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Oh My God, What Have They Done To Shakira?

She_Wolf_Video_Shakira Okay, first things first. The song this video I'm about to share with you is for, "She Wolf"? UNBEARABLE. Listening to it makes me feel like a cartoonishy cliched Old Person, one who might tell those damn kids to turn off that racket, because that's not music that's NOISE, dangnabbit! And while you're at it, all of you, get off my lawn! (Somehow my version of Old Person here is tinged with a hint of Gold Rush-Era Prospector flavor, I don't know why either).

ANYHOO. The video. Right.

I've never been a fan of Shakira, but this? Lawd. Shield your children's eyes and hold onto your lunch.

Let's just keep in mind that beyond the veracity of her hips, what this woman is known for is her DANCING.

THEN WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

Is she on drugs? Who approved this? I DEMAND TO SEE THE CHOREOGRAPHER. AND TO THEN EXPRESS MY DISPLEASURE BY PUNCHING HIM OR HER SQUARELY IN THE FACE.

Shakira, your 15 minutes called, and your time is UP.

[thanks, Angela!]







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Comments

BaltimoreGal

Is she a combination stripper/aerobics instructor having an epileptic seizure?
In all fairness, I watched with the volume off. I never thought she sounded good.

Bill Gookin

Hmm. Well, she's flexible, I'll give her that. And has great taste in clothing. Heh.

That song makes me want to stab my ears out. And I think you're making a BIG assumption that there was any choreographer involved in that video. Bleah.

B.

She looks like this really dorky stripper I saw once. She wanted to be seductive.

It was awkward.

Erin

Suddenly I'm about 1000% less embarrassed about my dancing at the Sparklecorn. What the hell was that crazy shoulder move?

JellyBean

Looks like a contortionist auditioning for America's Got Talent. Is someone having a midlife crisis?

Jennifer

Wow. That makes me very sad. I was never really a fan but the music she did for "Love In the Time of Cholera" was divine. "Despedida", in particular, was awesome.

I need to re-read the TB recap to cleanse the palate.

mouthy_broad (michele)

i think you said it best with "what was that all about?" b/c...there are no words.

and i like shakira.

Rob O.

Wow...

I agree that her movements are so oddly mechanical that she seems like she's having a seizure.

And her singing is so heavily, digitally augmented that you have to wonder if she's lost her voice.

kelly

hahahah I couldnt agree more!!! I heard this song on the radio a few weeks ago and wondered to myself, will this be one of those times where a song I find embarassingly bad becomes a huge hit?/ I dont think so... plus is she dancing in a birth canal?? (albeit a sparkly one?)

amalah

46 seconds in aaaaaaaand I'm out.

(And I want those 46 seconds back, oh my hell what the fuck bar bee que.)

Kelly

Yes, the first (only)time I saw this, I thought it was Lady Gaga. I finally realized it was Shakira, and felt very very sad. Your hips might not lie, but your music director, choreographer, and stylist did.

Erin

I have frequently done the Robot in someone's large intestine. Haven't you?

On the serious, I think she's trying to win back whatever she thinks Lady Gaga stole from her.

parmamel

I feel so violated. And there is no way I'm wearing my nude-colored unitard when I go out dancing this weekend. Thanks for ruining that for me, Shakira!

Whit

Is she okay?

Natalia Keenan

What's with the shoulders?

JennC

She's much less annoying in spanish. And like Rob O. said, is she having a seizure? WTF?

Liz

Ok, so did she really add a "gag me with a spoon" 80s teen move in there? um. NO!

Miss Lis

So as I understand through the clever symbolism, she is birthed, through a glittery pink vagina cave, has a seizure, and then becomes a low rent stripper?

hmmm.

Nicky

I think your "birth canal" comment is the funniest thing I've heard all day. Thank you!

Accidental Housewife

Holy shit. I think this was Heidi "...you're a nerd. And I would NEVER want to be that." Montag.

Seriously, I THOUGHT IT WAS HER.

Worst part for me: Shakira actually looks like she's enjoying it.

SciFi Dad

Sadly, Canadians are not worthy of seeing Shakira's convulsing stripper show.

Liana

Uh, yikes. I could KINDA tell what they were maybepossibly TRYING to do with those moves...but...FAIL. Seriously.

anne nahm

I think this video should obtain some sort of Rocky Horror Picture Show type cult status! Every part of it is jammed packed with all kinds of hysterical.

I mean, I kind of lost my shit when she howls in the vocals.

jamiegp

Did they dub in the voice of the ladygal from The Cranberries? I kept on waiting for, "Zombay Zombay Zombay." But I guess I'm mixing my monster movies.

Sweetney

Oh that's too bad. I'm sure if you did a search you could find it. If you wanted. Or, umm, NOT.

Account Deleted

you made it to 46 seconds?! i didn't make it past 20 before i almost threw up and had to go look at pictures of Vampire Eric to make myself feel better!

Chatty Cricket

Hilarious! I didn't know that Shakira dabbled in comedy...(I had to explain to my husband, who tuned in to watch over my shoulder, that this was not a parody but an actual video by actual Real Shakira) (he believed me until she howled at the moon. Awooooo!)

In other news, I'm TOTALLY PISSED that Shakira is wearing that black half bodysuit/iceluge combo outfit. Can I still wear mine on the first day of preschool dropoff? Or now is it totally passe? Does it make a difference that mine is charcoal grey? DAMMIT SHAKIRA.

Chatty Cricket

you mean when you go convulsing about town in a part Linda Blair type way?

Magnolia

Funnily enough I can see some of the tribal fusion belly dance moves in there, some of the shoulder rolls and the stop slow movements are -really- directly from them Look up Rachel Brice or Zoey Jakes for excellent examples of what is out there.

But yeah...she took tastes but not the -flavor- of the dance and..ew.

I agree..sparkly birth canal and 'there's a she wolf in the closet let it out so it can breathe'? wtf.

Magnolia

Zoe Jakes sorry

and here is a good example of Tribal Fusion

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3M05MtoJhgk

Somedayphd

I feel like that guy in Jaws, "Whaaaat?"

TinaBaby

Birth canal, huh? I was thinking more like a sparkly intestinal track. Considering how crappy this is, it seemed to fit.

Sarah S

Oh, my! That was disturbing.

Gray Matter

She's bendy. I'll give her that.

Fawn Amber

Well. She looks pretty. But the dancing... I can hear Simon Cowell's voice in my head when I hear this "The DAHNCING was HEEDEOUS!" LMAO.

mommymae

sparkly vagina caves ftmfw!!

sandra

i love this song and love old shakira. i like, songs in spanish when she first started. her stuff in english sounds like crap and her dancing in this video, i have to agree, is horrible.

Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy

Thank goodness someone is talking about this. I heard this song for the first time int he car yesterday and considered puncturing my ear drum with a screwdriver. Shakira should have stopped with "Underneath your Clothes." Hell, Shakira should have just stopped.

joei

I LOVE THIS SONG, i dont care what some jealous brinty beyonce-stans think.. this fanboyism thing is pathetic.. she does a sexy video and re-highlights all her hair blonde and fanboyist around become threatened.

Accidental Housewife

sooooo embarassed to say I was easily able to look it up on YouTube. Oh, and yeah, MamPop, us Canucks never get to look at your vids.

Accidental Housewife

AWOOOOOOOOOOOO...

Accidental Housewife

um what?

Sweetney

Yeah, the AWOOOOOO kind of makes me cringe and *almost* feel bad for her.

But then she does that wack shit pop-locking her shoulders and arms and all empathy just drains right away...

Rachel

I should have just taken your word for it. But no. My mother was right about me. I've got to learn everything the hard way. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go watch a Disney movie... and try to forget the last three and a half minutes. *shiver*

Sweetney

EXACTLY.

Fairly Odd Mother

She looks like those crazy people who can pop their body out of a straight jacket. And that nude body stocking is so disturbing. Oh, why, or why did I watch that video?

Sam

::headdesk::

I have been listening to this woman since I was in high school. I just keep telling myself that. I have to, you see, because my brain is refusing to connect that video and song with the Shakira who sang "Estoy Aqui" and "Ciego, Sordomuda" (which, hello, she did a live cover of mariachi-style, thereby further cementing her awesomeness in my book). It...it...it's like if someone from 1980 time-traveled to 2008 and had Michael Jackson pointed out to them. That same sense of dislocation and horror has blitzed my mind.

iambellaluna

I actually watched her making this video on MTV3 (tres...the spanish MTV) & really they didn't have good explanations for most of this crap. I don't really understand the sparkling vagina cave (which never even got the hint of explaining) but I know she ripped the fake-gold cage off of something she saw somewhere...I think it was a burlesqe show. I wish I remembered exactly what that "burlesque show or something" was for comparison.

Also, I absolutley hate that half longsleeved/full leg & bare nekkid side outfit—and the fact she's wearing two different shoes. Plus am I the only one who thought she was completely naked with just a belt and shoes at first glance of the cage sequence??

samantha

Stripper doing a pop and lock werewolf. ew. poor thing.

Fraulein Furioso

Wow, that was incredibly awkward. Probably the worst thing I've seen AND heard recently.

Maria

1. She looks like she's attempting to do Madonna. But not even Madonna can do Madaonna anymore.
2. Towards the end, when she put on her fringed little leotard, I thought we'd see the GOOD dancing - they belly dancing she's famous for. Nope.
3. It looks like she was strutting around in a giant, glittery vagina.

I love Shakira, I've been a fan since her first album, long before her English crossover. But damn. She needs to stop now.




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