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Best of the Worst - A Personal Top 5 Horror Films for Your Halloween (Dis)Pleasure

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When I was a boy, my parents would sometimes send me, usually late at night, down the hill behind our small farmhouse to close the chicken coop.  Fucking foxes would eat the chickens, other, less carnivorous animals would eat the eggs.  So, there's my 9-10 year old self, flashlight in hand and a silent scream in my throat.  Legs tense, ready to bolt at the fist sign of the Boogieman or Frankenstein Monster or the crazy, toothless guy that sold firewood around the area.  It was commonly know that he ate children.  That didn't stop us from pelting his old beat up truck with snowballs in the winter though.  Everyone knows that child-eaters fear a well packed snowball.  It's their Kryptonite. 

At the bottom of the hill the old barn stood like some fucked up totem.  A warning.  Turn back now, Dorothy.  The wind would sometimes come up and send a low, deep-from-Hell moan through the open barn doors sounding like 'ol Scratch's very own jug band.  Then, a frog would leap from the bank of the small pond and splash into the ink-black water and I was sure that the Creature was hungry and I would beat-feet like my ass was on fire and my head was catchin' back to the safety of the house.

Fuck those chickens, anyway.  Eggs are cheap.

The feeling of Fear is a gas.  It's my second favorite drug.  We love it like we love gossip, Cake, fine bourbon and pornography.   We also love to laugh which is why I want to turn you on, dear and loyal MamaPop reader, to the beauty that is the (my) Top Five Best/Worst Horror films of all time. I'm a giver.  You can thank me by not giving me any of those god-awful candies when I come round on Halloween.  You know the ones I mean.  Those nasty fuckers wrapped in the obligatory orange and black wrappers.  Please to be keeping your welfare candy.  I'm a Gobstoppers kind of guy.  Just in case you were wondering.

5.  In the Mouth of Madness

Do you read Sutter Cane?  No?  Me neither.  But the folks in this ridiculous movie did.  Know what happened?  They went shit-house crazy, that's what.  Fits of paranoia, disorientation, and my personal favorite-an axe wielding maniac.  Sutter Cane brings the noise for Realz in a creepy town called Hobbs End where he lets loose with the Evils in an even creepier Black church.  I was pretty sideways when I watched this the first time and spent a lot of time saying things like, "Duuuuuuude.  What the fuck!?"  I watched it again the following Halloween and found myself laughing like a Bastard.  Either way, a win-win for all your terrible horror-fest desires.

4.  Any of the Leprechaun Films.

Seriously.  Killer leprechauns.  Like it gets any better than that.Leprechaun4

3.  Carver.

I really can't say enough about this pile of Pony Loaf.  Gore.  Terrible acting.  Gore.  Compound fractures.  Backwoods psycho-billies.  Gore.  Boobs.  Gore.  Scat-horror.  Gore.  Excuse me for a moment.  I'm starting to get all misty.

2.  Pumpkinhead.

Yup.  Revenge served up all bubbly hot in the form of some sinister, returned from the dead type creature.  This was a good $7 worth for me and my whole family.

1.  C.H.U.D.

Carnivorous Humanoid Underground Dwellers.  Or, something to that effect.  I must be honest, there are better Bad horror movies out there.  But, this one holds a special place in my black heart for one reason. You see, one morning, after an overnight at my mother's place, my brother and I were left, foolishly by our wives, to tend to all four (2 his and two mine) children.  Well, we were looking for PBS Sprout and ended up watching CHUD.  What?  Like PBS Sprout is any better.  Have you seen Caliou?  That shit is horrifying.  At any rate, the children were in awe.  The tears were a sure sign of their enjoyment.  So, after the movie, my brother and I had to do a little damage control.  For if'n the wives found their Pride and Joys in tears - in the throes of some CHUD induced fit - well, it would be Bad.  We tried to tell them that CHUDs weren't real, that they were just "kind of like puppets".  It didn't work.  We managed, at the very least, to whittle the existence of CHUDs down to a matter of Geography.  "CHUDs can't live where we live.  The sewers here just aren't dirty enough."  They bought it.  The wives?  Not so much.

There you have it, Ladies and Germs.  My top 5 Best of the Worst.  Now, go pop some corn, pick your poison and don't bogart all the Gobstoppers.







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Comments

iambellaluna

But Gobstoppers are mah fave.

Cobblestone

Reanimators.

Leandra

Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things.

BTW, I scared my nephew (who has since spent time in prison) by "making" him watch The Boogens as a child. Hmmm...wonder if those things are related. Nah.

TwoBusy

I have to admit that I actually kind of liked In The Mouth of Madness. Granted, it didn't make much sense... but that was some mind-bending fucked-upness there.

Jessi

Love CHUD.

Also, have you seen Mausoleum? Craptastic movie about a woman possessed by a demon who...
are you ready for it, are you pysched FiFi, are you pumped?
makes her breasts grow teeth and eat people.

Seriously, tiny teeth pop out and it makes this "ararararar" noise while they eat people alive. Sometimes, during sex. You need it today.

Kim

I remember as a kid having a friend simply describe CHUD to me and having nightmares for weeks. See also: "The Stuff". Be nice to sensitive kids! They could be scarred for life!

Bec

The Pool. Czech/German 'horror' with such cheesy lines learned phonetically that it's physically impossible to not love it. Also has the best horror movie death premise in history

Monica

My husband would be in the throes of his own personal horror movie if he did that to our kids. Seriously, he would be on night duty for the kids for all of eternity.

My 'scary' movie flicks of choice or more along the lines of...oh...The Monster Squad.

Palinode

There is nothing like CHUD. It cannot be repeated, only imitated. And who would dare?

Leslie

My husband turns October into "31 Horror Movies in 31 Days", a series on YouTube. He actually watches and creates mini-video reviews of 31 of the crazy-worst horror movies you'll ever see. All in one month. Yep, it's FUN at our house in October! (not)

Watch at http://www.youtube.com/watercooler

And then keep me in your prayers...




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