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Grey's Anatomy Becomes Yang's Anatomy And Other Predictions

Sandra_oh

Thursday looms. Grey's Anatomy returns. And this Monday column? Soon to be a Grey's Anatomy column. Why? Because Grey's Anatomy isn't just some fictional television drama about a hospital in Seattle. Grey's Anatomy is about you. And each week I'm going to probe the deep structure of Grey's Anatomy and uncover its general relevance to you, humanity, and our collective destiny. So it's like Greek myth. Only sexier.

I'm also going to reveal my little gift to MamaPop readers, which is that I can see the future. So each week I'll pretty much tell you what's going to happen next week. But for now, here's some general season long predictions.

My first prediction: Shonda Rhimes is going to find my in-depth analyses of Grey's Anatomy and mind boggling predictions about the show's direction and snap me up for a staff writer. But I'll always be grateful to Sweetney and Amalah for believing in me (except for that time I wrote about having sex with TV Moms and my future at MamaPop was hotly debated). I wonder what's it's like to be a Grey's Anatomy writer. I see myself in a conference room arguing with other writers. I'm clutching my head, because I'm passionate, and I scream "THAT'S THE IRONY! YANG IS A CARDIAC SPECIALIST... BUT SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A HEART... LITERALLY! EMPTY CHEST CAVITY. TOTAL MEDICAL ANOMALY!" I'd throw my coffee cup against the wall or something cool like that. Shon would give me a raise. Only I could call her "Shon".

SHOW PREDICTIONS:

Derek and Meredith. Really, who cares? Anytime these two sleepers appear onscreen, I'm either off to pee or make microwave popcorn. They'll break up for good and all of us will mutter "Finally. Now stay out of that fucking elevator."

Meredith's gonna die. Not sure how. I'm thinking she experiments with crack and her heart explodes the first hit. Or her appendix bursts but all the doctors read too much into it, thinking it's a rare stomach flu found only twice in New Zealand, and she dies. Then they change the whole show to Yang's Anatomy because Yang is so delicious. 

(God, I wish my name was Jon My. I marry Sandra Oh. She hyphenates.)

Derek's going to grapple with a vice after Meredith dies this season. Hookers. Derek's gonna get addicted to hookers. And one rainy night he pulls up to a corner and who's going to lean into his car and ask if he needs a date? Meredith's little sister, making a little extra dough.

(The phone is ringing. Probably Shonda. She'll call back.)

George and Izzie. They die. Greed, money, and pompous haggling. Which is a shame. In 25 years, look back on Katherine Heigl and TR Knight's resumes, and Grey's Anatomy is the brightest spot on both of them. Mark my words. You read it here.

NOTE: After I wrote this, my meddling wife told me that Izzie was coming back. This may appear to be a kink in my psychic powers. HOWEVER... SHE'S GOT MELANOMA! She's a goner, this season.

Yang and Owen. They're gonna make it. But Owen's mental issues are gonna get a lot worse before he gets better. He's going to become strange and abusive and everyone's gonna tell Yang to run for the hills. Yang will be confused by the contradiction between her feelings and all the advice until she finally snaps and screams at the whole hospital "ALL YOUR TOUGH LOVE BULLSHIT ISN'T ABOUT LOVE OR HELPING OR DOING THE RIGHT THING. IT'S A PROJECTION OF YOUR OWN FRAILTY AND INABILITY TO LOVE WHAT IS DIFFICULT. COWARDS. YOU'RE JUST A BUNCH OF FUCKING COWARDS WHO SEEK COMFORT IN GETTING OTHERS TO JOIN YOUR RANKS. WELL NOT ME. I... CHOOSE... LOVVVVVVVE!" Then she'll walk down the hall in slow motion toward the psyche unit and some indie band will be playing and you'll cry and cry and sniffle "BHJ. How the fuck did he know?"

Karev. This poor dude. Izzie's gonna die. And what was the deal with that lunatic he loved the season before? I can't even remember. She got a face transplant and forgot who she was or some shit. Whatever it was, Alex Karev keeps striking out and this season's gonna send him over the edge. I suspect he's going to start messing with chemistry, trying to invent a potion that allows him to cross the border between life and death and reclaim Izzie. But it goes completely awry. Like, Jeckyl and Hyde kinda shit and Karev's gonna cruise the hospital at night robbing innocent patients of their kidneys.

One day Karev calls in sick and the Chief stops by to see how he's doing. The chief, with a look of shock and horror: "KAREV! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF ALL THESE KIDNEYS?!? YOUR APARTMENT IS CRAWLING WITH KIDNEYS!"

Sloan and Lexi. This can't last. Lexi's character can't develop until Sloan smashes her heart into a billion pieces. Only then will she engage the level of soul searching required to give up her secret nights of prostitution. And Sloan's gonna screw it up. He will. He's that guy. As soon as he has something good, the irrational aspects of his character kick into high gear and screwing up becomes necessary. He'll cheat on her. It's totally given. And who doesn't want to see Sloan cornering Derek in the break room to confront him about his hooker addiction and have them both lose control like Ennis del Mar and Jack Twist?

Derek and Sloan have a super hot affair. There's all kinds of crying and making out and indie music. This is just me seeing the future. It doesn't make me gay.

Tucker. Bailey's gonna send Tucker packing. He's a total wuss for not letting her switch specialties. He's threatened by her intelligence and needs to go. Ultimatums are for people who lack imagination. Fuck Tucker.

6 HOSPITAL CASE PREDICTIONS:

Someone will wind up at Seattle Grace with something crammed way up their ass. Inevitable. I'd place my bets on a hand grenade or an iPod Nano.

Complete decapitation. But the chief will tell Bailey to put the head in an ice cooler and make sure the head keeps talking while the team works on the latest trends in arterial reconstruction. "BAILEY! DO NOT LET THE HEAD LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS!"

I'm seeing a pair of twins whose love for each other runs so deep that they demand to be sewn together into siamese twins. The ethics of such a procedure are explored. They ultimately perform the procedure when Meredith whines "In a world in which everything is torn asunder, here is a case of a yearning for communion."

Two brothers are in a car accident. One is in a coma with no hope for recovery while the other is in critical condition. The wife of the brother in critical condition was secretly in love with the brother with no hope. She convinces the team to perform a personality transplant. The ethics of such a procedure are explored.

This is the season where Derek drops his watch in a patient's brain and they wake up gay. Derek discovers the gay switch and realizes that homosexuality is not a choice, thus relieving him of his antiquated guilt for lusting after Mark Sloan. The people of California then allow gay marriage. The show wins an Emmy.

A patient is rushed into the ER with a self-inflicted shotgun wound. To everyone's befuddled amazement, it's suicide rocker, Kurt Cobain. Somehow, Seattle Grace gets caught in a wrinkle of time and the team races to save rock from the likes of Creed and Nickelback. Will they do it?

Tune in.

The fun begins Thursday at 8:00.







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Comments

Shannon

"Grey's Anatomy" changes to "Yang's Anatomy"?


Yeah, I'm down with that.

marty

Well then, I might actually like Grey's Anatomy again this year. If you are correct, that is.

Mrs Chaos

Hilarious.

Alyssa

ohmigod. Trying not to wake the baby up with my laughter. BHJ's Grey's synopses are going to be the best thing about this year. I can feel it.

I have a theory, though, that there is some deep-seated jealousy of McDreamy rooted in your obsession with him being gay. Your subconscious secretly lusts after Meredith and you want to render McDreamy impotent so you can swoop in. Except for the fact that you've predicted her death that's a perfect theory.

Agree that Yang's plotline is going to take over. Also predict that either Karev and Izzy will have a baby this season or Meredith and Derek will. There's nowhere else to go for those two couples. And they absolutely will not break Meredith and McDreamy up again. Not for like 10 years. Sorry.

Headless Mom

Hey wait! What about Arizona and what's-her-name?

sherry

Dear God. If you were one of the writers you could TOTALLY save this show.

The only thing that could make this prediction better is if somehow Alex went crazy BEFORE Izzie dies, and then he snaps and kills her. Then he regains his thought process and spends the rest of the season in the psych unit, grieving and wonder what has become of him.

Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy

This sounds spot on. Can't wait to watch it unfold. I hope the twins that want to be siamese are fraternal hermaphrodites.

TwoBusy

For what it's worth, this was desperately fucking funny.




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