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I'll Have a Large Popcorn, a Coke, Some Reese's Pieces, and Some Post-Apocalyptic Paranoia

2012_movie_poster1 I'm going to tell you a secret and then immediately after this post is published you'll probably never hear from me again because I'll be whisked away to a secret location and killed or be forced to undergo extensive plastic surgery and a total identity change. Kurt and I are the same person, much in the same way Janet and LaToya and Michael Jackson were the same person, just with different hats. Kurt and I go to see the same movies because we are one and the same. Then we have differing opinions on said movies just to mess with you.

I'm pretty sure this is true. Or maybe the trailers that I saw before The Men Who Stare at Goats got to me.

I'm not going to re-review The Men Who Stare at Goats for you, but I will say that my Kurt self was totally wrong in his/my assessment. The movie was silly and funny and the perfect combination of Burn After Reading and Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Also: George Clooney's bum.

Today, I'm going to tell you that the trailers that ran before The Men Who Stare at Goats were...intense. There were at least three promos for movies that center around life after the apocalypse. There may have been more, but I couldn't tell from the movie theater floor, where I curled into a ball and sobbed and then couldn't get back up because of the Coca-Cola epoxy.

First, there's the most hyped: 2012.

Aside from being kind of irritated that Hollywood would market the general uneasiness about this particular Mayan prophecy, this movie looks a tad shitty. And as much as I love John Cusack, I'm just not sure how I feel about him as the leading man/alpha male savior come the apocalypse. If he faces a tidal wave and holds up a boombox, blasting Peter Gabriel, then I might have some hope. I just want to point out that in the plane that he's semi-co-piloting in the trailer, they get all, "WhooooooOOOOAOAAAAOAOAO" about flying into some crumbling buildings, apparently unaware that they could just GO HIGHER AND AVOID THAT IN THEIR MAGIC FLYING MACHINE. So, color me skeptical.

Next, is the remake of George Romero's 1973 classic The Crazies.

The original is one of my favorite horror movies and if you get a chance and are okay with being kind of disturbed, I highly recommend checking it out. However, this remake looks kind of poopy. But it's still preying that, "Some totally random thing could happen and we'd be properly fucked and animalistic and the government would just go ballistic on us." I will give it props for its use of the Andrews/Jules version of "Mad World," which is one of the most beautifully haunting songs of all time. OF ALL TIME.

Finally, there's The Road.

I just finished reading the book the other day. It is a brilliant book. Truly. Cormac McCarthy deserves the highest praise for writing something so terrible and pure and simple. I say without hyperbole that it will stay with me the rest of my life and I strongly urge you to consider reading it.

However.

I can not possibly read that book ever again and I doubt that I could bear a film adaptation. My experience with the book just happened to coincide with a rather sad period in my life, so I know that that colored my reading a bit. But it is quite honestly the most depressing thing I've ever experienced. Outside of, you know, actual life and humanity and all of the ways that we fuck each other over. I think parents especially will have a hard time powering through it. After I finished the last page, I hugged my kid for a very, very long time.

Another thing making me uneasy is that both The Crazies and The Road were either filmed in or take place in Pennsylvania and, uh, that's where I live. So, just to be safe, I'm going to start building my bunker where me and my Kurt-self can argue about movies in perpetuity. Or until the cans of pork n beans run out.







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Comments

Danielle

I had the exact same reaction as you to The Road. Most of the way through the book I kept thinking I needed to stop reading it, but I couldn't put it down. I cried through the end, and then with impeccable timing, my 2 year old came over to see why I was crying and gave me a much needed hug. It is one of the most beautiful and powerful books Ive read.

However, like you, I can never see myself reading it again and there is not a chance I will see the movie. Part of me doesn't know how they could possibly capture the feeling of the book or the journey they take. But I also don't want to go through that emotional turmoil again!

Snarky Amber

Yeah, I definitely don't think I can handle watching The Road in a movie theater, but I'll rent it when it comes out on DVD.

Also, I can't listen to the Jules/Andrews version of "Mad World" without being moved to tears. The first time I saw it, I bawled at the end of Donnie Darko. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why it had moved me so much until I heard the song again apart from the movie and realized THAT was what set me off. That. Fucking. Song. That and Sia's "Breathe Me" will always—ALWAYS—make me weep, but the latter is because I will forever associate it with the last ten minutes of Six Feet Under, while the former is entirely because of the song itself.

BaltimoreGal

I will see The Road. If only because I think Viggo can play The Man. I read the book over a year ago and it is still with me.

But I understand- I went through a really low period that coincided with me reading the collected works of Joyce Carol Oates. I would NOT recommend this.

funda62

Eh, 2012 looks like something I would rent on a cold winter Sunday because I'm not in the mood to cry or laugh.

The Crazies on the other hand I'll be reading the movie spoiler because I am a big sissy and can't handle scary. Though it does look good.

No way am I watching even the trailer for The Road. I read that this year and cried for hours. Haunting story.

Kurt

Sorry kdiddy-Me, but we are going to have to agree to disagree on this one. Moses said "George Clooney's ass doth not a good movie makest." or something. It's right there is the Bible.

I'll be all over The Road. I'm like a drunk driver. (*slide whistle*)




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