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Gossip Rag Wednesday: Gape-Mouthed Vampires Edition

This week's crop of tabloids, released to the newstands just today, and sanitized for your protection:

Ok_magazine_usa_robert_pattinson_wedding

Oh my god, they're going to have a Best man *AND* bridesmaid?! NO WAY. You're right, OK!, this IS going to be the wedding of the year!

PS: WILL BOTH OF YOU PLEASE KEEP YOUR MOUTHS SHUT IN PHOTOS ALREADY? GAWD. (Sorry, personal pet peeve. Stupid fly-catching vampires.)

Us_magazine_patrick_swazye

RIP. sniff.

Starmagazine_jennifer_aniston_gerard_butler

Why does everything have to boil down to babies? (Mmmm... boiled babies...) (Sorry, kidding. I'm not that hungry.) But seriously, is Jennifer Anistons's biological clock sitting on some tabloid editor's desk somewhere, and OH MY GOD THE INCESSANT TICKING. LET'S GET THIS GIRL KNOCKED-UP, ASAP! grumble.

People_magazine_patrick_swayze

Sigh.

National_enquirer_patrick_swayze1

BURT REYNOLDS NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Life_and_style_lindsay_lohan_sister

The pairing of Fall's Lipo Jeans with ANGELINA'S SCARY SKINNY is too perfect. Nice editorial & layout job there, Life & Style. I think we're now seeing why you're a whole $1 less than Star and US Weekly.

Intouch_weekly_jon_gosselin_nanny

They had sex while the kids were sleeping? God, I should hope so. Because if it was when they were awake... eww. Just EWW.

Globe_george_bush_crazy

Will someone please explain to me what in God's name a "slay probe" is? Because that almost sounds worse than watching NASCAR.

I SAID *ALMOST.*

Previously on Gossip Rag Wednesday...

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Comments

Renee

Boiled babies. hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

When you find out what a slay probe is, pass it on. First time google has failed me, and it leaves me cold and scared.

Ariel

I LOVE reading the covers. It's all I've ever done, cause I'm too cheap to actually buy one to read. But reading those covers in the check out lane? One of my guilty guilty pleasures:) My husband laughs, but thinks it's cute, cause as he puts it "doesn't cost anything and doesn't cause cancer."
He even unloads the cart so that I can indulge. He's a keeper:)

Darcey

When I glanced at the cover with Lindsey Lohan, I thought a Demi Moore was standing behind her. And then I realized it was her little sister, Ali, who is STILL A TEENAGER. How did Dina manage to get BOTH of her daughters to look 30 years their senior?

Jocelyn

Biggest Pet Peeve of All Time: OPEN MOUTH FLY CATCHING!!

Easy on the NASCAR, some of us like it. (That would be Jeremy Mayfield suing his step mother for wrongful death. About three years too late. Freakin' meth head.)

Karen

OMG, Robert Pattison is so creepy in that picture. Maybe he's the best actor to play a vampire because he really is the best embodiment of Living Undead there is.

Close yer damn mouth, Robert.

tonya

Really Enquirer? You couldn't have found a better picture of a man that just passed away then one that's flashing his belly?

I really wish they'd leave the Travolta's alone. Unless of course they are involved in that slay probe...

brandi

Can we talk about how Katherine Heigl's baby girl adopted a special needs child? Nice copy editing, US Weekly.

AmyH

And since when is 250 pounds on a man something that is considered "life-threatening?" I watch the Biggest Loser just as much as the next gal and 250 pounds seems to be the GOAL of some of those men...

stacy in europe

I live overseas. Is it bad that I really want to own and read each and every one of these magazines? *hangs head in shame* Googling is so time-consuming. I never bought them when I was in the US, but I did stand in the longest grocery line so I could read them..... sigh.




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