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Men Stare At Goats. I Stare At Watch.

The-men-who-stare-at-goats-movie-reviewjpg-a67d6166cdf3fe40_large I went to see The Men Who Stare At Goats this weekend because I thought it looked awesome and there are goats right there in the title. I'm such a sucker for a good title. If you called a recording of an insurance seminar 'Boobies! Machete! Pirates!" I would be all over that thing even if the previews featured eye surgery. I don't know if there are ever any eye surgeries at insurance seminars, but Ew! Gross! I'd still watch. I wish The Men Who Stare At Goats had been that interesting actually.

The trouble is, I didn't really relate to or sympathize with any of the characters. Not even the goats. This is due to all kinds of weird pacing issues the movie had, and totally has nothing to do with being a sociopath because I'm still waiting for a second opinion and that first psychologist was totally trying to get back at me for not letting him fondle me, even though he claims "would you like to lie down?" is a normal question and not indicative of any sexual funny business. Of course HE would say that. 

But back to the pacing issues. It was a lot like running the 100 meter dash and then halfway through you have to stop and pick up a cinder block and then they cancel the meet. I don't understand how a 90 minute movie could feel like my ass was starting to atrophy by the third reel. And yet at the same time feel like they rushed through the story. Did the producers have to be somewhere and were too embarrassed to just ask me to stay home because it was a private appointment, so instead they tried to bore me really bad in the middle hoping I would realize that they weren't that much fun to begin with?I think that might be what happened. I'm not sure. I have a hard time reading people. Again...NOT a sociopath (for sure.)

One cool part was that guy from Moulin Rouge who did all those wide-mouthed singing parts and always looked way too happy even when Nicole Kidman was dying, but I don't really blame him for that...you know...Obi Wan Kenobi... is a main character and he is talking to Danny Ocean at one point and Danny tells him he was a "Jedi Warrior" and I was all "Ho HO! It's funny because in The Star Wars, Ewan McGregor was the Jedi Warrior!" I must have marveled at that brilliant bit of casting / dialog for at least two seconds. What a thrill.


There were some funny bits that I can't tell you about because maybe you didn't know it, but all film critics live by a code* and have to swear an oath that they will preserve the sanctity of human life and also never spoil a movie's good parts and that way we can be all smug at parties and ask "Are you going to see it?" before we ruin it for you and feel super-superior because WE'VE already seen everything ever and if you don't watch your goddamn step we'll start talking about Fellini or themes in which man's inhumanity to man is examined in the context of the Fast and Furious movies or some such bullshit. Also we'll always call movies "films" and we'll steal extra drinks for the way home. Oh yeah, that whole "sanctity of human life" is for doctors, not movie critics. We just sorta think our shit doesn't stink. Same thing.

So in conclusion, Kinda funny in all the parts that were in the trailer, super-long middle part that takes place in the desert so luckily it's visually uninteresting too, Obi Wan and Danny Ocean and The Dude and Verbal Kint all not doing very much, and goats. Go see it if you want to bend the space-time continuum and travel to an alternate universe where nothing is as it seems and 90 minutes feels like that pause right after you're asked "So now that you're unemployed, what do you with your time?" like a million times in a row. Or if you need to chuckle twice

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What is the * for?


So, but let's say the role of Ewan McGregor was played instead by a topless Salma Hayek. Would you have liked it more? Because for me, Ewan McGregor = maybe your Topless Salma Hayek. Except I just realized I'm not totally sure of your sexual preference. Soooooo.

Uh. Yeah. The movie was bad then?


Damn. I thought this one looked good.
I also thought Couple's Retreat looked good, too, though.
I'm pretty bad a reading people AND movie trailers.

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