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The 80's Will Not Die: Hauntings, Deadbeats, Arrests Oh My!

Michael_jackson Just when we thought we were out, they pull us back in. Oh, 80s musicians! When will you have done with your wacky high jinx?

Didn't grunge kill you? Then why won't you stay dead? Stop insisting on us to wake you up before we go-go. We're already gone-gone. And yet everywhere we look, there you are.

When did the alternative to making music become getting arrested? And good God, Michael Jackson rest in peace. You've got no business in LL Cool J's dreams.

Let's start with George Michael. Not once, but TWICE, in May and October of 2006, Michael was found effed up on drugs and sleeping in his car... IN THE ROAD. Yeah. Traffic going around him and he's just snoozing.OK, you do this once and it's a story. You're like "I was messed up so bad I fell asleep at a traffic light." and your friends go "Damn. Be careful, druggo. Ha ha ha ha ha." But do it again 4 months later and I'm sorry, you're an asshole. And I'm generally tolerant of addiction. But I also feel strongly that, if you're driving a car, you ought to be awake. I know. My bias. Get some help, George. One day a time. Blah blah blah.

So in May of 2007 he's sentenced to a 2 year driving ban. Then what do you think happens in August of 2009? He plows into a truck but that's not all. Michael is so incoherent after the crash that he can't even process what happened. It's like he couldn't even conceptualize cars or driving or the fact that he's a lunatic. But he's kinda tired so he tries to climb into the truck he just smashed like he's Robert Downey Jr. passing out in whatever apartment he can find.

Good God.

*

Next up, Bobby Brown. Bobby Bobby Bobby Bobby. Arrest warrant issued for being behind $45,000 in child support. He's supposed to be paying $5500 per month to former girlfriend, Kim Ward, but he's just not coughing up the dough.

First of all, $5500 a month?!?

But that was the agreement. Man, Bobby, when it comes to your kids, dude, it's just not your prerogative anymore. Stop being a schmuck.

*

Could we forgive ourselves if we didn't imagine these two in jail together? No, we couldn't.

BOBBY BROWN: George. Hey George. Over here. George? Dude you are so fucked up. George!

GEORGE MICHAEL: Huh? What's that, you say? Turn left? Bloody hell.

BB: Naw man, you're in jail. George?

GM: Wha?

BB: Dude. Remember the 80s?

GM: Yup.

BB: Man, me too. The 80s were dope.

GM: Did you say dope?

*

And then lastly, LL Cool J just recorded a song that Michael Jackson wrote for him in a dream.

"I had a dream, and homeboy wrote it for me in a dream. I saw it on a paper. I woke up and just jotted it down on paper." Seriously. That's a direct quote. Michael Jackson, not satisfied with his newly dead status, is busting rhymes in LL Cool J's sleep. Wanna taste?

"Number one in the world / Imagine how it feels / To hit up Sony for a billion on a deal / Buy out the Beatles / Tell Paul to chill / Too live to talk / Y'all read it in my will"

Eh. It's not so hot but I suppose dying will take a toll on your creativity. Not to mention a little something probably gets lost in translation when the dead leave notes in your sleep. Hell, I keep a pad by the bed but my dreams begin receding the moment I wake up.

*

The Ghost of Michael Jackson is being irresponsible. Wouldn't it be more appropriate to haunt George Michael and help him drive home or send some of that Beatles money to Bobby Brown's kid? I mean seriously. Does LL Cool J have a shot at relevance in today's rap game, even with Michael Jackson's help? I'm thinking not.

So what do you think? If Michael Jackson insists on scaring up the 80s, how should he do it? Be creative.







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Comments

mouthy_broad (michele)

"generally tolerant of addiction?" hrm.

i like how you wrapped up this mess---making lemonade out of lemons!

also--wtf with george michael? get it together buddy.

TwoBusy

I, for one, really enjoyed it when Bobby Brown spent some time in the prison a few miles from my house. Which I guess he may soon be visiting again.

Maybe I'll make him some brownies as a "welcome home" gift.

Palinode

I think Jackson's ghost should leap all quantum-like into Scott Bakula's body. He'll have to save Scott's marriage before he can leap out and get to Heaven. And it turns out it's not Harry Dean Stanton controlling the leaps but Dean Stockwell.

Palinode

I can't think of Bobby Brown without hearing the song that Frank Zappa wrote about him.

hoppytoddle

I loved this so much I laughed so hard I peed. So what if I'm 8 months pregnant. Then I tried to go to your blog, which I used to read all the time, but now cannot because I'm not one of the cool kids, apparently.

Now I'm trying to figure out who I would be responsible to haunt.




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