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I Was THIS CLOSE To Being Eddie Vedder's Best Friend

Eddie_vedder I had it all planned out.

I would download Pearl Jam's new single, The Fixer, and the accompanying video. It would rock my balls off. I would fucking love it.

Then, I'd write an inspired post about how awesome it is. I would say things like "PEARL JAM IS BACK!" and "BOW TO KING EDWARD, LOWLY ROCK SUBJECTS!"

THEN, Sweetney would Sweetify my post by foisting it on Pearl Jam's Twitter and a bunch of Pearl Jam message boards and legions of Pearl Jam fans would bombard MamaPop. The stat counter would freak out like it was Y2K (or, you know).

THEN! Someone would tell Eddie about how awesome my review is, he'd call me up, we'd grab a couple cups of joe in humonstrous ceramic coffee mugs in some hip cafe in Seattle. We would have an instant soul connection and become best friends. Then he'd come to my house. We'd barbecue. We'd talk about Neil Young and Pro-Choice and Ticketmaster. IT WAS GONNA BE SO FUCKING AWESOME!

Downloaded the song. Hated it.

I'm speechless. 

And you know what? When you're writing a review, being speechless is a problem. And I'm not just being a snarky dick for the sake of being a snarky dick. I WANTED to love the shit out of this song. My homoerotic relationship with Eddie Vedder HINGED on my love for this song.

Oh fuck it. Here:

"Yeah, hey, hey / When something's dark, let me shed a little light on it / When something's cold, let me put a little fire on it / If something's old, I wanna put a bit of shine on it / When something's gone, I wanna fight to get it back again"


You defend it. Say one god damn good word about it. I'm all ears.

"When something's broke, I wanna put a bit of fixin on it" (YOU WANNA PUT A BIT OF FIXIN ON IT?!?) "When something's bored, I wanna put a little exciting on it" (Glad I don't own a gun.) "If something's low, I wanna put a little high on it" (... !) "When something's lost, I wanna fight to get it back again".

Eddie. It's lost, man.

Wait. This MUST be a case of Vedder letting someone else write a song. You know how Mick and Keith throw Ron Wood a bone here and there and let him write a "song". This must be a hippy dippy McCready masterpiece. Is that the deal? Someone. Help me. I'm stabbing my eyes with a fork.

Because Eddie Vedder wrote "Backseat lover on the side of the road / I got a bomb in my temple and it's gonna explode / I got a 16 gauge buried under my clothes, I PLAY!" And Eddie Vedder wrote "All that's sacred comes from youth / Dedication, naive and true / With no power, nothing to do / I still remember, why don't you... DON'T YOU!" And Eddie Vedder wrote "Sometimes realize, I could only be as good as you'll let me / Are you woman enough to be my man? / Bandaged hand in hand." And so on and so forth.

Now before some hostile Pearl Head asks me if I expect the band to keep doing the same thing forever without evolving, OF COURSE NOT! However, as a long time concerned fan, I hereby proclaim my right to stomp my feet and throw a fit when the same man who wrote Even Flow attempts to pen a line like "When something's broke, I wanna put a bit of fixin on it" and call it good. Seriously. Imagine laying that track down in the studio, nodding your head, and saying "Sweet". IN WHAT POSSIBLE WORLD?!?

And then the video:

Seriously? Check out the picture of Ed Vedder at the top of this post. Remember that dude? Did you see him when he performed Jeremy on the MTV Music Video Awards? When he lost his flipping mind all wrapped up in his mic cord. DID YOU SEE THAT?!? OK. So how then does that explosion of vital rocking superpower "evolve" over the course of 15 years into that wack ass Roger Daltrey move Eddie lands at 2:01 in The Fixer video? Tell me. Explain. State your case.

I'm dead serious. Tell me something good about any of this. I'm full of caps and loathing.

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38 Special would be proud of those lyrics.

Snarky Amber

Dude, I can't even finish watching. I'm sorry you're just now realizing the declining coolness of Eddie Vedder. My moment was when he came on stage at a Seattle music festival to jam with CROWDED HOUSE.


And I think Mr. Vedder was channeling Rick Springfield more than Roger Daltry there at 2:01...

Jesus, Eddie. Are you that broke?


oh, damn. that kinda sucks & makes me wanna rip up every piece of flannel i see today. my love for ed is now waning & i never thought it would. what the fuck in this world, indeed.


I thought you HAD TO BE making it worse than it was. But whoa. I should have never doubted you. I'm pretty sure Bon Jovi has taken over Eddie and is wearing him like a costume or something. There is no other explanation for this.


C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas Pearl Jam.


Don't you be dissing Crowded House.


Mais ce n'est pas tres magnifique.


I think it's very nice of Mr. Vedder to express his willingness to make things brighter, shinier, hotter and more exciting. His stated desire to actually fight in order to retrieve things? He's got the kind of can-do attitude we're looking for in the competitive but rewarding world of network marketing.


Well, you're here now. Nice to see you.
It officially happened to me with "Vitalogy" but unofficially happened to me when 'rock' stations started playing "Yellow Ledbetter" 24/7. I HATE that song.


AGREED. At least Neil Finn was in Split Enz.


To quote Palinode "Don't you be dissing" Rick Springfield!
I mean, he's like 60 and his act is from the early 70s- late 80s. !


I couldn't even stand to watch it all the way through. To tell you the truth, I'm very relieved to read this. I absolutely thought that Eddie Vedder had to be cool, you know HAD to rock. So, if I didn't like it, maybe I was so freakin' old that rock had finally passed me by. But no, I still rock. That song is entirely crap.


He may as well sign up to be a guest judge on American Idol. He could even pen the song for the finale.


I think the video makes it worse than it is. Pearl Jam's last album was incredible, and I refuse to loose faith in them just yet.


...or lose faith


*phew* so glad I'm not the only one who thinks the song is C.R.A.P.

I'm not a diehard fan, but have always liked them. Saw them in Seattle back in '01 (I think it was) and damn were they good.

WTF happened Eddie? Why are you try to get your rock on in such a pitiful manner. This is the shit that makes teenagers laugh at us when we talk about "bands from our youth" - don't make us a joke Eddie, please.


"When something's broke, I wanna put a bit of fixin on it" (YOU WANNA PUT A BIT OF FIXIN ON IT?!?) "When something's bored, I wanna put a little exciting on it" (Glad I don't own a gun.) "If something's low, I wanna put a little high on it" (... !) "When something's lost, I wanna fight to get it back again".



PS: Pearl Jam's performance of Jeremy, 1992 VMAs: http://en.sevenload.com/videos/RJoVnUV-Pearl-Jam-Jeremy


I will third that - Crowded House (or at least their first album) is a force of good in the world. No shit.

Backpacking Dad

I don't understand the problem. Admittedly I didn't watch the video, but the lyrics read like a blog post I wrote once. If somethin' is broke I really DO wanna put a bit o' fixin' on it.

Wait, Eddie Vedder scraped my blog???? What a fucking degenerate.

Snarky Amber

Whatever, hater haters. You weren't there. It was vicariously humiliating. But then The Shins played and it was all better.

Snarky Amber

Dude, thank you for posting that. The best palate cleanser. Off to go listen to Ten nao.


Okay, this might sound crazy, but maybe it's the CUBS fault? He wrote this totally genius song for them last year and then they crapped out like a bunch of assholes (as usual) in the playoffs. Maybe his soul is just too exhausted to care anymore?




Okay, you win at commenting. The End.


He always does. I feel like you should tweet some of his comments.


Remember the MTV unplugged when he all spazzed out and wrote "pro-choice" with a sharpie on his arm and chest?
That was awesome.


Well, there's 3:08 I'll never get back again. Note to self: take BHJ's word for it.



I LIKE this song. I want to write love, but, alas, I can't lie. But I reallyreally like it.

This from a girl who Pearl Jam has molded...literally, Ten fucked with this 13 year old like nothing else, in the best way possible. We shared some amazing years, but alas, like you, I've been let down, album after shitty/mediocre album (Binaural broke my heart, not in the good way), since "Yield".

Fuck it. I like this song. Whateves about the lyrics...if I want to be moved by words, I'll read some goddamn Yeats. I LIKE that Eddie doesn't sound like he's shuffling towards the grave. He's got that gorgeous, gutteral scream back. He's having fun singing this song. I feel it, and it makes me happy to listen to.

I think he's still got it.

Haters. :-)


OOOooooh I forgot my best point (In my mind of course;). I love the way he keeps screaming "Fight to get it back again"......like, he knows he hasn't put out his best work lately? He's trying like hell to get back that shit we all love? Is there such a thing as song-block? Pretty sure that's exactly what he could be singing about. He repeats it over and over and over...I think it's significant, and therefore good song writing.

He may also be singing about the state of the Country after the last election, which I would also think is fucking awesome.


I don't know what you guys are talking about. That's one of the best John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band songs I've heard in years.


Thanks TwoBusy. I have no idea who you're talking about, but I have "Winona's Big Brown Beaver" playing in my head now.


Plus, Neil Finn can sing, while Eddie always sounds like a constipated sheep. Why no, I don't like Pearl Jam, why do you ask?


I'd like to see you sing like Eddie! Also, what makes you think you'd even be in the running for Eddie's best friend? I don't think he'd like ya.

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