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Friday Combo Platter: Post-Thanksgiving, Balls in Hot Water Edition

Thanksgiving-dinner First, apologies for the lack of a combo platter last week. A bunch of us here at MamaPop have those irritating, 9 to 5 gigs and sometimes they get in the way of the important things in life, like alerting you to the fact that yet another seemingly innocent conversation on the MamaPop email list devolved into testicle jokes. Must've been a day that ends in "y."

Subject: booze isn't working

Sweetney: somebody say something funny. or rollerskate around their neighborhood topless screaming for George Harrison to come out and fucking fight them, and film it. that would work, too.

or email me some xanax?

Adam: I just had to mail a co-writer on a project "I'm not sure if this has enough monkeys. Also could we make the giant a being made of babies or would that be too simple?"

... yeah.

Miss Banshee: Well, in all seriousness, there are NEVER enough monkeys. At least not in MY brain.

Adam: That was pretty much the response I got.

And I agree with it. The artist won't love us, but hey... if you can't draw a ton of monkeys on a page why are you working with me?

Palinode: I have a tea called 100 Monkeys. It tastes like it too.

Adam: Does it come in a barrel? If not, why not?

Palinode: 100 Monkeys comes in a small paper bag and not a barrel for the following reasons:

1) lack of imagination, really.
2) lack of little plastic barrels.
3) fungibility of concept. Whether you have 10 kilos of the stuff or a single shred of dried tea leaf, you still have 100 Monkeys.  Therefore the barrel would have to occupy all sizes at once, and since is there is no practical limit to the amount of tea that could be said to be 100 Monkeys, therefore the biggest barrel would be infinite in size.  So, AT BEST, you would have an infinite number of barrels arranged orthogonally in receding dimensions, and you would have access to only one of them (at worst you're crushed by an infinite number of barrels), and that one barrel would likely be either too large or too small for your preferred order of 100 Monkeys tea.  I mean, what are the chances you won't get a barrel the size a quark, or one that stretches from here to the Oort Cloud?  I mean, duh.

Adam: I would like one quark sized barrel of 100 monkeys of tea. I would
like it now. I am willing to pay for this service.

Also: Infinite Barrel of Monkeys is my new band name and you can not have it.

Also also: If the tea is 100 monkeys regardless of how much tea there is are the monkeys not in the same THEORETICAL barrel as the barrel I would like the tea to come on, regardless of you problems with the
feasibility of such a thing?

Palinode: A quark-sized barrel of 100 Monkeys Tea costs one picodollar, plus care and feeding of monkeys.

I also have a tea called Two Doves.  It presents the same issues, but there are roosting factors to consider.

Adam: Do they cry? Does Prince get a cut of the profits when they do? Why do you have so many teas named X(animal)?

I am just full of questions tonight. Full of something at any rate.

Palinode: Doves do not cry, but when they do, it sounds exactly like the Prince song.  Even a single dove tear, when it splashes to the ground, creates a holographic resonance pattern that will actually play When Doves Cry. But only if you let Prince handle the machinery.

I have teas named after animals because I like overpriced loose tea, the kind that specialty shops store in jars. I had Snow Leopard for a while as well, but now I'm down to my monkeys and doves. I also have an African herbal tea called honeybush, which is really good, but my wife laughs whenever I mention it.

Adam: I have a friend who is big on loose teas. He often talks about how he has to wash his balls because they are full of crud.

Then I back away slowly.

THEN he clarifies.

You tea-people. I tell ya.

Motherbumper: Is it wrong that my head immediately went to tea-bagging after reading this email or is it just an indication of how badly warped my thought processes really are?

Adam: No I think that was the next logical step. Lord help us it was the next logical step.

BHJ: My mind went straight to a smoky lapsang souchong.

Palinode: I've been trying out China Kekecham, a yellow leaf with dark auburn streaks.  The damn stuff is actually dried and curled-up leaves, so a small spoonful unfurls into this wet leafy mass.  It's like cleaning out the eavestroughing.

Sweetney: Yes, he has to wash those balls BEFORE he puts them into hot water.



Our comment of the week comes from D Marlink on Talking Heads: Reality TV, the Truth About Dick Clark, and More:

"I know there was something here I was supposed to be reading, right on this very page. Something involving Shatner and this other dude...and there were pictures...and Oprah...or something....But when I scroll up, all I see are pretty, pretty unicorns. And stars! And lightning! And snails in the sky! What IS this horrific, fantastical place to which I have come?"

Our work here is done.

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Thank you for the much needed post-Thanksgiving laugh. Like so many of you I have had a seriously crappy year which will culminate in having minor surgery a few days before Christmas because my professors all felt it would be disastrous to have my distended gall bladder taken out in the middle of the semester!

I can has my Xanax, monkeys, and tea balls now please?

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