This Week in Nekkid "Celebrities"

Celebrities are funny creatures. They have fine designer clothing worth tens of thousands of dollars that people are constantly asking about with cries of, "who are you wearing?" Yet so many seem to have trouble actually wearing those clothes when there's a camera around. This week brought us never-before-seen nude photos of Twilight's Ashley Greene and High School Musical's Vanessa Hudgens, with both actresses crying foul and "thief." 

I should clarify that Hudgens's body has been seen before in nude photos, but apparently these particular photos are new, and Vanessa and her people are no less appalled about the release of these release than they were with the other ones. 

While celebrities who don't want to be seen nude are getting all this attention for being naked in allegedly stolen, personal photos that have been made public against the stars' will, Heidi Montag, not to be outdone in the attention seeking department, is in Playboy this month. 

There are, of course, some differences between the Greene and Hudgens photos and Heidi's situation. First, the pictures were neither taken for personal use nor published without her knowledge and consent. Oh, and she's not exactly naked because she wears bikinis and lingerie in all of them. There's also the fact that virtually nobody except Fleshbeard Spencerpants actually cares or wants to see Heidi's nearly nude body. Okay, so actually, the only thing that makes Heidi's Playboy spread worth mentioning in this article about the week in nude celebs is her singular talent for saying the most delightfully appalling things all the time:

From the Pulitzer-award* winning US Magazine: "Although the racy photos that made it into the mag are PG-13 (she’s wearing skimpy lingerie or a tiny bikini), she says she’ll strip down completely after getting more plastic surgery. 'The body is a beautiful creation. If anything, the reason I didn’t show everything is because I plan to get a few more upgrades.'"

Ah, yes, Heidi, the human body is indeed a beautiful thing, particularly when its every protrusion is modified by science to no longer resemble actual human parts and then Photoshopped into hairless, poreless, plastic oblivion. And then covered in mud or mineral oil for extra measure.

Now, we could spend hours taking apart that statement by Heidi in which she discusses the notion of the body as beautiful creation and the possibility of upgrading such a creation in the same breath. We could go on to have a deep, theological discussion about whether the human body is beautiful because God made it, or if it is in fact more beautiful that humans—made in God's image—can improve themselves through science to be hotter than God could have ever imagined in his wildest fantasies. And that would be totally fun and we should totally do that some time for sure, but I think we should table that discussion for later so we can instead look at these photos lifted from HuffPost and gag in unison.

*gag*

Okay, y'all have a good day now.

*'I'm actually not 100% sure US hasn't won a Pulitzer, but I didn't take the time to research. I figure if they did, it's a truthful statement, and if they haven't, then it's a funny joke. RIght?

Comments

[iambellaluna]

Totally gag-a-rific. I especially hate her face in that 2nd pic.

[BaltimoreGal]

Fleshbeard Spencerpants! Fleshbeard Spencerpants!

[DianaCLT]

She looks like Tori Spelling in that 2nd pic! HA!

She is hypocritical in every possible way. And a walking, talking oxymoron, too. Or...perhaps she's just a moron? ;)

[Gaby]

I totally thought she looked like Tori Spelling too! Haha.

[Natalie]

How come a piece that should have kind of said to VH and AG that "dude if you don't want to get your naked disney behind posted all over the internets stop taking pictures and sending them over totally non-secure lines and stop yelling victim" (deep breath) turn into dude Hiedi and spencer suck...we know they suck but she isn't saying boo hoo poor me (at least this time)

cause I totally hate their awfulness too but I think the more interesting story here are the "oh crap my naked sexy time pics got *stolen* please please don't look at them BUT continue to look at me now" twins

[JellyBean]

Heidi also said in the same interview she wants bigger implants for Spencer. I already think her implants are too gigantico for her small frame. What does the bible say about giant impants? I hope she gets constant backaches from her giant rack.

[Snarky Amber]

Hey, Natalie! You are totally welcome to write that piece and post it in your own blog, or read it in the gabillion gossip sites that have already pointed that out to Ashley and Vanessa this week.

[Bec]

Why why WHY do that horrible pair of non-celebrities "kiss" without REMOTELY actually kissing? Ugh, they are VILE

[AmyC65]

That would smudge themz lipgloss, silly!

[Julie]

Please tell me that by "upgrades" she means doing something about those dead, dead eyes.

[Erin]

Can Heidi not breathe through her nose? Her mouth is ALWAYS OPEN. Ew.

[Sweetney]

The only way I could be more repulsed is if Spencer was in Playgirl too.

Wait, did I just summon that idea into the world?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Snarky Amber]

*hork*

If this happens, I will hold you personally responsible and pray that you be banished to a life of contrition in a hell dimension where everyone but you is a naked Spencer Pratt. Go knock on something wooden and throw some salt over your shoulder, lady.