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2012: I Didn't Even Go. Shut Up.

2012-picture Oh Man. I was all set. When it comes to writing about bad movies, the release of a Roland Emmerich film is like Christmas and Thanksgiving and the Fourth of July (Or Independence Day...chuckle) all rolled up in one. This weekend 2012 opened nationwide and I was so happy because movies that look this bad only come once a year. And unlike your stupid parents who totally don't even know what a "He-man Castle Greyskull Action Playset" even IS, so they buy you a Lite-Brite© instead, 2012 looked like it was totally going to come through for me.

But then I checked the running time. 2 Hours and 38 minutes? Really? I had to rub my eyes and look away for a second before I checked that again. Two and a half hours of John Cusack shouting "Go! Go! Go!" while the world kicks it's own ass? Hmmm. Just how important IS it that I have something good to write about. I mean... Baby, this is a major commitment. No,No...I'm not saying I won't go...it's just...well...let's look at the trailer again. Oof! Shit... Everyone's yelling the whole time. Maybe they just pieced together all the yelling parts for the trailer? God, it looks bad. How can I NOT go? Jeez that's a long time to have to sit through this though. This looks like Transformers 2 on amphetamines. 

So then I went to remind myself of what John Cusack has been doing lately. War, Inc.? Grace Has Gone? The goddamn Ice Harvest. He's light-years away from his Lloyd Dobbler days. You've driven your ox cart into a deep rice paddy of suck, my friend. The voice of Igor? I don't know...

John_cusack_history

Hey! Get a grip, Kurt! This is Roland Emmerich we're talking about here. The man who hates the planet so much he has to kill it harder with each successive movie he makes. I mean sure, there's no Will Smith going "Aw HELL no!" in it, and no Woolly Mammoths building the Great Pyramids, and no killer weather that tries to freeze off your whole face, but he'll definitely have something for you. He'll make it worth your while. He'll do something so mind-bogglingly dumb that you'll nearly crap your pants with glee! You can count on him!

But then my ass pipes up. "Two and a half hours.  Dude. Do you not remember Transformers 2?" You couldn't sit still for like a week after because you kept having racist, ghetto, talking-car dialog flashbacks and you couldn't sleep because you couldn't stop thinking about how Megan Fox considers herself an actress." And then I'm all "I know, Ass. I put you through a lot with that one. How many times can I say I'm sorry. That one was the cinematic equivalent of having someone drop a bowling ball on your testicles for two hours. But this one will be SOOO bad. We have to do it...for the children."

And then my brain jumps in and is all "Seriously. I can't do this. You rented 10,000 BC thinking the same thing, and look how THAT turned out. I still haven't recovered your full sense of right and wrong!" and then I get defensive and I'm like "Look! Shut up everyone! The good folks at MamaPop NEED me to see this so I can cut it to pieces on Monday! It's practically a public service. We're totally going." 

But in the end we took a vote and I lost. So instead we stayed home and watched a Looney Tunes marathon on Cartoon Network. Sorry. If it makes you feel better, here's a clip from 2012 with 'Yakety Sax" as the background music. Yakety Sax fixes everything.

 

Moral: 2012 made $65 million dollars it's opening weekend. Look for a sequel! "2013: It's one bigger!"







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Comments

Adam P. Knave

Oh lord, that was great. I feel more informaed than if I had gone to see the film, myself.

Why can't they score more things with Yakety Sax by the way? I mean, what's the hold up? Are there films it would HURT, somehow? I doubt this.

Sweetney

Best non-review of a movie EVER. I stand by that.

Michael Sippey

I'm hoping that Emmerich's films just evolve to the point where there's *just* destruction and mayhem, and no attempt at plot. I think his attempt to actually include humans in his movies is completely ruining the Emmerich aesthetic -- the films would probably be much better if they didn't include the Will Smith / John Cusack character. If he had done that the movie would have probably come in at 90 minutes, and been just an extended special effects reel. It'd be like the opposite of BBC's Earth.

Wendi

Oh, Man - you missed out! We almost didn't go either - My husband and I LOVE LOVE disaster movies, and we were on our way after procuring the elusive grandparent-babysitting-night, and we heard on the radio that it was 2 1/2 hours. We had been so psyched for the craptastic-ness, but didn't want to waste a very rare night out. He left it up to me, and I have to admit that Lloyd Dobbler won out. (Really, it was Martin Blank.)

It did not disappoint! The destruction was so amazing, Hubby kept giggling and pointing. And my ass barely even complained.

Amber

I always thought I could forgive John Cusack for anything on the merits of High Fidelity alone, but I was wrong. John Cusack and I are totally done forever because of 2012. Seeing as that's only 2 years away I guess forever is not such bad commitment.

P.S. Awesome non-review.

indycitygirl

Ummm,Hello,I would watch John in ANYTHING craptastic because my love for him runs deep...

Lori

I have to agree with Wendi. The Boy and I went to see this last night. I went into it expecting to be damaging my sinuses from all the derisive snorting but we were thoroughly entertained! The disasters didn't ever stop (and were FULLY ridiculous, make no mistake) but there was enough variety in the disasters to keep it moving. Earthquake! Volcano! Landslide! Volcano!! Tsunami! etc.

Realistic vision of the future it was not, but entertaining it was. It didn't feel like 2 1/2 hours until after we were standing at the end.

schmutzie

I'm just dropping in to let you know that this weblog entry is being featured on Five Star Friday - http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/11/five-star-fridays-edition-80.html

wench

Love the background music - PERFECTION!




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