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True Blood Recap: Beyond Here Lies Nothin'

Maryann_wedding_dress_true_blood This episode was...odd. Maybe that was the intended feeling. The aftermath of Maryann's demise was far too calm and things started going downhill fairly quickly.

In Gran's room, Sookie is still freaking out over coming upon Tara and Eggs' bizarre nesting ritual and being greeted by a zombified Lafayette. And Lafayette has quickly shifted into action mode in his new role and tells Sookie that Maryann wants her downstairs with the egg, tout de suite. Tara carefully lifts the egg and hisses that this means he's coming. The God Who Comes is coming. Well, for all of the destruction done in his honor, it's at least comforting to know that he believes in truth in advertising.

Of course, before Sookie can head downstairs, Lafayette has a little costume change for her: a wedding dress. After she's changed, Lafayette shoves Sookie downstairs. Maryann is in the living room, surrounding by female minions who make up her wedding party. Sookie is disgusted to see that Maryann is wearing Gran's wedding dress but Maryann wants Sookie to drop the attitude because she's going to be the maid of honor. We can see Sookie scrambling for a way to beg out of it as Lafayette gives a little golf clap.

Maryann_sookie_wedding_dresses_true_blood In addition to maid of honor duties, Maryann wants Sookie to zap her again because it was like nature herself was shooting out of her fingertips. Plus, it somehow totally cured Maryann's gout and split ends. Sookie protests but finally gives in and feebly tries with some half-assed "pew pew pew!" hand motions but gives up and shouts that she does not have electrical powers because she is a human being. Maryann knows better, though, and points out that if Sookie were human, she could turn her into a minion. She proves this by vibrating for a few seconds, which does nothing but weird Sookie out because, really, who could ever get used to that? Maryann asks Sookie again what she is and Sookie snaps, "I'm a waitress. What the fuck are you?" She's a social-worker-slash-hostess-with-the-mostest! Duh!

At Hoyt's house, Mrs. Fortenberry is still singing and making disgusting casseroles. She notices Hoyt snoozing and tries to sneak out, but Hoyt had rigged up a trip line. Mrs. Fortenberry screams at Hoyt for not letting her go to the wedding and calls him Norman Bates. Hoyt wearily tries to talk her down but Mrs. Fortenberry snaps that a god is coming into their midst and does any part of his puny brain understand that?

Back at the Stackhouse Wedding and Orgy and General Fucked Up Events Emporium, Maryann is still trying to figure out Sookie's existence. Sookie asks what she wants with Sam and if it's him that she's planning to marry. Maryann scoffs that her husband is a god and Sam is just the ideal wedding gift. Sookies asks how Maryann knows that her betrothed is coming tonight. Because he's The God Who Comes Sookie! That's his name! Maryann explains that no time has ever been more perfect and Sam is the perfect vessel. Sookie tentatively asks if Sam's heart will be cut out. Of course it will because supernatural hearts are the food of the gods and the hubs will love it. It's true. My mother always told me that the way to a man's heart is, uh, through another man's heart. Add some Kosher salt and some smoked paprika and he'll love you forever! Sookie is still unclear about her role in all of this besides being the electrical sideshow, but Maryann explains that she will bring forth Sam. If Sam knows that Sookie is there, he'll come running like a dog. Maybe even as a dog.

At Queen Sophie's crib, she and Eric are playing Yahtzee with the Latvian boy and Sookie's cousin. They're grumbling about her success at the game, but she insists that she's just very lucky. Yahtzee, she explains, is the most egalitarian game in the world. I'm trying really hard to pull the metaphor out of there and I'm guessing that it has something to do with all of this Bon Temps nonsense having nothing to do with any gods, but just a fucked up confluence of circumstances. Sophie's role seems to be the existential and/or atheist advocate. She tosses some half-assed condolences in Eric's direction for Godric's evaporation and they briefly discuss Maryann's presence in Bon Temps. They also get all, "Ew, gross. Cooties," over Bill being in love with Sookie, but Sophie notes that Bill is in love with her because she's not entirely human. This doesn't seem to alarm Sookie's cousin, so I'm guessing that we'll be hearing some expository information from her next season. All of that aside, Sophie wants to know why Bill knows that she's having Eric push V. Eric stammers that Bill doesn't know that she is supplying it and I'm not sure if he means that Sophie is just the queenpin for the V cartel or if she's the physical source of the goods. Sophie lunges and pins Eric to the floor, which is funny because I totally do that in this recurring dream that I have. She warns him that she's holding him responsible and if he screws up she'll wear his fangs as earrrings. Eric promises to take care of Bill personally and the Latvian guy, bored because Sophie is always interrupting their Yahtzee games to threaten folks with horrific executions, tells Eric that it's his turn. They return to the game and Sophie scoffs at Eric's roll: "You suck at this."

Andy and Jason are armed and making their way to the house. They pause behind some trees and watch the minions dancing around the meat sculpture. Jason is furious that they're disrespecting his family home so much but Andy isn't so ready to just barge in. Jason finally pumps him up enough and they attempt to sneak through the crowd. But Terry spots them and they're grabbed and beaten by the minions, which then turns Andy and Jason into minions. Andy, already caught up in the moment, shouts, "He's coming!" to which Jason replies, "Fuck yeah!" before grabbing an elderly woman and making out with her.
a and j making their way to house armed

At Merlotte's, Sam has finally gotten Arlene's kids to bed and Bill notes that if Sam had let him glamour them, they would have gone to sleep much quicker. I am highly entertained by Bill and Don Draper's methods of parenting because they both utilize some kind of mind control. Sam and Bill are discussing Maryann's intentions and his role in them. Bill is all verbose and crap. You know how he gets. But he finally tells Sam, "You must come with me. I will stare intensely at you and then we'll do some other shit. And then maybe go to Denny's."

Back at the Stackhousehouse, Maryann and her bridesmaids are having what looks like the wackest bachelorette party in history. The egg has blood on it and the ladies are all passing it around, taking turns licking it. Considering the general proclivity for reckless sexual behavior on the part of the Bon Temps populace, I'd say that it's highly likely that that egg is now a petri dish for seven different kinds of herpes. "What is with the egg?" asks Sookie. "Did you lay it?" Maryann is slightly pissed at Sookie for being flippant, since it's such a nice egg and don't you hate when you ask someone to be your maid of honor and she starts criticizing your decor? She explains that it's actually an ostrich egg and Sookie has to lick it, too. This is true. I read it in Emily Post. Andy and Jason barge in and announce that the groom is on his way. Much squealing ensues and Sookie is dragged outside.

Bill is dragging Sam toward the meat sculpture and shouts that he offers him in exchange for Sookie. Sookie, of course, concludes that Bill is actually offering Sam and couldn't possibly have another plan in mind because she...is kind of dumb. Maryann coos at Sam and says that she will always be grateful to him. The guys grab him to tie him up while Sookie bitches at Bill, but he hisses that she needs to trust him. Bill has the patience of a saint and interestingly is not at all perturbed that Sookie obviously does NOT trust him, even after all of the shit that they've been through together and the numerous times that he's saved Sookie's life and her friends' lives.

Lafayette has climbed on top of the meat sculpture and placed the a bull skull on top. "Worship him, bitches!" he barks at the minions. If I ever start a religion, Lafayette will be the pope. Maryann starts doing whatever it is that she needs to do to invoke The God Who Comes. The guys bring out Sam who is now tied to some boards. Sookie whispers to him to use his gift but Bill tells her that she should use her gift. Eggs marches up to Sam and plunges a knife into his chest, then hands the knife to Maryann who confirms that Sam is O negative and most certainly the vessel. Sookie runs up to Sam. He telepathically tells her to destroy everything. Aided by her electric pushing powers, Sookie knocks over the meat sculpture, which causes everyone to panic. Maryann, who is hellbent on getting hitched because she read some statistics that said 2,000-year-old demonic women have a hard time finding mates, scrambles and says, "Allow me to sacrifice all of them for you!" She vibrates in such a way that makes all of the minions hold their heads and scream in pain. She then plunges her hands into the dirt and pulls them out, revealing that she has shifted into minotaur. She chases after Sookie who is screaming for Bill (BEEL! BEEL!). Maryann stops when a white bull approaches her. "My lord! My husband! I'm here, my love!" she gushes. I have to say, this is not quite the running-through-a-field-of-daisies encounter that most girls dream about. The bull greets her by goring her right through the stomach, which I guess is not exactly what Maryann had in mind because she asks, "Am I to be sacrificed? Because, um, I sort of booked a honeymoon cruise on the River Styx for us and I don't think I can get that deposit back. I mean, if this is how it has to be, that's fine. I just wish you would have given me a heads up or something." Suddenly, the bull shifts to reveal Sam. Maryann is puzzled. Sam pulls his hand out, black heart in tow. He crushes it and Maryann turns black and dies. The minions snap out of it and start looking sheepishly around. Sookie runs to Sam and sees Bill limping up to them. He's a little weak because Sam had to drink more of him than he expected. I should say so, Bill. It was a pretty serious wound. Jason and Tara run over and gawk at Maryann's corpse, which is indeed quite gross. Tara and Sookie hug and Sookie literally orders those kids off her lawn and tells the guys to bury Maryann's body. She tries to comfort Tara and tells her that it's all over now, but Tara says that she has a sick feeling that it's not.

Aside: if Sam needs to see a creature to shift, where did he happen upon a white bull?

Mrs. Fortenberry wakes up, much to Hoyt's relief. She notices the bite marks on her neck and is furious that Jessica bit her. "Why would you choose that girl over your mother?" she snarls at Hoyt, which is funny since she accused him of being Norman Bates before and I wonder if she realizes that that's a two-way street. Hoyt explains that Jessica was kind of provoked because she was saying all kinds of spiteful things that weren't true, like all of that stuff about Hoyt's dad. Mrs. Fortenberry squirms and admits that pretty much everything that she said was true. This is a telling moment as it implies that all of the crazy stuff that the Bon Temps folks engaged in wasn't simply a symptom of possession. It was actually the ugly truth about them and was always lurking in the dark corners. Maryann simply gave it permission to come out. Hoyt is furious with her. "All these years you keep me here because of some burglar that never existed," he growls. Mrs. Fortenberry tries to apologize but instead he coldly stares at her and says, "I wish Jessica had finished you off." Mrs. Fortenberry bursts into tears as Hoyt storms out, slamming the door behind him.

Arlene is trying to call her kids but can't get a hold of them. Jane Boathouse is devastated to find her severed finger among the spilled offerings from the meat sculpture. Sheriff Bud reinstates Andy, explaining, "You have your faults but at least you got pants on." Sam spots a deer in the distance and tears up, but shakes it off when Bill comes over and thanks him for trusting him with his life.

Inside, Eggs is frantically washing his bloody hands and tells Tara that Maryann needs to know what happened. Tara dodges his questions about Maryann's whereabouts by begging him to let them start fresh. Sookie comes in and asks if they're okay, but I think Eggs' cries of, "THERE'S BLOOD UNDER MY FINGERNAILS" sort of answers her question. Tara apologizes to Sookie for bringing all of this craziness to her house and explains that Maryann made her feel like part of a family. Sookie hugs Tara and tells her that they are family. Also, tomorrow they're going to clean so Tara better get all of the Murphy's soap in the tri-county area ready.

Sookie and Bill go to her room and she asks how long it is until sunrise. Bill glances at his watch and says, "Forty-one minutes." "Then hold me for 40," she says. They curl up together quite sweetly.

The next day people calmly gather at Merlotte's and do their best to pretend that nothing happened. Arlene is sitting with her kids, tearfully apologizing for not being there for them. Terry comes over and gives the kids toy guns. As Arlene gets up to get back to work, the kids ask if she saw Rene. "Uh..no, he must still be on vacation," she stutters. After she walks away the kids nonchalantly surmise that he must be dead.

Some of the customers are whispering about recent events, theorizing that aliens must be to blame. They also heard that Maryann was an agent of the pharmaceutical industry and the liberal media. Sam approaches the table and explains that there was actually a tainted vodka supply. The customers accept this and as Sam walks away says, "Thank god for those jeans. I would wear him like a scrunchie."

At another table, Jane is attempting to explain her severed finger and says that she thinks a gator bit it off. Because you know how daintily accurate gators are and when they're on a diet they like to just nibble at fingers. Andy overhears her and gets angry, but Jane nervously laughs him off, counting on his alcoholic history to rid his protests of any credibility. Andy grumbles to Jason that if no one thinks they're heroes, then it doesn't count, but Jason counters that if a tree falls in the woods, it's still a tree. Thanks for clearing that up, Jason.

Sam approaches Sookie and asks her if she can keep an eye on things for a few days because he needs a break. They exchange a couple "You're awesome/No, YOU'RE awsomes" when they're interrupted by a lady who has a delivery for Sookie. She takes the bag outside and opens the gift: a beautiful purple dress and a note from Bill inviting her out on a fancy date. Eggs sort of sneaks up behind her and frantically says that he needs to talk to her. He says that there are some serious gaps in his memory and he needs to know what he did. Sookie reluctantly agrees and holds his hands. Inside Eggs' memories, she sees him and Maryann carrying out the murders of Miss Jeannette and Daphne and stabbing Sam. Sookie jerks away and somehow Eggs realizes that his hands did all of that ugliness. Sookie tells him not to blame himself but Eggs is already running away, totally distraught.

Bill, all handsome for his date, has some downright pleasant conversation with Jessica, who is on her way to Hoyt's to apologize (so she says). Bill tells her that he's taking Sookie to a French restaurant, which humans seem to love. Jessica teases him to be back by 5 and he semi-teases her to be back by 4.

Sam goes to the house of the people who adopted him. He notes that his adoptive mother threw away all of the pictures of him. She admits that they hid them because it would be hard to explain to friends who think that they just never had children. "We thought we'd never see you again," she sighs. "Never say never when there's the internet," retorts Sam and brings up the fact that they abandoned him after they saw him turn into a dog. He tells her that he wants to find his birth parents but Mrs. Merlotte says that they swore never to say anything and that Sam doesn't want to see them anyway because they're bad people. "I guess you'd know a thing or two about that," says Sam. Burn! Mrs. Merlotte leads him into a bedroom where Mr. Merlotte is hooked up to machines, apparently dying. He hands Sam a note that has the names and last known locations of his birth parents. Mr. Merlotte has also scrawled, "I'm sorry."

Hoyt goes to Bill's house with a bouquet for Jessica but she's not there. She's making out with a driver at a truck stop. As he reaches for a condom, Jessica tells him that she's a virgin. The trucker says that that's okay, that he likes it. "Well, I don't like it one bit," says Jessica as she sinks her teeth into his neck. Dejected, Hoyt leaves the bouquet on the porch and leaves.

Sookie_and_bill_dancing_true_blood Sookie and Bill arrive at the restaurant and Sookie is stunned to find that Bill rented the whole place for the evening. "The sight of you is not something I want to share with others tonight," he says. Awwww! The music starts and the happy couple dance around the room.

Andy leaves Merlotte's and heads to his car and it seems like every time Andy does this, something fucked up happens. And of course, Eggs appears holding the knife. He babbles that he's the killer and Andy needs to lock him up. In his panic, he pushes Andy to the ground and holds the knife over him, when suddenly a bullet goes through his head. The shooter was Jason, who says, "Holy shit. I ain't never killed anyone!" He stares at the gun and wails that it's not even his. As his panic ramps up, Andy calmly takes the gun from Jason and wipes it off and tells him, "You didn't see anything. You weren't here," and orders him to run. The crowd from Merlotte's comes out and Andy explains that Eggs came after him and he had to shoot him. Tara kneels over Eggs' body and breaks down. Dammit. I knew Eggs was doomed.

Trueblood-eggs2

That's Mehcad Brooks, the actor who plays Eggs, at a charity event a few weeks ago. Thanks, HBO. Thanks a lot.

Sookie is gushing over the amazing meal that she's had and Bill hands her another present: plane tickets to Vermont. There's one more piece to that present: a giant engagement ring. "Miss Stackhouse, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?" asks Bill, assuming that last night didn't scare Sookie off weddings for good. Sookie's face falls and she says that she doesn't understand why she can't say yes. She starts to cry and explains that she doesn't even know if she's human and what about when she grows old. Bill isn't concerned about that, he just wants Sookie as she is. Sookie wails that she's not sure what she is and excuses herself to the bathroom. She pulls out the ring and puts it on. The shiny bauble makes her reconsider. But at the table, a thoroughly bummed Bill has his moping interrupted when someone wearing gloves wraps a silver chain around his throat and drags him away. Sookie bursts out of the bathroom saying, "Yes! Yes!" but is greeted by an empty room and signs of a struggle. Considering Eric's promise to take care of Bill personally and the presence of gloves around the silver chain, I'm guessing that Eric kidnapped Bill.

Well, what do you think? Definitely some interesting food for thought and we'll have plenty of time to ponder all of this thanks to HBO's horrendously long time in between seasons of their shows.

In any case, thanks so much for reading and commenting this season guys! I had so much fun recapping!







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Comments

Rhonda

1st – You did a great job KDiddy! I’m sad it’s over. You were my Monday highlight. I’m thinking you should start recapping Vampire Diaries. I think the show will be totally high school and silly, which you know, equals AWESOME!

I’m so blah today after last night’s show. Maybe it’s the show’s fault or maybe it’s the Bloody Mary hangover. (Theme’s. Gotta has them) I’m sad there wasn’t more of my favorite Viking in the show. Especially with the Mary Ann stuff. It was a battle! Vikings don’t miss battles! They live for that crap!

It also seemed weirdly anti-climatic and awkward in general. I’m thinking maybe it was Lorena that took Bill. Eric’s too obvious. But who knows. Kicks dirt. It’s going to be a long hiatus. Darn you all to heck, HBO. I’ll be looking for you when Big Love returns KDiddy!

liline

Eric didn't kidnap Bill, at least if they respect that part of book 3. I agree about the weirdness factor of the finale. great season overall though!

Kelly

"I would wear him like a scrunchie." = Best line of the night. And true, so true.

amalah

My life will probably not be complete unless I can find a way to incorporate that line into conversation on AT LEAST a daily basis.

Keli

Good job kdiddy.

Let's all take a moment of silence for Eggs. We knew he was a goner but we still mourn.

Remember at the end of last season with the cliffhanger when we all thought it was Lafayette dead in the car? Along those lines I think it will be someone surprising who kidnapped Bill.

I've read the books so I won't guess. But, I doubt it was Eric.

Just Shireen

Sophie lunges and pins Eric to the floor, which is funny because I totally do that in this recurring dream that I have.

You and me both, sister. You and me both.

ljpock

My favorite line of the night was from Mr. Stackhouse "If a tree falls in the woods it's still a tree"

Really hoping we get MUCH more Eric next season.

indycitygirl

Best line of the night??"WORSHIP HIM BITCHES",now that I can use on a daily basis.Last nights finale,just meh...If the series remains a tad bit true to the books then next season,then alot of hotness shall be happening YESSSS!!!!

Rebecca (Bearca)

HBO, why you do me like that? Making us wait a WHOLE YEAR. For shame.

I will be looking forward to watching next season AND hoping you keep up the awesome recaps, kdiddy!

Alison

There were definitely some good one liners (thank you Alan Ball for NOT writing last night's episode). I was actually glad that the Maryann storyline got wrapped up so quickly so that things could get back on track. It made for good closure. BUT. I don't think it was Eric that kidnapped Bill. I just feel like that might be too obvious.

Suzy Q

Amen to that.




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