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Gossip Rag Wednesday: The Spice Must Floooow Edition

This week's crop of tabloids, released to the newstands just today, and sanitized for your protection:


Okay, so you may recall my annoyance last week about the tabloids and their circling of Jennifer Aniston's womb like ginormous, yellow Impact font-bearing vultures. And indeed, I AM quite peeved. But what I really want to say about this cover is HOLY SHIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH JENNIFER ANISTON'S HEAD AND DID SHE GET INTO THE SPICE? (IT MUST FLOOOOOW.)


"Inside her meltdown"? Really US? That's how you wanna play this story? You're going to be THAT callous? Fine. Your call. AND I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL.


Admittedly it's a small picture, but holy kriz-zap, did Pam Anderson get EVEN MORE plastic surgery done? Because something's no right about that photo. And I'm thinking that not-right-thing is HER FACE.


Nummiest Family EVAR. OM NOM NOM NOM.


Toby Keith and Pat Boone are on Obama's "Secret Enemies List"? Huh. Do you think the list includes non-human enemies -- like badgers and moose? I mean, if he's gonna be completely cuckoo for cocoa puffs, why restrict himself, right? Phhhbbbtttttt.


Let's hope stabs her in the back is being used as a euphemism here. Because as those of us who watched the interview in question are well aware, Ms. Whitney will bludgeon you unconscious with a telephone quicker than you can say "crack is wack." Betch ain't messin'.


Kelly Osbourne: How I Lost 14 lbs. In 3 Weeks: Breakfast: black coffee. Lunch: unflavored rice cake. Dinner: head of iceberg lettuce sprinkled with laxatives. IT'S A MIRACLE DIET!


They "no longer want the same things"? Like what -- money, fame, power, world travel, universal acclaim and adoration, and an army of nannies to care for your adorable brood of children? Yeah Brad, I mean, who'd want THAT?

You know what Brad, I think it's about time you break Angelina off and get some Man Time -- go on a vision quest, focus on You and your needs, and find yourself (ie, develop a nasty drug habit, start picking up prostitutes, join a drumming circle, develop your own energy drink -- you know, live a little!).


Previously on Gossip Rag Wednesday...


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You made my Weds, thank you. And apparently I've been out of the loop for most of this, who knew the Kardashians could find love?

Suzy Q

You know what surprises me? That there are SO MANY of these gossip rags. And that so many people read them regularly.

The only time I buy them is for someone who is sick or hospitalized because that is the perfect time to focus on whether or not Aniston ate a sandwich.


So, OK. Did Kelly Osborne lose 14 lbs in 3 weeks or 4? Which rag are we to believe? Because you know, they all spew the absolute truth. Can the Kardashian sisters please all go away for a really, really long time? I've never seen people get paid more for doing less - well, unless your the Pratts or the Hiltons. Ugh...


Trish, I was thinking the EXACT SAME THING! Also, I think I've lost count of how many times Brad and Angie were breaking up and Jen was pregnant. Can't they find something interesting to make up?


So about this "silencing Toby Keith" thing. Can't someone make that happen for real? Man, that would be AWESOME.


OK, can't go wrong with a Dune reference.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

Best. Dune. Reference. Ever.


Looks like Jen is a walking advertisement for Bump-its...

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