about eating the unhealthy breakfast sandwich and how it can't be good for her baby, but the girl shrugs and says that she's not having the baby anyway. Andy nods knowingly and says, "Ah. A-bo-bo? Hoovertown?" Andy seems like the last person that I would want to have a conversation with regarding my reproductive choices. Well, no, that's not true. Scott Roeder and his arsenal is probably the last person, but Andy's way down at the bottom, that's for sure.

It turns out that Alanis Morissette is the ob/gyn at Nancy's clinic and I'm trying trying trying not to say it...errrgghhh...won't do it...it's too obvious...oh, no, here it comes...ISN'TITIRONICDON'TYATHINK? *pant gasp pant* Sorry. It just came out. Anyway, Nancy moans that the smells surrounding her are far too unpleasant because she's surrounded by men. Then, as though the thought just occurred to her, she asks Dr. Morissette how much more time she has to get an abortion. The good doctor says that she still has some time so Nancy thinks about this. In the meantime, Dr. Morissette recommends that she create an oasis for herself, maybe get some herbs to help with the smells. Hey, Nancy has plenty of access to herbs, right Nance? Heh.

Shane is outside of the house with Isabel and is swearing and throwing rocks at some bottles and flower pots. Ignacio stomps outside and shoots the rest of his targets and grumbles about rich, white children and their pouting. But Isabel explains that Shane's teacher ripped him off. "What are you going to do about it?" asks Ignacio. I guess revenge had never occurred to Shane or Isabel, indicating that they had some smidgeon of innocence left, but eh...fuck it.

Nancy and Andy arrive home with boxes of fresh herbs. Andy is pushing Nancy to go for the abortion, noting that he's about to come into some money and they could make a fresh start in Copenhagen like he suggested weeks ago. Nancy's not really in the mood to discuss the contents of her uterus or the possibility of flight with him. Can't really blame her.

Doug and Silas are at their shop and the cop that's wiggled his way in to be his partner is doing some weird semi-pop-locking dance. Silas is mildly panicked because they essentially do not have any stock to sell. The cop says that they should go see an agent that he knows, and Silas is surprised to learn that such a creature exists. The cop explains that agents are better than regular dealers because stoners usually aren't good at math and Doug notes that math is, indeed, hard. Doug insists that he go with Silas to aid in negotiations because no one will take a blonde man seriously. Immediately after stating this, Doug tries to smoke a joint that is stuck in that spinning dry cleaning thing and gets stuck on it. How could this business venture possibly fail, right?

Nancy is working on planting her herbs and goes to the garage for supplies where she finds her old pal, Celia. Nancy wearily begs Celia to get out of her life but Celia cites all of the ways life has taken a shit on her and not Nancy. "And now a baby. A Mexican baby, but still," she says, sweetly (snort). Nancy calls Celia her own personal albatross but agrees to let her stay in the garage for two days, provided she doesn't see Celia at all. Celia agrees and makes one last request: to get back her old job at the maternity store. Uhh, way to be abreast of current events, Celia.

Shane's immoral English teacher is at home, playing his Theremin, when Shane and Isabel bust in brandishing what is pretty obviously a fake gun. The teacher scoffs at them and tells Shane to get out before he kicks his nards in. Nards is a seriously underused word in the English language. But Ignacio busts in and punches the teacher in the kidney. Shane stands over him and snarls, asking if he remembers when they learned about point-of-view. From the teacher's point of view, Shane is just some kid that he can rip off, but from Shane's point of view, he's just some teacher that he once had who ripped off the wrong kid. Ignacio instructs Shane and Isabel to grab the weed plus some other items for compensation, including the teacher's Theremin and Ray-Bans. Then he tells Shane to shoot him, the teacher, in the leg, but Shane shoots the teacher's bird, which upsets Ignacio very much.

Silas and Doug are meeting with the marijuana agent who eyes them and says that they don't strike him as a very serious duo. Doug scoffs and says that they're as serious as a Sean Penn movie. That line made me pee a little and I will be using it heavily from now on. The agent explains that the cop is kind of an idiot (duh) but they were friends when they were little because the cop's mom always had pudding pops. "Fucking LOVED pudding pops!" exclaims Doug. And he's right. Pudding pops are rad. Anyway, the agent says that he must be the one to stock everything in their store. Silas says that that's perfect and he and Doug shake hands with them. Then the agent goes on to explain his various fees. Doug slams a box on the table and says, "NO DEAL!" The agent slams his laptop closed and Doug says that it's dangerous to do that on such an unstable operating system. The agent says that they're done and in walks a gigantic dude with a gigantic sword. Suddenly, Doug reigns in his impressive negotiating skills and asks if they validate.

Celia putters around the garage. She opens the chest freezer and instead of finding ground meat and casseroles, finds herself staring at a deceased Sucio. "DEAD MEXICAN!" she screams. I know that Celia's racism is supposed to be funny but sometimes, like now and when she referred to Nancy's "Mexican baby," it makes me feel kind of icky. Not that this show doesn't have other issues...just sayin'. Anyway, she runs screaming to Nancy's room who pries her eyes open at the news. Nancy calls Esteban and says that she's still considering the whole moving in thing but also she ran into Sucio and he's looking a little...stiff. She asks him to please send someone to pick him up and tells Celia to keep Sucio company.

Andy is on his date with the bank teller, who is dressed in some mid-80s Laura Ashley monstrosity and has big hair. Andy says that he didn't know that they were going full period, but the teller says that her guild encouraged her to dress up. Color me shocked, but this maladjusted minx is an outgoing and popular mage in the online gaming world with a spell hit ratio that is off the charts! Getting back to the matter at hand, Andy-as-Judah and the teller cook their fondue meat and reenact the conversation that she and Judah had on their date. Andy quotes Catcher in the Rye just like Judah would have and the teller moans that she wants him to take her virginity.

Nancy continues to work on her oasis by hanging up some wind chimes. Man, I hate wind chimes. She hears the sci-fi whine of the Theremin and enters Shane's room to find him playing said instrument and Isabel wearing the liberated Ray-Bans. They explain that Shane's teacher jacked him, so they jacked him back with Ignacio's help. "You helped?" she asks Ignacio. "You're welcome," he smiles. Nancy whiens that Shane was a good kid and now he's robbing his teacher. Ignacio snots that he's so sorry that he exposed him to crime...for the first time. Nancy grabs Ignacio's iPod and sticks it in the yogurt he's eating. Unfazed, Ignacio pulls the iPod out and licks the yogurt off of it. Ew.

Silas and Doug are at the shop painting. Doug calls Silas over to see the dick-centric painting he made and Silas tells him to let him know when he's done being a total douche. They get into an increasingly heated name-calling battle, which ends when Doug calls Silas an orphan and a father-killer, and Silas punches Doug in the nose. Doug apologizes and they hug. "Sometimes I think I'm slightly retarded," sighs Doug, adding, "You didn't kill your father. Shane did." Ha! Realizing the awkwardness of their embrace, they part, all, "So...yeah. Anyway."

Celia paces around the garage when two of Esteban's "cleaners" come in. She peppers them with questions about the process, but they tell her to leave and maybe get some falafel. Celia insists on staying and tells them about her time in Mexico with Rudolfo. "Know him? Piercing eyes? Total vagina?" She quickly shuts up when she sees the vat of acid that they prepare.

Andy-as-Judah and the teller are taking a stroll on the beach, wine coolers in hand, and as they pass a group of homeless guys, she sighs that it's, "so romantic." She then tries to set up the reenactment of her deflowering, getting on her hands and knees and begging Andy-as-Judah to "stick it in." Ugh. Andy starts chanting, "Copenhagen," and does the deed while the homeless guys...uh...actively observe. UGH.

Shane and Nancy take the liberated items back to the teacher, along with an iguana as a replacement animal. Shane apologizes for killing his bird, but the teacher screams that Shane is getting an F and pushes him down. Nancy grabs a bat and pushes the teacher down, holding the bat to his throat, explaining that he's an adult and he's the one in the wrong. She also grounds Shane, telling him that as part of his punishment, there will be no "tweetering."

Celia waltzes into Nancy's house and announces that she'll be taking a bath. Nancy says that she'll throw the toaster in with her, but Celia explains that she watched the work of Esteban's cleaners and took some pictures, so she's staying in the garage for as long as she wants. Oh, and she'll need some cash and some furnishings. Nancy looks resigned, but I don't know. Celia's pictures seem to just show a dead guy in a chest freezer. How would anyone know that it was Nancy's chest freezer?

Nancy's oasis is now a total failure. In addition to her new roommate, someone planted slugs in her herbs and now they're all dead. Andy sits nearby, looking a little traumatized, but announces that he got the money, but he now needs a shower and/or a sandblast. Nancy sighs about the most recent fucked up events in her life and wonders if it will always be Armageddon. Andy points out that it's all her doing. Crying, she recognizes this. Andy tells her to keep her baby, but that they need to leave. He tells her to write Esteban a note, explaining that if he loves her, he'll understand. Err, I'm not so sure about that, Andy. But he goes on to say that they're a family and they should be done with this and safe. He also says that he knows that he's the uncle, "But we could be more. I would like to try." Nancy leans on his knees, chuckles, and then says okay. Really?!?!? We see Nancy writing a note while Andy packs, but in the morning, Andy is the one to find a note while Nancy and Shane show up at Esteban's door. Hmm...

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Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy

I'm worried about Nancy showing up at Esteban's door. I hope she has a trick up her sleeve.

Suzy Q

I hate wind chimes, too. But this recap? Loved.

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