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Kick-Ass Rumored To Be Taking Names

Kickass-first-official-full-02 Kick-Ass is the title of a gritty, independent, comic book series by Mark Millar and John Romita Jr. and I think the name pretty much speaks for itself. You can't go around calling something "Kick Ass" if it is about ponies and bunny rabbits or something. That would be like calling a Holocaust documentary "Fairy World" or a Keanu Reeves movie "good". (Zing!) Any way, they're making a movie out of it and there's posters out and it's Friday so I'm too burned out to write about anything I've actually seen. Huzzah.

Kick-Ass is about a kid who works in a comic book store and suddenly decides to become a super hero even though he has no superpowers and really can't fight so very good and makes his costume himself and gets beat up a lot. It's like the ironic tale of the fish who longs to breath the freedom of dry land only to discover that really the freedom was always IN HIS HEART! and then he gets eaten by a fat tourist from Fresno. Kick-Ass is totally like that only it's kinda funny too. So maybe in the same story as above the fish can accidentally swallow a razor blade before he get s caught and then when the guy from Fresno goes to eat him, HE gets cut up! Wait..no...people don't eat fish stomachs...shit.I refuse to acknowledge the existence of that attempted metaphor...let's move on.

I had to look up who is in the movie, so yeah...you're welcome. It turns out it's Nicholas Cage who is not in a bear suit and beating up women for a change, and also McLovin' is in it as another wanna be super-hero. Boy..I'm sure his star is going to keep on rising. He's taking the Jon Heder approach to fleeting dork fame apparently. What's that? You want to play a superhero in a movie adapted from a comic book in an attempt to avoid getting pigeon-holed as a geek? Great Plan. Smooth Move, Ex-lax. And then I would give him a swirly just so he knows who rules the school. Not really. McLovin' could've kicked my ass because he's all wiry muscle and had-edges...like a Steven Seagal movie.

The main character in Kick-Ass, is played by Aaron Johnson (III), and I don't know for sure but according to my calculations I think the (III) in his name means he thinks he's super-fancy or something. Well watch out Aaron, you're no better than anyone else just because of some stupid Roman Numerals. Hey! You know who else used Roman Numerals? The Romans. Look where it got them. A crazy Emperor who had sex with a donkey. You want to use Roman Numerals? It's your funeral. He was also John Lennon in the John Lennon biopic Nowhere Boy which was supposed to be better than average, and with that kind of lackluster word-of-mouth he's sure to drive hundreds of ticket sales. Literally hundreds.


Well, whatever. The comic book is irreverent and funny and if the movie follows that lead it's sure to be a the kind of movie that I enjoy, and for the right money the producers can buy a good review from me even if it's 90 minutes of just wasps stinging people in the eyes while a troupe of badly dressed dwarves hum show tunes in the background. Actually, I'd probably give that movie a good review for free.

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I am prepared to love this movie like fire. Because fire loves hard.

Ed Adams

I shall see this film and like it.

Then I shall flaming ants in my eyes while having a vasectomy, because momma don't want no mo youngins.

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