pop culture gossip community about contact archives subscribe advertise fine print bmc

« The VMAs: Win Vs. Fail, When Win = New Moon Trailer And Fail = Kanye | Pop Culture Main | Jamie Kennedy Calls Naked Jennifer Love Hewitt a "Pear Ass" »


'9' is Great if You Like Destroying Your Childrens' Psyches. Check!

9-movie 9 opened this weekend, and I'm not talking about the number after 8 but before 10 that was a real pain in the ass to multiply in third grade and I was all "Ugh. This sucks." and then Mrs. Hyde would beat the shit out of me because it was the seventies and who cares about positive reinforcement when it's still cool to hit kids with a stick? But yeah... the MOVIE, 9 came out this weekend. It was okay. You want to talk about something else.? Because I'm totally cool with that. 

The movie is about socks that get souls put in them and then they have to fight an unbeatable killer robot factory or something. Like if the Terminator was a building and you only had anthropomorphic sock puppets to fight it with. Good luck with that. I went to other review sites and everyone was all using big words and showing off the length of their English degrees and making clever puns about how the visuals were "sock-tacular" (not really...I just made that up...but you get the gist) but the story was flat and uninspired and other stuff that I don't care about because did you just SEE that shit? That was a weird Spider-cobra with the head of a plastic baby-doll that uses the disemboweled body of a main character as a hypnotizing puppet to destroy the other main characters. How awesome is THAT! My kids are gonna need therapy times infinity now!

So yeah, I never got an English degree so all I'm allowed to think about this movie was "Wow. That was fucked up." and "Pretty pictures!" and " Shit. We blew through that popcorn tub, didn't we kids? Kids? You can stop cowering now.  The horrible robotic skull monsters that scream like cats being neutered by a pair of hedge-trimmers held by a kid with little to no upper arm-strength are gone now. Who smells like urine? Oh. Both of you? Wow. You're Mom's not gonna like that too much."

Don't look at me like that. I did my time, yo. I sat through every asshole movie that featured a monkey or a talking dog, or an adorable animated [ANIMAL] for the last 14 years. It's about time someone like director Shane Acker came along and rocked the goddamn cradle. My kids were already to the point where they sing some weird Elton John-esque ballad every time I make them go to bed on time. Too many goddamn princesses and not enough soul-sucking metallic hell-bats as far as I'm concerned. Definitely consider this one if your kids are all sensitive and caring and loving because it's a hard world out there and someone has to show them that sock puppets can plot to eat your soul. Who's watching out for the CHILDREN is my point.







« The VMAs: Win Vs. Fail, When Win = New Moon Trailer And Fail = Kanye | Pop Culture Main | Jamie Kennedy Calls Naked Jennifer Love Hewitt a "Pear Ass" »


TrackBack

TrackBack URL for this entry:
https://www.typepad.com/services/trackback/6a00d8341c5d9653ef0120a56aefbc970b

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference '9' is Great if You Like Destroying Your Childrens' Psyches. Check!:



Comments

funda62

Oh my goodness. I thought I was the only one who got whipped for not knowing my 9's. Shudder. That is some bad memories.

Infinity Cocks

Maybe next he could make a movie in which the hero (a little boy) FINALLY gets the puppy he's been begging for for ages, and it eats his parents' faces off! That would really help me out with the kid and his relentless pursuit of Things That Will Shit In My House.

Just A Girl

Duh, didn't anyone ever teach you about the finger trick to multiply your 9s? You hold your fingers out and put the 2nd one down to multiple 9x2 and then you have 1 finger on the left and 8 on the right so you know the answer is 18 and putting your 3rd finger down gives you 27 and so on, but I went to school in the 90s so maybe this is a new finger trick.

Anyway, I don't have any idea what this movie's about but I wasn't gonna watch it anyway, I just wanted to help you multiply. You're welcome.

Sherri

yeah, when I saw this all I thought was...huh...animated dead bodies...scarey freaky skull creatures...lead characters that DIE left and right. Definitely for the kiddies. Neat colors though.




The comments to this entry are closed.

Read the Comments Policy »



« The VMAs: Win Vs. Fail, When Win = New Moon Trailer And Fail = Kanye | Main | Jamie Kennedy Calls Naked Jennifer Love Hewitt a "Pear Ass" »












Blog Widget by LinkWithin