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Zombieland Makes Money. And You Can Too...

539w I went out to see Zombieland over the weekend and like finding a severed toe in a box of Corn Flakes, it was a big surprise. I'm not saying it was a surprise like I went there expecting a zombie movie and what I saw was an artistic interpretation and allegory for the woes of our society personified as the unholy walking dead. What I mean was I was expecting "okay" and what I got was "really okay". I mean...it's a zombie movie...not the works of Fellini we're talking about here.

The movie was awesome. And I'd love to tell you more but you'll have to click on the link because this is what's called a "teaser" in the business. And I'm not sure what business that is, except I'm pretty positive it isn't the installation of heating, venting or air conditioning. Funny business? Like Porky's? (*shrug*)

Okay so Zombieland's title sequence alone was enough to make the Queen crap her pants, and that's a good thing because she needs to loosen up. It was all slow motiony and Metallica accompanied and obviously the director was a big fan of Watchmen because super hi-def slow motion is this year's lens flare. But that's a good thing because it could have followed another trend like the one Transformers 2 started and that is "sucking really hard". I lay out a synopsis but instead I think I'll do it by interpretive dance. Hold on... I'll be right back.

(*time passes*)

Ow. Okay. That was a bad idea. I stepped on my roommate's roach clip during one of my jetés, and it broke the skin so I pretty much need to be tested for malaria and syphilis and crabs now probably. Interpretative dance, you've finally let me down. 

Okay back to whatever I was talking about, Jesse Eisenberg is in it playing (wait for it...) a disaffected and awkward young person out crossing the zombie-infested wastelands in search of his parents. He and Michael Cera should get together and make a movie about awkward pauses and self-image issues. It would be like King Kong vs. Godzilla only with way less body hair. But they do something clever to explain how he is still alive, and I could tell you what that mechanism is, but let's leave that to the less talented movie reviewers who feel staying on subject is super-important and LA-DI-Da!, Miami Herald! Who wants your lousy job any way? Not me. I'm happier NOT getting paid to write on the internet. And also I hate the beach because when you look THIS good in a Speedo©, it's a fight to the death to get a spot under an umbrella.

Also in the movie is Woody Harrelson, who plays a hick and he's balding, and that is a one-two comedic punch. That's like slipping on a banana peel and getting hit in the balls at the same time. And Woody is way funnier in this than he was in Driving Miss Daisy or Madagascar or whatever his last funny movie was. I don't feel like looking it up. What? Stop staring.

The point is. This movie was way funnier and better written than most other zombie movies I've ever seen and that's not saying much because by-and-large zombie movie scripts have all the depth of Noah Wyle in The Phantom of the Opera. I really have to stop making up shit for these metaphors. They really make no sense. 

The movie was like 20% gore and 80% funny and 50% Awesome Cameos and 12% Hoping Little Miss Sunshine gets eaten and 45% the people next to me were talking too loud. So you should totally go see it for real and this is the part where I look you in the eyes real intense-like and say "I'm serious." without cracking a smile or making an armpit fart or anything. But you'll still think I'm kidding because I've got fake blood coming out of the corners of my mouth. But it's REAL blood because I have lung cancer. Way to trivialize an illness, d-bag! You should have just taken me seriously. Now Christmas dinner is going to be awkward. I hope you're happy.

Early predictions point to the film making $25 million this weekend. So that's a lot of money. Yep. Lots.

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Sweet Lord I love your metaphors.


Yow! I can't wait to see this movie.


This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday - http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/10/five-star-fridays-edition-74.html


I want that last full paragraph framed and hung on my living room wall. Okay, BATHROOM wall. Still.

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