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Gossip Rag Wednesday: Desperate Yellow Impact Font Hookup Edition

This week's crop of tabloids, released to the newstands just today, and sanitized for your protection:

Intouch_weekly_jessica_simpson_john_mayer
DUN DUN DUHHHH!

Best thing about this cover? That photo of John Mayer. Could he look any more slimy and snickering? Also, is that a half 'stache [shudder], or did he just miss a spot wiping (okay, several spots)?

Us_magazine_sex_and_the_city_cover
Listen, I was just as much of a fan of Sex and the City the series as the next gal, but lord was that movie an unqualified stinker. It literally DEPRESSED me. I needed THERAPY. And even more medication THAN USUAL. And I'm supposed to get all super excited that they're going to unload ANOTHER helping of that tripe on us? The only person that news is going to make happy is my therapist. And the RANDOM ALL CAPS industry.

Rob_pattinson_ok_magazine
Rob smoldering risk smoldering all smoldering smolderingsmolderingsmoldering... Oh, I'm sorry, did you say something, OK!? I was, uhh, a bit distracted there for a second... cough.

People_magazine_brad_paisley_kimberly_williams_cover
Brad who? Also DELICIOUS BABY OM NOM NOM NOM!
Patrick_swayze_national_enquirer_die
Every single story on this cover makes me want to punch somebody. Nice going, Enquirer! KUDOS.

Kim_kardashian_khloe_kardashian_life_and_style_magazine
Unlike this cover, which SO doesn't make me want to punch people. Nope, not at all. Stabbing on the other hand...

Kim_Kourtney_khloe_kardashian_war_star_magazine
I suspect Kim so totally, like, jus jelus of Khloe and her remarkable ability to lose weight (25 pounds! EASY!) from every part of her body EXCEPT her boobular area. I think that's where this entire family's talent is. In the chesticular region.

Bill_clinton_parkinsons_disease_globe_magazine

I have some special love for Bill (he gave me a hug once, at a White House press corps picnic, and I seriously just about melted. If he could bottle that charisma and sell it, every man in this country would be buying it and getting laid like crazy), so I'll refrain from touching that. Aaaaand speaking of things I don't want to touch, my god, will someone please get Regis Philbin a shirt? Or a tarp? OR SOMETHING? UGH.

Previously on Gossip Rag Wednesday...

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Comments

PomJob

You can have Rob, I'll swoon over Brad.

ravenlynne

Can I please have Kim Kardashian's body for just one day? Just one? I realize more than that is ridiculous after having just had twins last year...

That doesn't even look like Star Jones in the face...

makyo

i just can't get over that couple brad and kim named their son huck. HUCK. that's ridiculous. like, i get it, you think mark twain's cool, but come on.

DianaCLT

Just think how much fun his classmates will have playing the Name Game with him:

Huck Huck bo-buck
Banana fanna fo-...

Oh. Um. Oops. Yeah, the Paisleys have pretty much set young Huck up to have crap and humiliation be his youth.

Snarky Amber

Isn't Khloe Kardashian pregnant? Not that Life & Style is a paragon of taste, but posting a pregnant lady talking about losing 25 lbs WHILE SHE IS STILL ACTIVELY GESTATING A CHILD IN HER UTERUS is kind of a weird editorial choice, IMO.

JellyBean

Why does break-up = collagen lip injections for Jessica Simpson? What did Kim Kardashian do to her face? I know she lost weight and dyed her hair, but her face just looks so different. I could have happily lived the rest of my life not knowing the Regis has stomach hair!

jenny

Kourtney is the pregnant one. I think I watch too much tv.

indycitygirl

Regis without a shirt this early in the AM,my day is tainted with that image..Patrick in a wheelchair makes me so sad...Bill Clinton will forever be loved by me




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