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Heidi Montag, Pratt, Whatever: The Joke Was Never Very Funny

Heidi_spencer_montag_pratt Heidi Pratt (née Montag) performed at the Miss Universe 2009 pageant last night, and, somehow, I don't think that she has gotten the joke yet.

Or maybe she has and I am just not giving her enough credit, but she is a punchline, isn't she? Whether she realizes it or not barely matters across a broader cultural context, though, because the joke isn't very funny no matter how you look at it. It's pathetic.

On the one hand, she praises Jesus on Twitter and thanks God for all her prosperity whenever she's in front of a microphone, and yet, on the other hand, this Jesus-blessed prosperity is partially born from her pimping out her own ass for cash and fame.

There's some cognitive dissonance going on here, which isn't surprising in a culture that has worked hard to marry perceived sluttiness with the wholesomeness of mom and apple pie to move product. In Heidi's case, it comes off as bubble-headed naïveté, by which I mean to say that it feels like she's the girl getting passed around at the frat party, talking about how she loves puppies without realizing that she's little more than an easy feel.

Last night, Heidi unveiled her first live television performance of her song "Body Language" amidst a Miss Universe 2009 pageant that was continually framed by the hosts' salacious comments about the steaminess of the bikinis or the prospect of the contestants' more dubious answers ending up on YouTube, imploring us to find gossip and controversy. It is no surprise that a contest begging for media space would have as guest stars two such seemingly misplaced celebrities as Heidi Pratt and Flo Rida, who gave his own eyebrow-raising performance by rapping about receiving blow jobs while leering at the contestants' butts. That's Classy with a capital C.

I am hazarding a guess that Mrs. Pratt's appearance on Miss Universe 2009 was won not by her talent for music or dance — the woman can't even handle simple travelling steps — but because she is a headline, she is tabloid material, she is a tasty mix of God-the-Father-sanctioned goodness underscored by a tight ass in a string bikini of which your father would definitely approve. She's been fashioned, wittingly or otherwise, as the naïve, good-girl stripper you don't have to pay with anything but your attention, and somehow it's okay to pretend the joke's still funny as long as she's still laughing.

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I started to go off, ranting. But...why? Too much of the world's energy is wasted on these people as it is.

Schmutzie - everything you said - 100%.


I respectfully disagree. I think she is some kind of performance artist. Eventually, she will reveal a much deeper purpose.

Admittedly, I don't even have a TV so that might be relevant. The pictures of her always seem like such a joke that I keep thinking they must be an intentional joke.


I kind of hope so, but I don't think it matters. I'm less interested in her and more interested in the public's reaction to her, which is pathetic regardless of her planned career arc.

I fear her deeper purpose ;)


I can't even get through the video...! Painful! The whole thing.... But, I have to admit, mildly entertaining in a love-to-hate kind of way. Really great post!


What is it going to take to get these people to Go. Away. Already. Just go away. Please. Augh!


Nice - maybe next time she can time her lip syncing better. Britney has nothing to worry about from this dolt.


It was painful to watch her stiff dancing that lacked confidence. Plus the dance moves reminded me of a high school drill team performance. Glad I missed the whole show.


Can someone give her a lyp syncing lesson? B/c that was painful.


Yeah that video was cringetastic for sure.

Lots to chew on here, Schmutz. The contradiction inherent in what our culture (and its Entertainment industy) offers up as an ideal, ie: "perceived sluttiness with the wholesomeness of mom and apple pie" never ceases to astound. How does that work exactly? The fucked-upness of the collective American psyche in particular -- whose Christian, Puritan roots make of sex something tinged with immorality and shame, while right beside that thinking the culture flaunts and revels in overt, bordering on obnoxious displays of sexuality. It's like we collectively gave up trying to make sense of it anymore. So in the end we have a society where the man who beats off to Heidi Montag's performance last night then goes out into the world and calls women who look/dress like Montag "whores" to their faces. UGH, HELP.


As soon as I saw the Heidi video on Yahoo, I immediately thought "This MUST be on MamaPop!" And it was! You rule. Miss Universe sucks, blows, etc etc.

sweetsalty kate

This is Yaz blasphemy.

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