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Giraffe Killed By The Comedy of Kevin James

Kevin_James_in_Paul_Blart__Mall_Cop When does the hurting stop? Why have we not risen as one to stop this plague of madness? And today, as we cope with tragedy, we must ask: how many lives must be lost before Kevin James is stopped from ever making a movie again?

Granted, it's not quite as wrenching as the events that took place in Chicago last July, when a perfectly innocent Sparklecorn was torn apart and eaten by an angry mob like something out of Tennessee Williams, but nevertheless I think I speak for all of humanity when I say that when a Kevin James movie kills a giraffe... society as we know it has gone too far.

According to Boston.com, beloved giraffe-American Tweet - whom you all undoubtedly know and love from his long and often controversial career, which included appearances in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls and a host (a herd? a murder? a buttload?) of Toys-R-Us commercials - was in Boston filming the new Merchant-Ivory Martin Scorcese cheesy vampire Kevin James extravaganza The Zookeeper when he suddenly went belly-up and died. Or the giraffe equivalent thereof.

Necropsy results are still pending, but I think it's safe to assume that this was an act of self-girafficide, brought on by the crisis of conscience that strikes many actors when they realize they've descended to the seventh ring of hell the point in their careers where filming a Kevin James movie seems like a good idea. The film features veteran comedian actor guy James as a lonely zookeeper who is more comfortable talking to animals than people. Allegedly, the voice of the giraffe was to be provided by Cher, which also may have been a contributing factor to Tweet's now-understandable decision to choke to death on his own 20" tongue. 







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Comments

BaltimoreGal

Not a metaphor at all.




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