Project Runway Recap: "Fashion Headliners"

  It is 10:02 P.M. and I am about to hit "play" on my TiVo, but I am looking at the episode title with a mixture of triumph and disdain because CLEARLY, I totally called the newspaper-fabric thing last week. But if I called it -- as someone who never even once correctly predicted the solution to a goddamn Encyclopedia Brown mystery -- then there are truly no surprises left in Project Runway Land.

NINA IS BORED, Y'ALL.

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES.

Credits: Christopher's little Miss America mouth-prayer hand gesture. Over it.

Johnny contemplates being in the bottom three (WORST. THING. EVER!), Irina says what we were ALL THINKING about Althea's hideous winning look last week, which totally does not improve with slo-mo flashbacks this week. She's kind of bitchy, but I agree with her, so bitch on, Princess. Bitch on.

Heidi drops some hints about this week's "black and white" challenge. Logan is thinking black-and-white films. But anyone who has actually seen the show is all, HAAAAAA.

They head to the L.A. Times and meet Booth Moore. Helluva lot of O's in that name. She breaks the non-news that they will be using stacks of newspapers (aka non-things-people-actually-read-anymore) as fabric. Grab! Grab grabby grab time!

Tim lays down the full rules: they can dye and paint and color their papers, muslin can be used as an infrastructure but cannot be visible, and we get a brief history of paper garments gaaaah stop trying to educate me, reality television.

Huh. Early glimpses? Look very cool. Finally a departure from cute cocktail Forever 21 knock-offs. This! ProjRun. THIS!

There's a weird bit of attempted character assassination, revealing that Shirin doesn't shut up and seems really young and adorashrill and bugs everybody...whatever, a lot of probably out-of-sequence spliced shots of the other designers appearing to glare in her general direction.

Ra&*^)@#mon is really excited about this challenge, and appears to be making...a tight short dress with a giant flower detail on one side oh my fucking god nooooooo. (He ultimately goes with a two-piece top and skirt, sans giant flower.)

Gordana is not using muslin and Tim loves her (and her garment) for it.

Althea (who has immunity) is disappointing Tim.

Tim is positively "woeful" about Johnny's kindergarten-craft-project-meets-Hitchcock-bird origami dress. He scraps it and starts over. Qua-qua-qua-Qrystil-edit....

Oooooh, Shirin. Just. Ohhhhhh. It's poofy and conceptual and AmyTim is CONCERNED.

Johnny -- who has completely re-done his dress in the wake of Tim's critiques, now with 78% more Mona Lisa Eyes! --  is making up some shit to his model about a malfunctioning steamer ruining the newsprint on his first dress...other designers immediately regard him with the Eye of Oh No You Didn't Stank. Then he does a crossword puzzle. Later, back in the loft, he tries it again, bald-faced to his fellow designers. An iron started sputtering water all over the place! Totally ruined everything! Gosh, he wonders what the judges will say when they hear his rock-solid excuse! Of course, as Nicholas informs us, there wasn't even a steamer in the workroom that day. There were, however, these things called "cameras."

I just noticed the most cracked-out magazine cover of Lindsay Lohan on the wall of the workroom. Oy. Perhaps she watches over them as the patron saint of Why We Wear Pants.

Carol Hannah has a Food Network Challenge sugar-showpiece moment where she needs to get her (predictably overworked and gigantic) ball gown off her mannequin and onto her model.

Althea gossips with Ra+Mon that she doesn't like Irina's design. She thinks it looks "easy." Which: No. I have no idea what it will look like on the runway, but nothing about Irina's trenchcoat looks particularly easy, or any less work than any of the other designs. I'm sensing Pretty Girl Queen Bee conflict between these two.

I have to say, I CANNOT pull off the slicked-back hair look like Heidi Klum. I look like Gollum after the Freshman 15; she looks like...Heidi Klum. Goddamn her.

WHERE ARE MICHAEL KORS AND NINA WHO HAS KIDNAPPED THEM BRING THEM BACK FUCK YOU LIFETIME I SAID FUCKYOU!

Ahem. Let's start the show!

Logan: As cute and well-fitted a dress as we've seen in any of the traditional challenges. I dig it. My husband emits a semi-impressed "wow." He was expecting Walking Compost Pile from this challenge.

(Ooh! In fact! I now have a seekrit gimmick! I shall pretend to type my own personal first impressions to the Runway looks but instead shall transcribe his initial reactions.)

(His third vodka-cocktail initial reactions, I mean.)

(He actually probably knows clothes better than I do, considering he buys most of mine, also my shoes and lingerie and OKAY, YEAH, HE'S METRO AND I LOVE HIM THAT WAY.)

Nicolas "Hmmmmmm."

Christopher. "Wow. Seriously wow."

Re'Mon. "It's nice and actually moves like fabric."

Epperson. *sucks in breath a bit* "That's...interesting?"

Johnny. "That's...that's...just no." (He then goes on to particularly bash the off-centered triangle in the center, because DUDE. YOU NEVER COVER UP TEH CLEAVAGE.)

Gordana. "I dunno." (DON'T BORE JASON.)

Carol Hannah. "That's kinda interesting, actually."

Shirin. "Oh. Sheesh. God. No."

Irina. "That's fucking cool."

Althea. "Eh."

Louise. "That is interesting. Different. But. Okay."

Tops and bottoms: Gordana, Christopher, Johnny, Althea, Nicolas, Irina.

They love Althea's. Okay. Shrug. Clearly there was a LOT of work involved in creating the color pattern, but the rest of the design is just...another basic tight and short strapless dress, and there's something fish-scales about it.  *cannot let go of irrational personal feelings about last week's inexplicable win grrrrrrr*

Heidi is bored by Gordana's dress wearability. Okay, I see that. But...while Shirin's I'm-a-Little-Teapot dress certainly wasn't "wearable," it was not nearly as well done as Gordana's muslin-free creation. I'm thinking the judges are purposely trying to snap Gordana out of this safe, middle-of-the-pack approach she's been taking?  Gordana admits she may have misunderstood the challenge and gone too far in making the paper look like a Real Fabric Dress.

(Here's Shirin's, by the way. It's like the bust was stuff with the Classifieds. Even if the judges really were after Art instead of Wearable Fashion, this thing had ISSUES, man.)

Irina's is awesome. I mean, it's just awesome. If someone made this out of newsprint-y fabric I would totally buy it.

Johnny TOTALLY DOES THE FAKE IRON EXCUSE IN FRONT OF THE JUDGES OMG.  Nicolas is like. METHBITCH, PLZ. He tattles with the Tim Gunn Report and Johnny thanks him for throwing him under the bus, duuuuuuuuuuude.

Thing is, the judges really aren't too jazzed about Nicolas' droopy cockroach dressthing either. Smug Johnny is smug.

Christopher's feathery ballgown is walking art and the judges are like, droooooollllwelurve. (I actually think this one looked better on the Runway than in photos. It moved beautifully.)

Althea is safe, as is Christopher...so Irina is the winner! Yay. I do love that coat. Also, SUCK IT, Althea.

(No, I don't know WHY I dislike her so much and admit it's probably not fair and rooted in my issues with her resemblance to Brooke Hogan and that goddamn banana ensemble she wears in the opening credits. STILL. THOUGH. I'm just not seeing what the judges see.)

Gordana is in.

Oh, SHIT. RUMBLE!

No, not really.  Nicolas is in, Johnny is out.

Backstage, Tim tells Johnny to go clear out his workspace, but instead of his usual open-armed, head-cocked, OH PUPPY demeanor, he's plucking coldly at his shirt sleeves. And the door has barely closed behind Johnny before Tim is all, NO FUCKING WAY DID YOU SEE THAT BOOOOOOSHIT, DAYUM., BEEEEATCH.

No, he actually says, "I'm incredulous at that utterly preposterous spewing of fiction that Johnny did on the Runway. It was ridiculous."

IT WAS RIDICULOUS, YOU GUYS. ABSOLUTE FUCKING BANANAS.

(Oh, and only now, post-episode, did I learn that Lifetime was hyping this episode as containing the BIGGEST LIE ever told in the history of the Project Runway universe dun dun DUUUUN! I'm glad I didn't see that, because what a let down. Hello, Keith stashing forbidden pattern books under his bed? Jeffrey possibly outsourcing the sewing on his final collection? Kenley's blatant Balenciaga and Alexander McQueen rip-offs? Don't try to pretend that the Bravo years never happened, Lifetime. Because they did, and they were real and true and I still believe in them sobbbbbbb.)

Next week: Um. Stuff. L.A.-themed stuff. Aaaand...sewing! Or something. Back to Generic Starlet Cocktail Dress Challenge Number 240384? God, I hope not.

Comments

[Jayme]

Did anyone notice that Shirin TOTALLY ripped off Anna's dress concepts from the Fashion Show??? It's the same freaking dress, except that Anna rocked it and Shirin's looked like ass. I obviously watch way too much "reality" fashion TV...

[mouthy_broad (michele)]

the moral of this story: don't mess with tim.

[BaltimoreGal]

Bitcholas and Whiny Johnny should have BOTH left. And I don't care for Althea's mean girl act, either.

[Suzy Q]

Shirin's dress reminded me of an "art" project I used to do as a young child in the '60s, perhaps in kindergarten. We would take Reader's Digest magazines, fold ALL of the pages EXACTLY like she did (which was time-consuming), then spray-paint them gold. Voila! A Christmas tree!

[Hil]

Jayme- Actually, I believe this episode of Project Runway was taped well before The Fashion Show ever came out. So I don't think Shirin's dress is a "rip-off" of Anna's. I DO think it was fug, though.

[Ang]

This episode was taped long before The Fashion Show (which sucked ass, btw). Also, it reminded me more of Season 5 ProjRun winner Leanne's petals. As a matter of fact, I found myself wondering if I was accidentally watching Season 5 re-runs instead of a new episode.

[funda62]

Another LOL recap. Thanks as always. I wonder if Tim had anything with Johnny going rather than the Nicholas? I didn't see cockroach on the runway but in that still wow, groooossss. I loved Christopher's dress and no Gordana shouldn't have been bottom three.

[Just Shireen]

Finally got caught up on Project Runway and your recaps make it that much better. Bless.