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I Think The Twilight Phenomenon May Be Approaching Maximum Ridiculosity

Twilight_edward_bella_lunchbox I know, this is sort of like the National Weather Service issuing a tornado warning when you're halfway to Oz. Nevertheless, the number of people and manufacturers crawling out of the woodwork to grab a piece of the Twilight-related merchandise pie has reached a critical mass. If you don't believe that it's worse than any other popular film, maybe you should take a look at some of this crap.

Exhibit A: Twilight-Themed Test Prep Texts


If your kids don't really care about going to college but really like Twilight, maybe you should consider tricking them into studying for the SAT with Defining Twilight: Vocabulary Workbook for Unlocking the SAT, ACT, GED, and SSAT. Tell them to ignore that part in the book where Bella doesn't even want to go to college because she'd rather bang her immortal boyfriend all day and all of the night.

Exhibit B: Twilight Dildos


Hey, speaking of banging Edward all night, now you can take your own personal fantasies of banging Edward to new heights with The Vamp? The Vamp is a dildo made from very pale flesh colored silicone that sparkles in the daylight. Just in case you're worried about the authenticity of your experience masturbating with a vampire dildo, as many site visitors were, Tantus Direct updated the product description to include the following: "Yes, the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience." 

Exhibit C: Creepy, Life-Sized Edward Silhouette Vinyl Decal


After you get off with your synthetic vampire dong, you may wish to fall asleep with the peace—or unease— of knowing your imaginary vampire boyfriend is looking over you. And how better to simulate that feeling of stalkery lurking than with a 6'2" decal meant to resemble Edward's silhouette, paired with a decal that says, "be safe..." No lies, I just shuddered at the thought of waking up with this on my wall.

Exhibit D: If You Can Dream It, There's Twilight Merch Of It


Rule 34 of the Internet—"if it exists, there is porn of it"—soon may be replaced by the following rule: if you can conceive of a household object or personal effect, there is a Twilight version of it. The market is so saturated with licensed and unlicensed gear that a game started at Fanpop wherein one would suggest an item, and the next person would post a picture of a Twilight-licensed version, with a request for a new object. Twilight-themed items include a flask for keeping booze, makeup, a cigarette lighter and...wait for it...a tampon case. A vampire-related tampon case. 'Scuze me, I think my breakfast is about to boot.

Can a life-sized Edward Cullen Real Doll be far behind? Well, I've already conceived of it, so stay tuned, creepster Twilight fanatics.

source, source 

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Holy Dark Mother of Goth, this has gone TOO FAR. When even a Vamp-themed dildo sparkles, just... stake me. JUST STAKE ME, people. NO.


I thought The Vamp was too hilarious until I came across the immensely freaky Edward silhouette. Waking up to that would probably give my heart a jump start every morning. Bleh.


OMG, that FanPop list is too much. I am literally laughing out loud at the ridiculousness. My favorite is this cake: http://images2.fanpop.com/images/forum/40000/40950_1251144669167_full.jpg


Oh wow, I want to throw a twilight party just so I can have a cake like that.


I may or may not have snorted iced tea out of my nose at that picture.


The Vamp – Brills idea! So much better then the do it yourself with glitter and glue method. Kind of hard on the lady bits. So I’ve heard. Cough.

And that cake is the most awesome cake ever.


As a teacher, I've seen all kinds of test-prep crap out there, with every theme you can possibly imagine for all age groups so I have to give the Twitards a bye on that one. Anything that gets a horny teenage girl (or guy, if you like) to at least pretend to study for the SAT's is a good thing.

Everything else, though? Ridiculous.


Is that blood dripping in the background of the Band Aid canister picture? Don't people know they need to cauterize wounds and bleach/burn anything that comes near their blood lest their vampy friends fall into a frenzy of bloodlust?


To say nothing of tampons.


Perhaps because we were talking vampirism, a dear friend mentioned the Twilight dildo as we were having dinner.

"What, does it have Edward's face plastered across the glans?" I asked.
"No, much worse. The site advertises that one can put it in the refrigerator to achieve the desired effect."

I, who normally have a cast-iron stomach, came close to losing it.


I could NOT use the toilet next to that shower curtain. NO.

I know what they're thinking though. "If I get this Twilight lunchbox then maybe Edward would love me!"

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