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I Think I've Had A Brain Tumor For Breakfast

Heathers Hey! Remember way back in the late 80s when they made what could be argued was the best black comedy of all time and they called it "Heathers" and it starred Winona Ryder in a monocle? Well surprise! They just stole something else from your childhood, because currently in development at Fox is a TV show based on Heathers

But wait there's more. 

The details are a little sketchy but lucky for you it's me writing this and not some stuck-up person demanding evidence or corroboration or any of that other stuff that makes journalism majors get all excited. With me, you can be sure that I won't ever let the lack of information get between me and my scoop. I'm like Jimmy Olsen, only WAY more rugged and handsome and I totally did Lois in the server closet while Clark was out doing whatever it is that Clark does when Superman is around. Masturbating probably. That guy is so in the closet he might as well be a mop. Am I right? High Five!

But it would appear that both Winona Ryder and Christian Slater are set to be part of the Heathers TV experience in some way and I don't know about you, but I was pretty sure that Veronica and JD ended things when he blew up, and I don't mean to be a Nervous Nellie about the facts, but usually exploded = no more dates.  I guess that will be the writers second challenge. The first one will be "How will I ever reconcile what a talentless, idea-thieving hack I am?" That is a much bigger challenge I think. Also unknown to me is why they would call it Heathers when most of the Heathers are dead. I can't actually remember. Maybe they all died. I'm not sure. Doesn't Shannon Doherty live? What do want from me? The movie was like 20 years ago. Give me a break. This article may have been a bad idea. 

Stupid cult classic.

Also problematic is the movie's dialog, which pretty much MADE the film as awesome as it was. It was full of swearing, and teen sex antics, and underage drinking, and lots of evil teenagers and violence and that shit doesn't fly in post-Columbine America. You can't shoot people at school and then not get arrested because "they were just blanks." People are all stuck up now. I miss the 80s back when sex led to STDs but no  one ever talked about them and you could still shoot people at high school. Plus cocaine. Those were the days. 

So I pretty much hate anyone who thought this was a good idea and Jenny Bicks and Mark Rizzo, who totally shares a name with that Rat puppet from The Great Muppet Caper so who can trust HIM, are producing it, with Rizzo attached to write. I hope someone puts drain cleaner in his orange juice. That would be half ironic and half funny and half fatal. So everyone wins. 

Someone else is making Heathers: The Musical too. But for me, that works. Singing and dancing would be perfect for the story. Obviously.

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"Fuck me gently with a chainsaw" - BEST.LINE.EVER


Agreed. Hopefully they can make a song based on that line in the musical. It just screams song & dance number.


No. No. No.


It's like they just kpt trying until they found the thing that would totally destroy my childhood. EFF them.


So very very wrong.



They cancel Arrested Development, and yet they can spend the money to front this unholy creation?


My first thought was, "They canceled Firefly but had the money ..."


NONONONONONONO!!! Leave it alone and find a new idea you talentless writer wankerhacks!!


That one works too!

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